Personal statement help me!

this is what i have so far. would be great for some more ideas and tell me what you think

I really look forward to start my degree at Murdoch College. After I graduated high school I got a job as a concreter. I was laboring for a year and was not enjoying it all. It was tough times, the death of my mum to cancer really influenced my decision. I didn’t just want to be a concreter, I wanted to be better than that and start studying something I enjoyed. I started browsing and found that Murdoch Institute of Technology were offering a six month course for students who didn’t get a direct entry into university. I always wanted to go to university and MIT gave me that opportunity. Now I have passed the course I want to further my knowledge in business management.

Business and money has always intrigued me. My dad has his own company and After six months studying at the Murdoch Institute of Technology I believe I have now prepared myself for tertiary studies. The MIT course has prepared me in different ways. MIT was a great experience for me, it has helped me enhance my ability to manage time to meet certain deadlines of a number of different tasks . Living forty minutes away from the college also has shown my commitment to my studies.