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Peaceblinkfriend Posted 18 years ago
Grammar

"...otherwise..."

'I didn't do that, did I? You on the other hand did otherwise.' 

Is this a natural way to say 'you' did everything that did not do?

Thanks 

PBF
  

Top answer

Overall, the utterance is confusing. Please revise and resubmit.

  • Overall, the utterance is confusing.
  • Please revise and resubmit.
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9 Answers
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Overall, the utterance is confusing. Please revise and resubmit.
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This is another made-up line that I intend to use in a piece of creative writing. 

The dialogue involves Emma and Jack. They are good friends but both are somewhat playful which sometimes lead to arguments between them. On one ocassion, Jack, who for some reason thinks bananas are the most tasteless fruit, very inconsiderately, flinged away the peel of the banana which he had just finish
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Just for clarification, Emma was not actually writing her homework as Jack and we were led to believe. 

Also, in this sentence, could I replace 'retaliating' with another word that does not convey that great a sense of nastiness and 'an eye for an eye' attitude ? 


thinking that she would go back to her home
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Generally, you dialogue is too stilted. You're trying to get too much information into dialogue that would not contain it because it is part of the situational context.


'What was that for?'

'For making me lose my train of thought, which is hard enough to keep when I'm trying to think of a story to cover up for you.'
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Thanks for replying, Mister Micawber. 

Did you mean that what I had included in the orignial line said by Emma ('...train of thought...') should instead be told in the actual narrative itself? 

Thanks again

PBF
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That's a possibility, but not necessarily. My point is that if possible the situation itself should exhibit that e.g. her train of thought has been interrupted, rather than stating the fact.
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Oh, I see what you mean now. Emotion: smile

So what should the dialogue cover then?

Thank you again

PBF
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Don't think of it that way, PBF. Picture your characters in their environment and situation and try to create realistic spoken language, which is often fragmented, suggestive and deictic. (The referents necessary for the reader's understanding do exist, of course, somewhere in the knowledge of familiar situations that writer and reader have in common, in the narrative or in previous dialo
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I think Mr. M's comments on realism in dialogue is good advice. I'd like to address the logic (or lack of logic) of the particular dialogue you asked about.
Peaceblinkfriend
Jack opened the exercise book and turned to the page with the banana peel. It was squashed. 'I didn't do that, did I? You (...on the other hand did otherwise...')'

I am not sure w

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