Please, check motivation letter

Question

I'll be very grateful if you'll look through this motivation letter and give me some advice.

Dear Sir / Madam,

I would like to express a great interest in applying for the position of an intern in ****.

I hold a 4 year bachelor’s degree in Political Sciences and International Relations from *** University and I expect to graduate by December 2013 a two year Master’s program in Public Administration at the **** University.

My academic and professional career shows that my personal and professional goals are related to the field of governance and security as well as my early experience deals with environmental issues too.

I have to mention that when I was 14 years old I became an active member of a political youth organization – ***. Here I gained my first working experience, where I was fraction leader’s deputy. The fraction named “Ecology” was working about environmental issues. The working period in the **** was quite productive as I gained a Diploma for my successful work. Political work was a process of increasing awareness about the society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organization, I got the chance to meet other people and politicians from other organizations all over the world. So, I was finally convinced to drop my plans about attending the Economical faculty after finishing school and decided to begin study International Relations and later Political Sciences, instead. My Bachelor’s thesis was a research “Cyberterrorism as a threat to the national security” as a security issues became one of my field of interest during studying.

During my studies in **** University I got great knowledge in the field of Political Sciences and International Relations too. I am very grateful for the knowledge I got but it’s my great wish to deepen my experience with working in the organization which matches perfectly with my interests and academic expectations. I feel confident that the the position of an intern is the right choice for me to reach my goals and I would appreciate the opportunity to work in ****.

The ambitions which I have just exposed to you wouldn’t be realized without a solid theoretical background and a strong real world experience specialized in the governmental and administrative fields. I am deeply convinced that the **** is the best way of concretizing this future. Working experience as an intern will be an excellent springboard for my future career and will provide me the knowledge, confidence, and contacts to realize my dreams.

I believe that I, having the working experience in one of the most successful German organizations in **** and in the **** Ministry of **** with my Bachelor’s and future Master’s Degrees, which I’ll obtain by the end of the next year and combined with research skills acquired during my Bachelors research, with knowledge of Georgian, English, Russian and German languages, will be able to make my own contributions in implementation and execution of the running and coming services provided by **** with the licensed professionals.

At the end I want to mention that through my work and education experiences, I have gathered good communication skills and am able to present my ideas in a fluent and confident manner. Friends and acquaintances all testify to the fact that I relate to people easily and that I am able to adapt quickly to new surroundings and situations. I have learnt to work towards, and achieve my aims with great commitment and perseverance. On top of this, I’m looking forward to making new connections with very interesting people, who will be my colleagues during working in ****.

This position is a great interest to me and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you for your attention. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely,

TEI88 · Accepted Answer

Please....

Anonymous · Answer

Currently a deal of young people listen to international music but from my point of view traditional music is more important that international. Each country has traditional musics. it is the part of particular culture. Each culture has various form of music. By listening or looking at the music a common people can guess what types of culture.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here are some suggestions:

I hold a 4-year bachelor’s degree in Political Sciences and International Relations from *** University and I expect to graduate in December 2013 with a two-year Master’s program in Public Administration at the **** University. (This sentence is a bit run-on. Consider writing two sentences)

My academic and professional career shows that my ~~personal and professional~~ (repetitive) goals are related to the field of governance and security and ~~as well as~~ my early experience deals with environmental issues ~~too~~.

~~I have to mention that~~ When I was 14 years old, I became an active member of a political youth organization – ***. Here I gained my first working experience, where I was fraction (a fraction is a mathematical term) leader’s deputy. The fraction named “Ecology” was working ~~about~~ environmental issues. The working period in the **** was quite productive as I gained a Diploma for my successful work. My political work was (caused?) a process of increasing awareness about ~~the~~ society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organization, I got the chance to meet other people and politicians from other organizations all over the world. So, I was finally convinced to drop my plans to attend ~~about attending~~ the Economical faculty after finishing school and decided to begin to study International Relations and later Political Sciences, instead. My Bachelor’s thesis was a research project titled “Cyberterrorism as a threat to the national security” as a security issues became one of my field of interest during studying.

During my studies in **** University I ~~got~~ gained great knowledge in the field of Political Sciences and International Relations too. I am very grateful for the knowledge I got, but it’s (avoid contractions in formal writing) my great wish to deepen my experience ~~with~~ by working in the an organization which matches perfectly with my interests and academic expectations. I feel confident that the the position of an intern is the right choice for me to reach my goals and I would appreciate the opportunity to work in ****. (run-on sentence)

The ambitions which I have just divulged ~~exposed~~ to you wouldn’t avoid contractions in formal writing) be realized without a solid theoretical background and a strong real world experience specialized in ~~the~~ governmental and administrative fields. I am deeply convinced that the **** is the best way of concretizing this future. Working experience as an intern will be an excellent springboard for my future career and will provide me the knowledge, confidence, and contacts to realize my dreams.

I believe that I, having the working experience in one of the most successful German organizations in **** and in the **** Ministry of **** with my Bachelor’s and future Master’s Degrees, which I’ll avoid contractions in formal writing) obtain by the end of the next year and combined with research skills acquired during my Bachelors research, with knowledge of Georgian, English, Russian and German languages, will be able to make my own contributions in implementation and execution of the running and coming services provided by **** with the licensed professionals. (run-on sentence. It is difficult to understand)

~~At the end I want to mention that~~ Through my work and education experiences, I have developed ~~gathered~~ good communication skills and am able to present my ideas in a fluent and confident manner. Friends and acquaintances all testify to the fact that I relate to people easily and that I am able to adapt quickly to new surroundings and situations. I have learnt to work towards, and achieve my aims with great commitment and perseverance. On top of this, I’m avoid contractions in formal writing) looking forward to making new connections with very interesting people, who will be my colleagues during working in ****.

This position is a great interest to me and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you for your attention. I look forward to your positive response.

TEI88 · Answer

Thank you very much.
Is it normal now?
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I hold a four year bachelor’s degree in Political Sciences and International Relations from *** University. I expect to graduate in December 2013 with a two-year Master’s program in Public Administration at the **** University.

My academic and professional career shows that my goals are related to the field of governance and security and my early experience deals with environmental issues.

When I was 14 years old, I became an active member of a political youth organization – ***. Here I gained my first working experience, where I was faction leader’s deputy. The faction named “Ecology” was working environmental issues. The working period in the **** was quite productive as I gained a Diploma for my successful work. My political work was a process of increasing awareness about society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organization, I got the chance to meet other people and politicians from other organizations all over the world. So, I was finally convinced to drop my plans to attend the Economical faculty after finishing school and decided to begin to study International Relations and later Political Sciences, instead. My Bachelor’s thesis was a research project titled “Cyberterrorism as a threat to the national security” as security issues became one of my field of interest during studying.

During my studies in **** University I gained great knowledge in the field of Political Sciences and International Relations too. I am very grateful for the knowledge I got, but it is my great wish to deepen my experience by working in an organization which matches perfectly with my interests and academic expectations. I feel confident that the position of an intern is the right choice for me to reach my goals. I would appreciate the opportunity to work in ****.

The ambitions which I have just divulged to you would not be realized without a solid theoretical background and a strong real world experience specialized in governmental and administrative fields. I am deeply convinced that the **** is the best way of concretizing this future. Working experience as an intern will be an excellent springboard for my future career and will provide me the knowledge, confidence, and contacts to realize my dreams.

I believe that I, having the working experience in one of the most successful German organizations in **** and in the **** Ministry of **** with my Bachelor’s and future Master’s Degrees, which I will obtain by the end of the next year and combined with research skills acquired during my Bachelors research, with knowledge of English, Russian and German languages, will be able to make my own contributions in implementation and execution of the running and coming services provided by **** with the licensed professionals.

Through my work and education experiences, I have developed good communication skills and am able to present my ideas in a fluent and confident manner. Friends and acquaintances all testify to the fact that I relate to people easily and that I am able to adapt quickly to new surroundings and situations. I have learnt to work towards, and achieve my aims with great commitment and perseverance. On top of this, I am looking forward to making new connections with very interesting people, who will be my colleagues during working in ****.

This position is a great interest to me and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you for your attention. I look forward to your positive response.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Now that the grammar is improved, you can work on the logical flow.
Each paragraph should build up to the punch line, which convinces the reader of your qualifications and commitment. It is a little disorganized at present.

The first line should grab the reader's attention, not merely restate what they have read on the application form. That is not excitement, but boredom. For example, what if you start like this:

When I was 14 years old, I became an active member of a political youth organization, and that experience deeply motivated me to pursue a career in governance and security, aimed at addressing impending global and local environmental crises. All of my decisions on education, courses, and temporary jobs have been taken with this in mind. A position as intern in your institution would be ideal, the next logical step in progressing towards my career goal. That would give me the practical experience that academic courses cannot provide.
Next go into some more detail on your background - youth organization experience, university studies, etc.
Next describe your capabilities and qualifications, all the preparations up to the present point.
Then seal it with a dynamic conclusion.

TEI88 · Answer

Here it is.

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When I was 14 years old, I became an active member of a political youth organization, and that experience deeply motivated me to pursue a career in governance and security, aimed at addressing impending global and local environmental crises. All of my decisions on education, courses, and temporary jobs have been taken with this in mind. A position as an intern in your institution would be ideal, the next logical step in progressing towards my career goal. That would give me the practical experience that academic courses cannot provide.

I hold a four year bachelor’s degree in Political Sciences and International Relations from *** University. I expect to graduate in December 2013 with a two-year Master’s program in Public Administration at the **** University.

My academic and professional career shows that my goals are related to the field of governance and security and my early experience deals with environmental issues.

I gained my first working experience in the *****, where I was faction leader’s deputy. The faction named “Ecology” was working environmental issues. The working period here was quite productive as I gained a Diploma for my successful work. My political work was a process of increasing awareness about society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organization, I got the chance to meet other people and politicians from other organizations all over the world. So, I was finally convinced to drop my plans to attend the Economical faculty after finishing school and decided to begin to study International Relations and later Political Sciences, instead. My Bachelor’s thesis was a research project titled “Cyberterrorism as a threat to the national security” as security issues became one of my fields of interest during studying.

I believe that I, having the working experience in one of the most successful German organizations in **** and in the **** Ministry of **** with my Bachelor’s and future Master’s Degrees, which I will obtain by the end of the next year and combined with research skills acquired during my Bachelors research, with knowledge of English, Russian and German languages, will be able to make my own contributions in implementation and execution of the running and coming services provided by **** with the licensed professionals.

The ambitions which I have just divulged to you would not be realized without a solid theoretical background and a strong real world experience specialized in governmental and administrative fields. I am deeply convinced that the **** is the best way of concretizing this future. Working experience as an intern will be an excellent springboard for my future career and will provide me the knowledge, confidence, and contacts to realize my dreams.

Through my work and education experiences, I have developed good communication skills and am able to present my ideas in a fluent and confident manner. Friends and acquaintances all testify to the fact that I relate to people easily and that I am able to adapt quickly to new surroundings and situations. I have learnt to work towards, and achieve my aims with great commitment and perseverance. On top of this, I am looking forward to making new connections with very interesting people, who will be my colleagues during working in ****.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi;

I did not intend for you to copy my words exactly! It was only a suggestion for a more dynamic beginning to your letter.
Anyway if you keep it, then the next paragraph does not follow logically, and the second only repeats what you said in the first paragraph. Present your ideas in a logical and persuasive sequence

Does not follow logically, also it repeats what you have in your application. Give information in your motivation letter which adds to or emphasizes the information in the application form: I hold a four year bachelor’s degree in Political Sciences and International Relations from *** University. I expect to graduate in December 2013 with a two-year Master’s program in Public Administration at the **** University.

Repetition of the first paragraph - if you like these words better, then use some of the words here to revise the first paragraph: My academic and professional career shows that my goals are related to the field of governance and security and my early experience deals with environmental issues.

I gained my first working experience in the *****, where I was faction leader’s deputy. The faction named “Ecology” was working environmental issues. The working period here was quite productive as I gained a Diploma (give the name of the diploma) for my successful work. My political work was a process of increasing awareness about society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organization, I had ~~got~~ the chance to meet other people and politicians from other organizations all over the world. So, I was finally convinced to drop my plans to attend the Economical faculty after finishing school and decided to begin to study International Relations and later Political Sciences, instead. My Bachelor’s thesis was a research project titled “Cyberterrorism as a threat to the national security” as security issues became one of my fields of interest during studying. Faction is not the correct term here. Use "section". Avoid using "get / got." It is too informal.

I believe that I, having the working experience in one of the most successful German organizations in **** and in the **** Ministry of **** with my Bachelor’s and future Master’s Degrees, which I will obtain by the end of the next year and combined with research skills acquired during my Bachelors research, with knowledge of English, Russian and German languages, will be able to make my own contributions in implementation and execution of the running and coming services provided by **** with the licensed professionals. This is one very ugly run-on mesh-mash sentence. It displays disorganized and muddled thinking. Write shorter sentences with logical transitions. That would display your ability to express yourself in a deliberate, thoughtful manner.

There are still problems with grammar, but please sort out the basic logical organization first...
You claim this:
I have developed good communication skills and am able to present my ideas in a fluent and confident manner.

But your sentences and writing do not exhibit what you claim. It raises the question of believability in your entire letterr..

TEI88 · Answer

Thank you for your help. I'll try to write a new cover letter. Don't worry, I am not going to copy your words. Best regards.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Good luck with your application!

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