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0 Two months ago, I was invited by my uncle Sergio to go to a car race. My uncle took me and some friends to this race in Brasilia where I was on vacation. I was very nervous, I had never driven a cart before, so my friend Francesca, who didn´t want to drive went in the car with me. The race started, I was in the third place next to the second. When I looked to Francesca to say something, a man appeared in the middle of the road, but I saw him too late, I was trying to break while he was looking to the sky and we crashed. As fast as I could, I stopped and asked him if he was OK, but he didn´t say anything. While Francesca was crying, I was thinking I had killed a man when my friend Jason arrived. I told him what happened. When he was looking at the man, he jumped and Jason jumped too, everybody cried, but after that, the man said he was fine, he was just kidding, and he went away. 0-

Abbie1948 · Accepted Answer

0 Hi Guest - first, I need to ask you, are you driving a car or a cart (?go-cart) as the two are very different. 0-

Josesrf · Answer

0 Hello Mr. Abbie! Thank you very much for your comments. You know I am a student in Brazil and it is not always that I have the opportunity to hear from an English native speaker teacher. 02br
00I am very happy because I don´t have the internet at home and I can access the Internet from my school or from my friend´s house. My teacher told me about this forum and I told my friends to look at my composition in this site. I am very proud for that. 02br
00Well, I was driving a cart not a car. I made this bad mistake. Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it. Could you please spot other mistakes that I may have made. I know my punctuation was not so good. Did you follow my ideas or they were truncated. Did you understand my ideas? Are my controling ideas related to my topic sentence? Would you say anything in a different way? 02br
00I know you are very busy, but thank you for any extra comments you can make about my composition. 02br
00I would also appreciate any other comments from other teachers who have enough patience to read my composition and make some comments. Thank you all for t5he opportunity and keep doing the great job in this site helping students to learn your beautifl and important language. 0-

Josesrf · Answer

0 Thank you very much for your help dear teachers. Do you think my topic sentence is OK? Is the topic of my paragraph narrowed down enough? Is the controlling idea of my paragraph clear and focused? Is my paragraph unified (do all my sentences support my controlling idea?) and are they coherent (are my ideas logically arranged?)? Did I use appropriate details and events? Are there any supporting details that you consider necessary? Is my conclusion interesting? Did I make many mistakes relating to vocabulary, use of English, grammar and punctuation? Thank you so much for your help. It means a lot to me. 0-

Abbie1948 · Answer

0 My goodness, Josesrf - what a lot of questions all together in one post! 02br
02br
00First - abbie is fine - I don't need the "mr" (particularly as abbie is a woman's name! 05000 )02br
01blockquote

00Two months ago, I was invited by my uncle Sergio to go to a car race. My uncle took me and some friends to this race in Brasilia where I was on vacation.12blockquote

12br
02br
00You might want to think about the information in your opening sentences. Perhaps it would be useful to "set the scene" by first telling us where you were and when this happened: 02br
02br
00Two months ago, I was in Brasilia on vacation when my uncle invited me and some friends to a go-cart race 02br
02br
02br
01blockquote

00I was very nervous, I had never driven a cart before, so my friend Francesca, who didn´t want to drive went in the car with me.12blockquote

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00Here again, I think it's just a question of deciding which is the important information. You were nervous 01b00because02b00 you had never driven a cart before; Francesca came with you because you were nervous. 02br
02br
00I had never driven a go-cart before, and I was very nervous, so my friend Francesca went in the go-cart with me, because she didn't want to drive anyway. 02br
02br
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00The race started, I was in the third place 01b00next to the second.02b02br
02br
00You don't need to say "next to the second" , because that is what "third place means. 02br
02br
02br
00The race started. I was in third place. 02br
01blockquote

00When I looked to Francesca to say something, a man appeared in the middle of the road, but I saw him too late, I was trying to break while he was looking to the sky and we crashed.12blockquote

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02br
00This is a very important part of the story, so you need to make the most of it. 02br
02br
00I looked towards Francesca to say something, 01b00 when suddenly02b00 a man appeared in the middle of the road, looking up at the sky. I tried to 01b00brake02b00, but I was too late, and I crashed into him. 02br
02br
01blockquote

00As fast as I could, I stopped and asked him if he was OK, but he didn´t say anything. While Francesca was crying, I was thinking I had killed a man when my friend Jason arrived. I told him what happened. 12blockquote

12br
02br
00Now the story gets more dramatic! There is a nice English phrase "screeched to a halt" - which means exactly what it sounds like - the screeching sound of tyres on the road as you brake hard to stop a car. Make your paragraph exciting by using words that show how fast you moved, how frightened you were, etc. Was Jason driving a cart? If so, say so. That all adds to the drama and the visual image of your story. 02br
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00I 01b00screeched to a halt.02b00 I 01b00leapt02b00 out of the cart and 01b00rushed02b00 over to the man. Francesca was crying, and I thought I had killed him. My friend Jason arrived, and stopped his cart. I told him what had happened. 02br
02br
00Now you reach your conclusion. Keep up the drama a little bit, because that gives a nice contrast to the happy ending. 02br
01blockquote

00When he was looking at the man, he jumped and Jason jumped too, everybody cried, but after that, the man said he was fine, he was just kidding, and he went away.12blockquote

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00Jason went over to look at the man lying in the road. As he bent over to look at him, the man leapt up, making Jason jump. Everyone was so relieved that we all cried. The man said that he was fine, and had just been joking, and with that, he walked away! 02br
02br
02br
02br
0100Two months ago, I was in Brasilia on vacation when my uncle invited me and some friends to a go-cart race. I had never driven a go-cart before, and I was very nervous, so my friend Francesca went in the go-cart with me, because she didn't want to drive anyway. 02br
02br
00The race started. I was in third place. I looked towards Francesca to say something, when suddenly a man appeared in the middle of the road, looking up at the sky. I tried to brake, but I was too late, and I crashed into him. 02br
02br
00I screeched to a halt. I leapt out of the cart and rushed over to the man. Francesca was crying, and I thought I had killed him. My friend Jason arrived, and stopped his cart. I told him what had happened. 02br
02br
00Jason went over to look at the man lying in the road. As he bent over to look at him, the man leapt up, making Jason jump. Everyone was so relieved that we all cried. The man said that he was fine, and had just been joking, and with that, he walked away!010id5

Josesrf · Answer

0 Hello abbie! 02br
00First of all, I am so sorry about my messing with your name. I feel so embarassed that I don´t know what to say. Forgive me, please. You know, in a sexist country such as Brazil when you see firm and intelligent answers and comments like yours people usually associate them with men. Perhaps that is in the subconscious of people but women like you prove that these sexist habits are very silly. Thus, thanks ***, they have been proved wrong. 02br
00Sorry a million, If I could say that. 02br
00I am very grateful for your answer and the special attention and patience you have given to my composition. Thanks a lot. Keep doing the excellent work. Professionals like you make this forum the best on the internet. 02br
00Ciao and thanks. 02br
00ps. my teacher said that you made top notch comments and you must be a top notch teacher. 0-

Abbie1948 · Answer

0 Hello Josesrf, 02br
02br
00Please don't worry about the name - it's a very easy mistake, and anyone could make it! I'm glad to have been of help. 0-

Josesrf · Answer

0 My teacher told me I have a problem with comma splices. He explained them to me but I did not understand very well. My question would be: " Do I really have a problem with comma splices?"(Can you show me some in my composition?- if there are more than one.) 2- "What are comma splices?" 0-

Abbie1948 · Answer

0 Hi Josesrf 02br
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00This page explains all about comma splices, and how to correct them. 02br
02br
05000 02br
02br
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00I have highlighted the commas in your first post which could be removed or replaced. The page above suggests using a semi-colon, but these can be as difficult as commas, so I suggest you master the comma first before trying the semi-colon! A very simple way of dealing with the problem of comma splices is to think - "can I make this into 2 sentences?" If the answer is "yes" - then make 2 sentences. 02br
02br
00A second question to ask is "can I put one short word in here instead of the punctuation mark?" 02br
02br
00When you are learning a language, it is probably better to use shorter sentences until you get used to all the punctuation marks. 02br
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01blockquote

00Two months ago11b10,12b10 I was invited by my uncle Sergio to go to a car race. My uncle took me and some friends to this race in Brasilia where I was on vacation. I was very nervous11b10,12b10 I had never driven a cart before11b10,12b10 so my friend Francesca11b10,12b10 who didn´t want to drive went in the car with me. The race started11b10,12b10 I was in the third place next to the second. When I looked to Francesca to say something 11b10,12b10 a man appeared in the middle of the road11b10,12b10 but I saw him too late11b10,12b10 I was trying to break while he was looking to the sky and we crashed. As fast as I could11b10,12b10 I stopped and asked him if he was OK, but he didn´t say anything. While Francesca was crying, I was thinking I had killed a man when my friend Jason arrived. I told him what happened. When he was looking at the man, he jumped and Jason jumped too, everybody cried11b10,12b10 but after that11b10,12b10 the man said he was fine, he was just kidding11b10,12b10 and he went away.12blockquote

12br
02br
00Now I'll just alter some of the punctuation in your first piece: 02br
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01blockquote

00Two months ago I was invited by my uncle Sergio to go to a car race. My uncle took me and some friends to this race in Brasilia where I was on vacation. I was very nervous 11b10as12b10 I had never driven a cart before. My friend Francesca didn´t want to drive 11b10and12b10 went in the car with me. The race started. I was in the third place next to the second. I looked to Francesca to say something 11b10when12b10 a man appeared in the middle of the road. I saw him too late. I was trying to break 11b10but12b10 he was looking to the sky and we crashed. As fast as I could I stopped. I asked him if he was OK but he didn´t say anything. Francesca was crying 11b10and12b10 I was thinking I had killed a man. Then my friend Jason arrived and I told him what happened. He was looking at the man 11b10when12b10 he jumped 11b10up12b10 and Jason jumped too. Everybody cried. The man said he was fine, he was just kidding. Then he went away.12blockquote

12br
02br
00Essentially, I have put in a few short words and made the sentences shorter. 0250hrefhttp://www.ucfv.bc.ca/writing_centre/res9.htm

Josesrf · Answer

0 My *** you´re great Abbie !!! Thanks a trillion. 02br
00I´d like to know if I can change this sentence: 1-My uncle took me and some friends to this race in Brasilia where I was on vacation, for this sentence: 2-My uncle took my friends and I..... 02br
00Is number 2 more formal ? Is the grammar in number 2 better? 0-

Abbie1948 · Answer

0 Hi Jose, 02br
01blockquote

00My uncle took me and some friends12blockquote

12br
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00This is definitely the grammatical thing to say. 02br
02br
00"I" is the pronoun we use as the 01b00subject02b00 of a sentence: 02br
02br
00- "I went to the race" 02br
02br
00"Me" is used as the 01b00object02b00 of the sentence - "My uncle (subject) took me (object) to the race." 0-

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