I wrote about a war which an ancient chinese general, Zhao Yun had fought. Please check if any grammar mistakes, 500% thanks !
Zhao Yun(??) was a famous Shu general during the three kingdoms dynasty. In the book "Romance of Three Kingdoms", Zhao Yun is described as an incredible man with mastery spear skill, loyalty to his country, his people, and Liu Bei(??), which is ZhaoYun's Lord. Zhao Yun also known as, Zhao ZiLong(???), was a man acquired both brave and intelligence. His apparel was very graceful. He wore white armor, rode a white horse, and equipped a spear and an imperial sword that able to cut everything into half. He also had a nickname called "Victory General" He never lost a war in his life. Some legends also claim that he was never wounded in any war. He died in his 70s, and became a Chinese legend. One of the most famous warfare Zhao Yun had fought was the ????(Unable to translate), this is the war that turned Zhao Yun into a famous hero. During the year A.D.208. Liu Bei, Zhao Yun's lord, was chasing by a huge army of Cao Cao(??) from place to place. Liu Bei insisted to escape with four hundred thousand innocent civilians. This resulted Liu Bei army moves very slow. Zhao Yun was ordered to protect Liu Bei's wives and his only child, A Duo(??). An unexpected attack of Cao Cao army turmoil Liu Bei army, Liu Bei fled away with small troops, and left his wives and child behind. Zhao Yun was nervous about Liu Bei's wives and child. He didn't care anything anymore. With his white horse, Zhao Yun traveled into many small villages, and finally found someone who knows where Liu Bei's son, A Dou was. While talking to this officer, a group of troops came by and saw Zhao Yun. Without a word, Zhao Yun threw his spear into one of them, took the horse and gave it to the officer, and notified him to leave. Grabbed back his spear, within few moves he killed the group of troops and continued searching for A Dou. At the same moment, Liu Bei's followers told him that Zhao Yun has betrayed Liu Bei since someone saw him rushed into the huge army of Cao Cao. Liu Bei trusted Zhao Yun, but his brother Zhang Fei(??) says he would kill Zhao Yun next time he sees him. Facing enemies every minute, Zhao Yun's white armor had already turned into bloody red. Finally He saw a group of civilian, he shouted out Liu Bei's wives and A Dou names. Someone answered it, Zhao Yun got closer to the sounds, and there he found one of Liu Bei's wives, she was hurt. While asking where A Dou was, Zhao Yun heard civilians screaming, it was another huge group of troops passing by with a captive that caused civilians to frighten. Zhao Yun noticed the captive was the officer he saved before. Grabbed his spear, and mounted his horse, he rushed into the enemies, after Zhao Yun killed the group captain, the armies were feared and absconded. Zhao Yun rescued the officer. He took two horses from the enemies, and gave it to the officer, and Liu Bei's wife. Zhao Yun escorted them to the bridge, and saw Zhang Fei, he was standing alone with his lance. Zhang Fei spoke angrily to Zhao Yun about the defection. After Zhao Yun explained what happened, then he continues searching for A Dou. While searching, Zhao Yun saw a man who has a sword on his back, holding a spear and leading around ten soldiers running toward him. Without hesitate, Zhao Yun stabbed him to death in one quick move. He took his sword, and realized it was an imperial sword. The sword was originally belonged to Cao Cao. He gave it to this captain who was robbing, stealing, and unfortunately who had seen Zhao Yun. Zhao Yun killed other men with the sword, and finally found himself alone without anyone else. While searching, he asked bystander about A Dou. One answered that he saw a woman carrying a baby and sat near the well. Zhao Yun quickly mounted on his horse, and searching, then he saw a woman who was crying, with a baby near the well. Zhao Yun was apologized to Liu Bei's wife for his lateness. Without thinking of himself, he pled Liu Bei's wife to ride his horse, and he will fight on ground. Liu Bei's wife understands that Zhao Yun can't protect her while without a horse, she chose to suicides by threw herself into the dry well, leaving A Dou behind. After Zhao Yun saw what happened, he smartly crashed the whole well to avoid enemies from stealing the dead body. Wrapped A Dou to his front chest, wiped out blood on his face, he pledged to protect A Dou even give away his life. Zhao Yun was unstoppable facing every enemy, but he suddenly falls into a trap. Facing dangerous spears stabbing from everywhere, his white horse jumped away from the trap immediately, the enemies were awed. Zhao Yun looked backward and found another group of troops chasing him. Zhao Yun fought with his mastery spear skill while not waking up A Dou. Cao Cao, who was on the summit, saw everything that happened. He quickly ordered someone to go down and ask Zhao Yun's name. A man came near Zhao Yun and shouted "General, Please leave your name!" Zhao Yun shouted with fearless "I'm Zhao ZiLong from ChangShan!('????????!' ChangShan-The place where Zhao Yun was born). The man returned to Cao Cao with Zhao Yun's name, Cao Cao wanted to capture Zhao Yun alive, so he ordered not to shoot any arrow on Zhao Yun. Zhao Yun, who was carrying A Dou, had killed fifty generals, and hundreds of troops. His armor was no longer white, it was full of blood, either his horse. After this war, the mention of his name made his enemies fear. Zhao Yun(??), Zhao ZiLong(???), born unknown year, died A.D. 229, He had became a legendary man.
Top answer
Lokon: It is quite a long essay. I will make some suggestions on the first paragraph or so. ) was a famous Shu general during the three kingdoms dynasty.
— AlpheccaStars
Lokon: It is quite a long essay.
I will make some suggestions on the first paragraph or so.
) was a famous Shu general during the three kingdoms dynasty.
), who which is ZhaoYun's Lord.
), was a man endowed with acquired both brave ry and intelligence.
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It is quite a long essay. I will make some suggestions on the first paragraph or so.
Zhao Yun(??) was a famous Shu general during the three kingdoms dynasty. In the book "Romance of Three Kingdoms", Zhao Yun is described as an incredible man with a mastery of the spear skill, loyalty to his country, his people, and Liu Bei(??), whowh
Thanks, I've learned a lot from your correction. By the way took the horse and gave it(handed his horse's reins ) I actually meant that he killed the first enemy, and he took the enemy's horse and handed to the officer.
Here is a little bit more. You tend to join sentences with commas. That is not correct punctuation. You can join two main clauses with a semicolon, but don't overdo it.
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Facing enemies every minute, Zhao Yun's white armor (is the armor facing enemies?) had already turned into ****** red. Finally he saw a group
(is the armor facing enemies?) I meant the armor turned red because it cover with enemies' blood I hope you can check the my last two paragraphs,Thank you.
lokonI hope you can check the my last two paragraphs,
Lokon - why don't you try to make corrections in your last two paragraphs. You will learn more by finding your mistakes and correcting them. You can post your revised version.
Thanks for the advice. I tried my best searching for mistakes. Here is the revised version.
After Zhao Yun saw what happened, he smartly crashed the well to avoid enemies from stealing the dead body. He wrapped A Dou to his front chest with cloth, wiped out blood on his face, he pledged to protect A Dou even give away his life. Zhao Yun was unstoppable facing every enemy,
After Zhao Yun saw what happened, he smartly crashed (destroyed? you can crash a car, but not a well) the well to avoid prevent his enemies from stealing the dead body. He wrapped (strapped / tied?) A Dou to his front chest with a cloth, wiped theout blood fromon his face, andhe pledg
Facing dangerous spears stabbing from everywhere, his white horse(his horse was facing the spears?) jumped away from the dangerous trap immediately
This revised correct ?
Zhao Yun was in dangerous, the enemies' were attacking from above; but before the spears penetrate Zhao yun, his white horse jumped away from the dangerous trap immediately.