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WhiteStorm Posted 21 years ago
Our Unaccepted Aria
This is modern, constructive criticism is very welcome, especially about the last line. I'm not quite sure if it is effective.
Our Unaccepted Aria
You stand there on your empty stage.
We wait.
Everyone waits for you,
they don’t notice you swallow nervously
let alone know why.
You stand, not sure what to do.
The words are flying through your head.
You sink to your knees
close your eyes and sleep
but they don’t notice,
They wait for the music.
Always their eyes are on the music.
Only I see you
because I see beyond the song.
I slowly climb the stairs
And join in the silent performance.
The people turn away.
They aren’t getting what they came for,
there is no music here.
For they don’t know the song
of silence.
But I know
I know that face
I know your voice
When it joins with mine,
silent to the lonely commoner ears.
Our Unaccepted Aria
You stand there on your empty stage.
We wait.
Everyone waits for you,
they don’t notice you swallow nervously
let alone know why.
You stand, not sure what to do.
The words are flying through your head.
You sink to your knees
close your eyes and sleep
but they don’t notice,
They wait for the music.
Always their eyes are on the music.
Only I see you
because I see beyond the song.
I slowly climb the stairs
And join in the silent performance.
The people turn away.
They aren’t getting what they came for,
there is no music here.
For they don’t know the song
of silence.
But I know
I know that face
I know your voice
When it joins with mine,
silent to the lonely commoner ears.
Top answer
The last line is rather patronizing, which this poem hardly warrants. PS: I now see that this is your first posting-- welcome to English Forums Poetry Forum.
- The last line is rather patronizing, which this poem hardly warrants.
- PS: I now see that this is your first posting-- welcome to English Forums Poetry Forum.
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7 Answers
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The last line is rather patronizing, which this poem hardly warrants.
PS: I now see that this is your first posting-- welcome to English Forums Poetry Forum.
PS: I now see that this is your first posting-- welcome to English Forums Poetry Forum.
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An aria is an elaborate song for solo voice.
Here is another option for the last stanza:
But I know
I know that face
I know your voice
when it joins with mine,
in our undesired duet.
Or I could eliminate the last line altogether.
Here is another option for the last stanza:
But I know
I know that face
I know your voice
when it joins with mine,
in our undesired duet.
Or I could eliminate the last line altogether.
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Yes, I think I will take the last line out. Thanks for your help, everyone!
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