Please assess my IELTS essay (RTI 2 - task 2)

Question

In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment.What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.Write at least 250 words.In the past few years, there has been an issue among the large number of graduates that they have fewer chances of being employed despite high level of education. In my opinion, the reasons originate from the education system and the demands of society.That many brilliant graduates were made redundant can result from the education system. It is undeniable that most universities are too focusing on theories with a shortage of practical applications. Therefore, graduates often lack of experience and useful skills to survive in this competitive labour market althoughthey have an excellent bachelor’s degree. Another cause can stem from students themselves. They tend to chase ambiguous goals without analysing the demands of labour market. For example, one of my cousins has opted for studying to be an accountant whereas there is no need for more accountants at the present. As a result, she has still been jobless since she graduated from her university with an excellent degree. From my perspective, each factor has its own measure to be taken. First, educators need to innovate academic criteria in assessing students to filter extremely excellent graduates. This helps enhance the quality of young labour. Additionally, universities should concentrate on vocational training programmes or internships for their graduates with a view to supplying them all fundamental skills and experience to actively seek for employment. As for students, they should do more researches on current labour market and always acquire new pieces of knowledge and information before applying for a position.In conclusion, I believe that both educators and students must play their part in getting rid of this phenomenon.(268 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

~~In the past few years,~~ (The task is about the current situation, so use a present tense verb.) There ~~has been~~ is an issue among university ~~the large number of~~ graduates: ~~that~~ they have fewer chances of being employed despite their high level of education. In my opinion, the reasons originate from the education system and the demands of society.

That many brilliant graduates were made redundant (This is somewhat off-topic. It is about general unemployment, not those who lost their jobs due to corporate downsizing.) can result from the education system. ~~It is undeniable that~~ (Avoid these dummy-it clauses. They are not effective.) Most universities focus too much ~~are too focusing~~ (unnatural, awkward.) on theories ~~with a shortage of~~ (unnatural, awkward.) without consideration of the practical applications. Therefore, graduates often lack of experience (wrong phrasing) and useful skills to survive in this competitive labour market althoughthey have a~~n excellent~~ (unnatural, awkward.) bachelor’s degree from a prestigious school. Another cause can stem from the students themselves. They tend to chase ambiguous goals without analysing the demands of labour market. For example, one of my cousins has opted ~~for studying~~ to study to be an accountant whereas there is no need for more accountants at the present. As a result, she has still been jobless since she graduated from her university with high marks. ~~an excellent degree.~~

~~From my perspective, each factor has its own measure to be taken~~. (unnatural, awkward.) To remedy this situation educators first need to innovate academic criteria (That makes no sense. ) in assessing students to filter extremely excellent graduates. (I do not know what you mean. Do the university admissions need to be more strict, so fewer people will graduate?) This helps enhance (wrong word) the quality of young labour. (I do not know what you mean.) Additionally, universities should concentrate on vocational training programmes or internships for their graduates with a view to supplying them all fundamental skills and experience to be successful in obtaining a job. ~~actively seek for employment~~. (Unemployed people are usually actively seeking a job without success.. It does not make sense to teach them how to actively seek employment.) As for students, they should do more researches (wrong form. Research is non-count) on current labour market and always acquire new pieces of knowledge and information (That does not make sense. What information do they need?) before applying for a position.

In conclusion, I believe that both educators and students must play their part in reducing the unemployment rate of university and college graduates. ~~getting rid of this phenomenon~~. (wrong word)

Vocabulary: ENHANCE

Learners seem to love this word "enhance", but in native English, it primarily is used in situations meaning "make more beautiful" or "make more attractive." That is the first definition. The sense of "make an improvement" is used much less.

Here are some common collocations for the verb "enhance."

That color of eyeshadow enhances the sparkle in your eyes.
The recruiter added a large amount to the starting salary to enhance the job posting, hoping to attract more applicants. 
The program will enhance the regional and national reputation of the company.
This sauce will enhance the flavor of the meat.
The flashy presentation did not enhance the learning experience.
Companies will do almost anything legal to enhance the bottom line.

Please assess my IELTS essay (RTI 2 - task 2)

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