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Jobb Posted 21 years ago

Okay?

0 Is the poem okay? 02br
00 (I hope you will say "fine", but you'd better tell the truth) 02br
02br
00 The thread in the hands of a fond-hearted mother 02br
00Makes clothes for the body of her wayward boy; 02br
00Carefully she sews and thoroughly she mends, 02br
00Dreading the delays that will keep him late from home. 02br
00But how much love has the inch-long grass 02br
00For three spring months of the light of the sun? 0-
  

Top answer

0Good concept. Grammar and word choice is excellent. A little vague as to why the son does not return in a timely fashion.

— Mister Micawber

  • 0Good concept.
  • Grammar and word choice is excellent.
  • A little vague as to why the son does not return in a timely fashion.
  • The meter is off: 02br 02br 00u/uu/uu/uu/u 02br 00u/uu/uuu/u/ 02br 00/uuu/u/uuu/ 02br 00/uuu/uu/uuu/ 02br 00u/u/uu/u/ 02br 00u/u/uu/uu/ 02br 02br 00Overall, nicely done, Jobb.
  • 02br 02br 00I am looking forward to your revision, and I'm moving this over to Poetry Forum now.
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8 Answers
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0Good concept. Grammar and word choice is excellent. A little vague as to why the son does not return in a timely fashion. The meter is off: 02br
02br
00u/uu/uu/uu/u 02br
00u/uu/uuu/u/ 02br
00/uuu/u/uuu/ 02br
00/uuu/uu/uuu/ 02br
00u/u/uu/u/ 02br
00u/u/uu/uu/ 02br
02br
00Overall, nicely done, Jo
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0 This is a translation of a poem from the Tang dynasty. 02br
02br
00Some of the lines may be too literally translated 02br
02br
00Just my two cents. 0-
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0In what way, Julie? There is nothing intrinsically wrong with literal translation. Has the meaning been changed, or is it unpoetic in some way? 0-
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0 Sorry, I woke up from a bad dream and posted that cryptic message. 02br
02br
00I think the love for the son is shown by the mother's effort in last-minute stitching, and that is related to her sensing that her son won't come home for a while. The stiching symbolizes her worry about her son. 02br
02br
00Also, I don't think "wayward" is the right translat
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0 Hi Jobb, 02br
02br
00I compared your translation with two others (one from A.C.Graham's Penguin classic). In the other two, the translators use "wanderer", "gratitude", and "stitch" (not wayward, love and sew/mend). 02br
02br
00Another thing to remember is the title. The poem is written from the wanderer/son's perspective. 02br
02br
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0 I think it's good too. 02br
02br
00The metre is interesting. I take the first 4 lines as loose pentameters, and the last two as loose tetrameters. I wonder whether the change to tetrameters disrupts the rhythm a little. 02br
02br
00I don't quite understand the last line. How do the 3 months fit in, in the original? 02br
02br
00MrP 0
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0 A Chinese literati friend of mine translated this also. 02br
02br
00Last two lines: 02br
00One wondered how heartily the little inch-long grass 02br
00should express enough gratitude towards the sunshine throughout spring. (There're roughly 3 months in Spring) 02br
02br
00The title of the poem is The Wanderer's Song. So the poem
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0 Ah! thank you! 02br
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