Please, check my discursive essay for CAE and give it a mark if possible!

Question

TASKYour class has attended a panel discussion on the action governments can take to promote health and fitness among young people. You have made the notes below.Action to promote health and fitness among young people• improve teaching in schools.• improves attitudes to competitiveness.• improve the image of sports.Some opinions expressed during the discussion'There need to be specialist sports teachers for children and students of all ages.''Some young people are put off by the pressure to compete.''A lot of young people don't think it's cool to take part in sports.'Write an essay for your tutor, discussing two of the actions in your notes. You should explain which action you think is more important, giving reasons to support your opinion.You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed during the discussion but you should use your own words as far as possible.Write your essay in 220-260 words in an appropriate style.ANSWERBeing healthy and fit is an acute issue every person deals with throughout their life. The priority of every country is to raise awareness among its population about how important is to stay active beginning from the early age. Let us consider the two possible ways of increasing the interest in sports among young people.The first option is to enhance the educational system and adjust it to promote an active lifestyle. Owing to the fact that adolescent age is crucial in forging lifelong habits, we should provide teenagers with a number of sports club and societies, improve physical education lessons and make morning exercises a daily necessity before lessons. It does not require a lot of expenses from the government, but it does demand a lot of additional organizational work.Another action to be taken is to introduce interesting social sports events, including competitions and marathons, and offer a financial reward to those individuals who actively participate in them. Not only will it improve the image of sports among youth, but also will promote the idea that being into sports can be rewarding both physically and in the terms of money. In spite of the fact that this option could put under pressure the budget of the country, the financial reward for being active remains strongly motivating. To summarize, I would consider the improving of the educational system as the first step towards promoting sports. Being aware of positive sides of sport, young people will eagerly accept the idea of participating in a range of sport events which will make the whole generation lead the active lifestyle and will be beneficial for the whole nation.

Alexandra Bilash · Accepted Answer

And one more, Please!

TASK
Your class has attended a lecture on the action governments can take to make sure cultural heritage is preserved for future generations. You have made the notes below.

Priorities for governments aiming to preserve cultural heritage
• increase funding for museums.
• protect old buildings.
• teach the importance of cultural heritage in schools.
Some opinions expressed in the discussion
'Cultural heritage isn't just about buildings - it's about a way of life.'
'It's the responsibility of the older generation to pass on a cultural heritage to the next generation.'
'Museums are the best places to keep shared memories of a community.'
Write an essay for your tutor, discussing two of the priorities in your notes. You should explain which priority you think is more important, giving reasons to support your opinion.

You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion but you should use your own words as far as possible.

Write your essay in 220-260 words in an appropriate style.

ANSWER
We often hear about the importance of knowing our history and being loyal to our culture. However, less often do we hear concrete decisions which should be made to promote these ideas. In this essay I will discuss two possible actions that governments focus on in order to preserve cultural heritage and pass it on to our descendants.
The first possible action is to integrate special history classes into school curriculum. They will be devoted to local history and include observing the main cultural sites in the area. Not only will it reveal the unknown facts about common places to students, but also develop a better understanding how important this historical heritage is to every single person. Naturally, organizing school trips and employing more history teachers does require some expenses from the government, but the benefits of this action overweigh its disadvantages.
Another way to save important objects of cultural heritage is to start a campaign aimed at the protection of old buildings. The governments should increase funding for restoration and promote the idea of public donations for this purpose. It will obviously put substantial pressure on the local budget, but, on the other hand, it will show the positive attitude from authorities with immediate positive outcome.
To summarize, either approach would be a step in the right direction. Nevertheless, protection and restoration of old buildings is more urgent, in my point of view, because it leads to the obvious and quick result. Education is also crucial for preserving cultural heritage, but to see its outcomes may take a long time as people are usually slow to change their attitudes and points of view.

Anonymous · Answer

Alexandra BilashANSWERBeing healthy and fit is an acute issue every person deals with throughout their life. The priority of every country is to raise awareness among its population about how important is to stay active beginning from the early age. Let us consider the two possible ways of increasing the interest in sports among young people.The first option is to enhance the educational system and adjust it to promote an active lifestyle. Owing to the fact that adolescent age is crucial in forging lifelong habits, we should provide teenagers with a number of sports club and societies, improve physical education lessons and make morning exercises a daily necessity before lessons. It does not require a lot of expenses from the government, but it does demand a lot of additional organizational work.Another action to be taken is to introduce interesting social sports events, including competitions and marathons, and offer a financial reward to those individuals who actively participate in them. Not only will it improve the image of sports among youth, but also will promote the idea that being into sports can be rewarding both physically and in the terms of money. In spite of the fact that this option could put under pressure the budget of the country, the financial reward for being active remains strongly motivating. To summarize, I would consider the improving of the educational system as the first step towards promoting sports. Being aware of positive sides of sport, young people will eagerly accept the idea of participating in a range of sport events which will make the whole generation lead the active lifestyle and will be beneficial for the whole nation.

It would be better if you separate this into paragraphs.

Alexandra Bilash · Answer

Hello! Thank you for the answer! Actually, it is divided into paragraphs, probably it depends on the interface or some technical things. The second paragraph starts with words "The first option..." The third - "Another action to be taken..." and the fourth - "To summarize..." Do you have any other comments as to how improve this essay? Thank you!

Anonymous · Answer

Alexandra BilashHello! Thank you for the answer! Actually, it is divided into paragraphs, probably it depends on the interface or some technical things. The second paragraph starts with words "The first option..." The third - "Another action to be taken..." and the fourth - "To summarize..." Do you have any other comments as to how improve this essay? Thank you!

You should separate those paragraphs.

Anonymous · Answer

Alexandra BilashThe priority of every country

State or government would be better instead.

Alexandra Bilashhow important is

how important it is

Alexandra Bilash~~beginning~~ from the early age.

from an early age. Unless you have already mentioned a particular age, don't use "the".

Alexandra BilashLet us consider the two possible ways of increasing ~~the~~ interest

Let us consider the two possible ways of increasing interest

Alexandra Bilashin sports among young people.

in sports (or sport https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sport ) among young people.

Alexandra Bilash · Answer

Thanks a lot for your comments!

Anonymous · Answer

Alexandra BilashThe first option is to enhance the educational system

Consider what you wrote at the beginning "Your class has attended a panel discussion on the action governments can take to promote health and fitness among young people." This means governments in general; not one in particular and therefore, not one country, state or territory in particular. It does not make sense to mention "the educational system" as if discussing one system in one country, state or territory.

It would be better to rewrite this as: The first option is to enhance education systems and adjust them to promote an active lifestyle.

Alexandra BilashOwing to the fact that adolescent ~~age~~ is crucial in forging lifelong habits,

Owing to the fact that adolescence http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/adolescence is a crucial stage in forging lifelong habits,

Alexandra Bilashwe should provide teenagers with a number of sports club and societies,

we? (don't you mean governments?) should provide teenagers with a number of sports clubs and societies,

Anonymous · Answer

Alexandra BilashNot only will it improve the image of sports among youth,

Not only will it improve the image of sports among youths,

Alexandra Bilashbut also will

but it will also

Alexandra Bilashand in ~~the~~ terms of money.

and in terms of money.

Alexandra BilashIn spite of the fact that this option could put under pressure the budget of ~~the~~ country,

In spite of the fact that this option could put further pressure on the budgets of countries,

Alexandra Bilashthe financial reward for being active remains strongly motivating.

a (not the, because you have not mentioned a particular, financial reward) financial reward for being active is a strong motivator.

Alexandra BilashTo summarize, I would consider ~~the~~ improving ~~of the~~ educational system

To summarize, I would consider improving education systems

Alexandra Bilashin a range of sport events

in a range of sporting events

Alexandra Bilashwhich will make the whole generation

which will make an entire generation

Alexandra Bilashlead the active lifestyle

lead an active lifestyle

Alexandra Bilashand will be beneficial for the whole nation.

and will be beneficial for entire nations.

Please, check my discursive essay for CAE and give it a mark if possible!

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