Personal Statement for MSc Management: Please review

There is a rapid growth in global organisational concepts to be as effective as possible in the most efficient way. New technology involving networking information and automation influences the behaviour of business and enables significant transformation. This need to maximise efficiency and effectiveness in such a competitive age is increasingly crucial to the success of a business. This is why it is an exciting and fascinating period in both the commercial and economic world to study Business Management.
I have worked for Afghanistan Information Management Services as an Internee, assisting in the ICT and projects. It was a significant learning experience and made me evaluate myself and better understand my strengths and skills, such as the ability to easily identify discrepancies and communicate these effectively to management so that problems can be solved. E-Banking Solution, a software project for the MyBank Ltd in 2nd year, first exposed me to the financial services industry. I followed it up with internship in the same bank. Operating within two different, but equally successful organisations has enabled me to see contrasting leadership styles and corporate culture. 
Apart from academic interests, I also have a diverse experience in extra-curricular activities. I served as a Community Mobilizer and Polling Staff in the Afghanistan elections in 2004 and 2005. I took part in fund raising efforts for the earthquakes victims in Pakistan in 2005 and 2008. I also have performed voluntary work in the Afghan Geodesy and Cartography Head Office (AGCHO) by networking their computers and installing Software applications. Moreover, I have trained the staff in AGCHO in those Software applications and English language. I am a committed member of the Cricket team at my local and university Cricket clubs. I have captained the team in previous seasons which required leadership, confidence and diligence. In my spare time, I enjoy listening to a range of music, going to the gym and socialising. I am a regular reader of the Financial Times, Wall Street Journal, Fortune, New York Times, Times of India and PC World Magazine, enjoy keeping up with current affairs and business news. 
Adaptability, creative thinking, analytical thinking and the application of technology are now intrinsic to managing businesses. I have developed these principles partially and, therefore, intend to enhance them through postgraduate studies. I have enjoyed the spectrum of computer engineering study that has taught me to how to approach problems from different perspectives. Information Technology has enabled me to examine the criticality of technology in giving businesses a competitive edge by considering issues such as organisational objectives, people and legal implications rather than making decisions based solely on financial factors. The study of Engineering Economics and Management, a 3rd year undergraduate course, also provided me the opportunity to look more closely to management field. I took short courses of Accounting, Finance and Business Management. 
The postgraduate Management program in the UK is the right fit for my ambitions because of its overall academic excellence, its emphasis on business concepts, and industry-oriented environment. Particularly the corporations and the financial services industry in UK will provide me a great chance to reinforce theoretical knowledge of management. I plan to capitalize on its strengths as it relates to my interests. 

Thank you very much