Please CHECK and give some FEEDBACK for my WRITING TASK 1. Thanks!

Question

The bar chart illustrated the number of women and men calculated in percentage, who were successful in passing a driving test in one of the Asia countries from 1980 to 2010.
It is noticeable that the proportion of women who got through the driving test in the whole period of time reported always higher than the proportion of men. The percentage in both genders, who passed their driving test, increased over three years, except for the last one year.
From 1980 to 2000, the level of Asian men who came through the driving test stood at below 40%. By contrast, the figure for women in all of the years remained above 40%. In the year 2000, close to 70% of women gained a pass in the driving test, compared to about nearly 50% of men who did it.
In the last year, the number of women who met the requirements of the driving test slightly dropped to about 65%, whilst the figure for men remained unchanged.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart illustrated (wrong word, wrong form. Read my advice) the ~~number~~ percentage of women and men ~~calculated in percentage~~, (wrong expression.) who were successful in passing a driving test in one of the Asia countries from 1980 to 2010. (misleading. This time range is for line graphs with continuous data. There is only discrete time points on bar charts.)

~~It is noticeable that~~ (Delete. Read my advice) the proportion of women who got through the driving test in the whole period of time reported always higher (ungrammatical sentence structure. The main verb is missing.) than the proportion of men. The percentage in both genders, (unnatural and awkward) who passed their driving test, increased over three years, (Which three years? 1992-1995 or 2003-2006? You need to look carefully at this chart. ) except for the last one year.

From 1980 to 2000, (incorrect. Again, this is for a line graph.) the ~~level~~ percentage of Asian men who came through the driving test (not accurate.) stood at below 40%. By contrast, the figure (wrong word, Read my advice) for women in all of the years (You have never told the reader what particular years are on this chart.) remained above 40%. In ~~the year~~ 2000, close to 70% of the women ~~gained a pass in passed the driving test,~~ compared to about nearly 50% of men ~~who did it~~.
In the last year, the number (Wrong word. A number would be 76,234 or 298. There are no numbers on the chart, and you cannot compare them anyway, because you have no idea what the basis is. It is not shown.) of women who met the requirements of the driving test (repetitious. You already describe what is plotted. Do not keep repeating it, especially using a variety of different expressions. That destroys the coherence and cohesion of the essay.) ~~slightly~~ dropped to about 65%, whilst the figure (wrong word, wrong form. Read my advice) for men remained (Remained need a complement.)

Time series bar charts cannot be described with the same time expressions as a line graph.
Do not use synonyms carelessly in Task 1. Avoid repetition. Once you tell the reader that the people on the chart represents those who passed their driving test, you do not need to repeat "who passed the driving test" every time. Just refer to the percentage of men or women.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay #1:

The grouped bar chart compares the percentages of men and women who passed the test for a drivers license in a particular Asian nation. Data is given for four years: 1980, 1990, 2000 and 2010.

Overall, men were relatively far less successful than women; less than half succeeded in any of the four years. The women fared much better, especially after 1980 when the majority passed.. Values for both groups went up each successive year between 1980 and 2000.

In detail, fewer than half the people who attempted the test passed in 1980, although the percentage of women was almost twice that of the men, 48% versus 28%. There was a stepwise increase for both men and women from 1980 to 1990 and 1990 to 2000, with the largest rise coming in the latter of the two intervals. Between 1980 and 2000, women had increased their percentages from 48 to 68%, which represented the highest measure on the entire chart. Men came fairly close to half, about 49%, in both 2000 and 2010.

Sample #2

The bar chart plots the percentages of people who passed their drivers license test in a one Asian nation for each decade starting in 1980 and ending in 2010. Men and women are shown separately.

Overall, men were generally less successful than women; with more than half failing in every year shown. In contrast, after 1980, the majority of women succeeded. Values for both groups went up each successive decade between 1980 and 2000; however, in the last decade, it decreased for women and stayed the same for men.

In detail, more than half in both groups failed in 1980, although the percentage of the successful women was almost twice that of the men, 48% versus 28%. There was a stepwise increase in both groups from 1980 to 1990 and 1990 to 2000, with the largest rise occurring between 1990 and 2000. From 1980 to 2000, women had increased their percentages to more than two-thirds, 68%, which represented the highest measure on the entire chart. In the last two decades, men came fairly close to half, about 49%, but still underperformed the women by nearly 20 and 15 percentage points in 2000 and 2010, respectively.

Please CHECK and give some FEEDBACK for my WRITING TASK 1. Thanks!

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