Personal statement finance UK

Hi Guys,

I'm in the process of rewriting my personal statement and I am stuck.
I am applying for Finance program in UK, however, my friend told me my PS is not relevant.
Can you please have a look and give comments? I would really appreciate it!
Thanks in advance.

I am standing on the stage as the spotlights are shining bright right in my eyes. Blinded by them I cannot see a single person in the crowd, but I know: many people have come. Paralyzed with fear, yet determined to do my best, I give a sign to start the performance. My parents later confessed that my idea had raised their eyebrows, however, all their doubts vanished when our band became recognizable in adjacent cities. So how it started for me?
I remember myself looking at my classmate signing and playing the guitar and, being as competitive as I am, I recall thinking "I can do much better". Hours spent learning how to play on a borrowed instrument, wooden fingertips – and I managed to succeed – I learned how to play within 2 weeks. It was my debut in discovering grit, unique blend of passion and perseverance for long-term goals.
For a very long time my passion was English music, and like any romance is growing from infatuation to commitment, it was natural for a strong connection to be established between music and love for the English language.
This love paid off- in 2008 I found myself on the threshold of something exciting: I became a finalist of Future Leaders Exchange program and went to the United States for an exchange year. I was 15 years old and up to adventure. Fear of the unknown mixed with excitement made my legs shake when I got out of the plane. However, I took up a challenge.
America is a country that hosts people from all over the world. Since I shared my lunch breaks with people from different cultural backgrounds, they triggered my passion for foreign cultures. A few years later, I had another chance to take a bite of foreign culture, when I was awarded a Chinese Government Scholarship, which enabled me to go to China for 1 year. Being a student of one of the best Russian Universities, I believed we worked hard to deserve good grades, but it was only in China when I realized what real hard work is. At the end of the year my daily routine was spending 9 hours in the library, during exams these hours reached a number of 12. It was a very fruitful year: when I first came I could barely understand a thing, whereas I finished with enough knowledge of Chinese to read newspapers and professional literature and also passed Chinese Proficiency Exam as a proof of my achievement.
Meanwhile, I was also completing assignments for my Russian University. My passion for foreign cultures led me to pursuing a unique major: international relations in nuclear sphere. It was a unique combination of mathematical basis with social sciences and languages. Among the included modules there were nuclear physics, mathematical analysis, economic theory. Thus, I was introduced to the world I had not known before: world of numbers. Mathematical analysis, differential and integral calculus enhanced my quantitative expertise, business process modeling sharpened my ability to think analytically, investment management boosted my critical thinking. These and other subjects equipped me with the ability to interpret data and successfully draw conclusions.
With that as a backdrop, I grew more interested in economical and financial matters, the process kicked into gear with diving into the professional literature: The Economist, Financial Times and Forbes magazines, “Rich Dad Poor Dad”, “MBA in 1 month” in order quench my thirst for knowledge of ins and outs of the financial world. The more I read the more passionate I grew about it. Finance is the industry that rules the world, it greases the wheels of globalization. Degree in finance is applicable to any company in any economical sector, and not likely to ever expire. In particular, finance in UK is distinguished with the most international cohort of professionals, which it is a great chance to develop an international network of contacts.
I believe educational environment plays a vital role in shaping one's professional future, thus it would be a great honor for me to study in the world's business and financial center of Europe – London. My choice of ______ University can be explained by threefold of reasons. Firstly, it has a superb reputation which has been proved from year to year. Secondly, the way the course is taught is a big part of the appeal: the learning process is focused on practical aspects, which is an asset for any student; a strong teaching staff, presented by people, who have build their own successful careers in large international companies or established their own business, are eager to share their experience with students, is an invaluable feature of the finance program. Furthermore, _______has supportive mentors and inspiring environment with great experimental opportunities involved - everything that pushes forward to grow.
I presume that successful people are driven by grit. Grit is investing in future. Grit is a growth mindset. Grit is remembering that life is not a sprint – it's a marathon. People who possess grit get up off the mat, when they get knocked out, and bulldoze irresistibly ahead until they finally reach their goal. Without a shred of doubt, I assure that I am this type of person and I am the most suitable for this program.