Paragraph correction!

Question

Hello There,

I am wondering if some one could correct me the paragraph bellow, or give me instruction to correct it. I will appreciate it

xxx is a girl of multiple tasks, she could get along with her study and work life, she wanted to work at the same time of her studying in college to get advantage from her time, and apply her academic knowledge in real life work.

Waïti · Accepted Answer

Hiya Sheena,
Let me give it a try and I hope I'll be of good counsel...

*** is a girl involved in multiple tasks, she could manage both her studies and her work life, she wanted to work at the same time she studied in college to take the best advantage of her time, and apply her academic knowledge to her work and daily life occupations.

Few explanations to my choices :
- 'girl/boy of multiple talents' exists, but 'girl of multiple tasks' doesn't sound right.
- 'get along with...' : it has to be 'with someone' not 'with something' and it means 'become friend with'.
- 'to get an advantage' is an expression that exists but isn't applicable in this context, I think 'take advantage' is really what you need here.

(I hope life is treating you well and we all hope that, with the pending election process in Irak, peace is around the corner...). Cheers.
Waïti.

Sheena84 · Answer

Hiya Waiti,

thank you so much for you support to iraqi people, it's amazing that you watch Iraq's news so closely, I do agree with what you said, as long as we go on processing our daily life and stepping forward to build new systems things will be better.

Also, thank you so much for your help with the paragrapgh correction, that was very useful, I can see the huge differences between the two sentences, even though I already posted my recommendation, but it doesn't matter, I will be aware of not doing such mistakes in next time. But I wanted to ask you another thing. yestrday I posted my application to a scholarship, after I psoted I reviewed my application and I just found that I did a very HUGE mistake in the essay, I still can't believe myself. here is the sentence,

(as my contact with International corporations after the changing regime made me aware of the huge gaps our management in the fields mentioned above.)

I forgot to put (in) before management or cancel the (our management)! I am so desperae now; how negative impact that will be having on my essay and my admission? and I am sorry for asking such question, may be you're not specialist in such topics, but I just want to know other people's view on this.

Does anyone have any idea how they will consider this?

besides, as you notice, when I write it sounds too long, I have problem with expressing thoughts in small words and sentences, I am wondering of the method to amend that !

Savvysavz · Answer

Sheena84... I just found that I did a very HUGE mistake in the essay, I still can't believe myself. here is the sentence,

(as my contact with International corporations after the changing regime made me aware of the huge gaps our management in the fields mentioned above.)

... I just ant to know other people's view on this.

Does anyone have any idea how they will consider this?

besides, as you notice, when I write it sounds too long, I have problem with expressing thoughts in small words and sentences, I am wondering of the method to amend that !

Hi Sheena,

I'm not an expert in admission essays but I wrote couple of essays some months back for admission abroad.I browsed extensively on what admission officers expect in an essay and what they don't like seeing in them. So I just wanted to tell you that forgetting one single preposition in an essay won't impact your essay negatively. However if you made many similar mistakes they might think you're being careless. Don't worry since it was just one mistake .

Also, your sentence above in blue could have been rephrased but it's not that long. There are people who write sentences taking 4 or 5 lines.If you really feel your sentences are too long, use commas where appropriate.

Hope this helped.Best of luck!

Savvy

Waïti · Answer

Sheena, I agree, don't beat yourself up over one tiny mistake you left in your essay.... One thing I learned from school : if it's too perfect then they think it's someone else's work and they get suspicious [:^)]... Just sharing my own experience here <img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/5.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/5.gif' alt='Emotion: wink'/>

Anonymous · Answer

thank you for your letter of the March 15

Anonymous · Answer

Sheena84

Hello There,

I am wondering if some one could correct me the paragraph bellow, or give me instruction to correct it. I will appreciate it

*** is a girl of multiple tasks, she could get along with her study and work life, she wanted to work at the same time of her studying in college to get advantage from her time, and apply her academic knowledge in real life work.

Paragraph correction!

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