Please Check And Score My Ielts Writing Task 2?

Topic:

Many people aim to achieve a balance between work and other parts of lives, but few people achieve it. What's the problem in trying it and how to overcome it?

My task:

The trend for people to sacrifice their free time for work has been growing. Some individual and social factors are resorted to this trend. This problem can be tackled by changing attitudes towards money and workers.

There are two main reasons why workers may have to sacrifice their free time for work. First, corporations tend to be run with the sole aim of maximizing profit in this intensely competitive markets, and therefore may lead to disregard for their employees’ health condition. It is likely to be seen that workers are mandated to work longer time when they should be taking time off. Second, many people blame job insecurity and money for failing to separate work from private lives. Greater uncertainty in the economy and regarding jobs in recent years, together with the burden of paying mortgages and bills are all factors driving this failure. As a result, they are reluctant to pinpoint the unreasonable behaviors of enterprises and provide tacit consent for it.

However, there are a range of measures that can be taken to transform the current phenomenon. The first action the businesses can take is to emphasis employees themselves instead of profit alone. The feeling of being valued can render workers become more incentive and increase their productivity, which leads to higher revenues of enterprises. In this respect, this could be a win-win rather than solely employees’ exploitation. Another possible solution is to keep clear perspective in life. By that I mean an ability to keep a clear sense of what is important and what is not. I suppose that most people work on the purpose of earning money, so the trade-off between work and private lives actually lies in if we could resist the temptation of money and priority other things.

In conclusion, I think that the transformation in attitudes towards money and employees can help to tackle the problem.