OK, HOW ABOUT THIS?

Question

MountainHiker,

This is the adult student applying to FIT. I've spent the past two days writing my essay over, after reading your comments. Please let me know what you think.

It is the stuff they make movies from: a young girl, determined to leave her negative surroundings, works hard in school and takes her A's and her artistic talent to High School of Art and Design. Feeling that she has not been challenged to her full potential after a few years, she loses her interest in school and loses sight of her dream to make it big. After giving college a try for a year, she decides that this is not for her and she finds herself a job. That job leads to many others, and before she knows it, ten years have gone by.
That young girl's passion has been reawakened in me, and after so many years of feeling incomplete and dissatisfied, in 2002, the memory of this young girl's dream accompanied a confident and determined woman as she registered at Marymount Manhattan College. Since then, I have proven myself as a focused and motivated student in the academic world by maintaining a 3.95 GPA while working full-time.
While I am proud of my GPA, it only confirms what I already know: that this time I will graduate with a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Graphic Design, I will do on to earn my Masters Degree as well, and I will eventually own my own innovative design company that will not only service clients in the United States, but around the world as well. In preparation for this goal, I have perfected my reading, writing, and speaking skills in Spanish, and am currently in the process of learning Italian.
As well as taking the required courses for my degree at Marymount Manhattan College, I also attend Queens College for non-credit courses in art and design and am scheduled to take courses at the Arts Student League of New York next year. Taking the time to attend extra curricular classes has enhanced my creativity skills, in addition to broadening my horizons in repect to technique. In my spare time, I enjoy traveling and going to museums and galleries, which further develops my passion for learning about different styles of design, as well as my knowledge of the historical aspect of art and design.
While I look through the web gallery on Fashion Institute of Technology's website, I am reminded why you are my top choice. The quality of the education available at Fashion Institute of Technology is evident in the results turned out by the students who attend this school. The required internship for a Bachelors degreein Graphic Design, the relationships with important associations such as the American Institute of Graphic Arts, and the evening and weekend program available are all reasons I know Fashion Institute of Technology will be the cornerstone of my future success. With the opportunity to be industry-ready upon graduation, build relationships with people in my chosen field, and the ability to earn my Bachelors degree in two years is invaluable for a person like me who works full-time.
I have taken the liberty to attach a letter of reference from my Graphic Design instructor at Marymount Manhattan College. I know you will agree that my love of design, as well as my talent for it will make me an ideal student at your school. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I'd appreciate any advice/comments on this rewritten essay. Thanks to everyone!

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

It is the stuff they make movies from: a young girl, determined to leave her negative surroundings, works hard in school and takes her A's and her artistic talent to High School of Art and Design. Feeling that she has not been challenged to her full potential after a few years, she loses her interest in school and loses sight of her dream to make it big. After giving college a try for a year, she decides that this is not for her and she finds herself a job. That job leads to many others, and before she knows it, ten years have gone by.

I am a young woman who after 10 away from school has returned to Marymount Manhattan College earning a 3.95 GPA while maintaining a full-time job. I am focused blah blah blah. [Now you’re saying, I don’t care about the past because I am not talking about it. I am talking about the present and the future. Look at me now—I am a dynamo. I am going to accept all challenges and come away victorious.]

That young girl's passion has been reawakened in me, and after so many years of feeling incomplete and dissatisfied, in 2002, the memory of this young girl's dream accompanied a confident and determined woman as she registered at Marymount Manhattan College. Since then, I have proven myself as a focused and motivated student in the academic world by maintaining a 3.95 GPA while working full-time. [see above discussion]

While I am proud of my GPA, it only confirms what I already know: that this time I will graduate with a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Graphic Design, I will do on to earn my Masters Degree as well, and I will eventually own my own innovative design company that will not only service clients in the United States, but around the world as well. In preparation for this goal, I have perfected my reading, writing, and speaking skills in Spanish, and am currently in the process of learning Italian.

As well as taking the required courses for my degree at Marymount Manhattan College, I also attend Queens College for non-credit courses in art and design and am scheduled to take courses at the Arts Student League of New York next year. Taking the time to attend extra curricular classes has enhanced my creativity skills, in addition to broadening my horizons in respect to technique. In my spare time, I enjoy traveling and going to museums and galleries, which further develops [or feeds] my passion for learning about different styles of design, as well as my knowledge of the historical aspect of art and design.

While I look through the web gallery on Fashion Institute of Technology's website, I am reminded why you are my top choice. The quality of the education available at Fashion Institute of Technology is evident in the results turned out by the students who attend this school. The required internship for a Bachelors degreein Graphic Design, the relationships with important associations such as the American Institute of Graphic Arts, and the evening and weekend program available are all reasons I know Fashion Institute of Technology will be the cornerstone of my future success. With the opportunity to be industry-ready upon graduation, build relationships with people in my chosen field, and the ability to earn my Bachelors degree in two years is invaluable for a person like me who works full-time.

I have taken the liberty to attach a letter of reference from my Graphic Design instructor at Marymount Manhattan College. I know you will agree that my love of design, as well as my talent for it will make me an ideal student at your school. I look forward to hearing from you soon. [Don’t include your reference letter unless asked for it.]

This is much stronger than your prior letter. I like the way you are developing the letter. Try a new introduction that is more forceful and more positive. Once you have created a new introduction, you are going to have to revise the rest of your letter to better blend in with your introduction. But the essential elements are beginning to show. I think with a couple more iterations you will have a strong powerful letter. Accent the positive, ignore the negative. Just like dating, no? Who wants to hear about all the prior wounds and hurts. Just talk about the future and how you plan to seize it.

Also, I wouldn’t refer too much to the FIT website. See if you can find some notable graduates and emphasize their success. Talk about how your time spent at FIT is going to be pivotal in terms for forming friends and relationships that will remain important throughout your career. In essence, FIT will be important because of what they will teach you as well as the friendship and contacts you will have gained. I strongly suspect that if you really impress the instructors, they are well connected and can help get you started on your business. Look at each instructor as a partner in addition to a task master.

I hope that helps.

MountainHiker

p.s.: When you come back with your revision or even just comments, please post them as an addtion to this thread. That way, we can see what was written previously and we can enjoy the progression.

Designjunkie · Answer

Thank you SO much!  I will work on it tonight and post the revision asap.

Designjunkie · Answer

MountainHiker,

I've rewritten certain parts, please let me if it's getting better.

It is the stuff they make movies about: a young girl, with a desire for a successful future, works hard in school and takes her A's and artistic talent to High School of Art and Design. Feeling that she is not being challenged to her full potential, she loses sight of her dreams of making it big. After giving college a try for a year, she decides this is not for her, and she finds herself a job. This job leads to many others, and before she knows it, ten years have gone by.
In 2002, I returned to the academic world by registering at Marymount Manhattan College. Since then, I have proven myself to be a focused and determined young woman who is able to handle any challenge that comes her way. I have demonstrated this by maintaining a 3.95 GPA while working full-time. Taking on this challenge has shown me that I am able to work well under pressure, while exceling in all aspects of my life.
While I am proud of my GPA, it only confirms what I already know: that this time I will earn an Associate degree in Communication Design, I will then earn a Bachelors in Fine Arts degree in Graphic Design, I will go on to earn my Masters degree as well, and I will own my own innovative design company that will not only service clients in the United States, but around the world as well. In preparation for this important goal, I have perfected my reading, writing, and speaking skills in Spanish, and I am currently in the process of learning Italian.
As well as taking the required courses for my degree in Marymount Manhattan College, I also attend non-credit courses at Queens College in art and design and I am schedule to take courses at the Arts Student League of New York next year. Taking the time to attend extra-curricular classes has enhanced my creativity skills, in addition to broadening my horizons in respect to different techniques. In my spare time, I enjoy traveling and going to museums and galleries, which further feeds my passion for learning about various types of design. This also strengthens my knowledge of the historical aspect of art and design.
The quality of the education and opportunities available at Fashion Institute of Technology is evident in the success of the students that attend this school. A perfect example of this is Kimberly Young. She is not only a successful designer who recently joined Dragon Rouge Design Consultants in New York City, she is also a graduate of Fashion Institute of Technology. The required internship, the relationships with important associations such as the American Institute of Graphic Arts, and the evening and weekend programs are all reasons I know Fashion Institute of Technology will be the cornerstone of my future success. Having the chance to be industry-ready upon graduation and building lasting relationships with people in my chosen field are essential while I pursue my goals.
The pre-professional training received at Fashion Institute of Technology is the reason this school is my top choice. I know you will agree that my love of design, as well as my talent for it will make me an ideal student at your school.

What do you think? Better?

MountainHiker · Answer

It is the stuff they make movies about: a young girl, with a desire for a successful future, works hard in school and takes her A's and artistic talent to High School of Art and Design. Feeling that she is not being challenged to her full potential, she loses sight of her dreams of making it big. After giving college a try for a year, she decides this is not for her, and she finds herself a job. This job leads to many others, and before she knows it, ten years have gone by.

In 2002, I returned to the academic world by registering at Marymount Manhattan College. Since then, I have proven myself to be a focused and determined young woman who is able to handle any challenge that comes her way. I have demonstrated this by maintaining a 3.95 GPA while working full-time. Taking on this challenge has shown me that I am able to work well under pressure, while excelling in all aspects of my life.

While I am proud of my GPA, it only confirms what I already know: that this time I will earn an Associate degree in Communication Design, I will then earn a Bachelors in Fine Arts degree in Graphic Design, I will go on to earn my Masters degree as well, and I will own my own innovative design company that will not only service clients in the United States, but around the world as well. In preparation for this important goal, I have perfected my reading, writing, and speaking skills in Spanish, and I am currently in the process of learning Italian.

I am just going to concentrate on your opening or introduction. You have an unorthodox or artistic opening. However, it still has a very heavy or negative feeling to it-~~at least to me. Giving college a try (failure), decides it is not for her (more failure), finds a job (not a career~~-failure), leads to many others (more failures), and ten years have elapsed (desperate failure).

I have an engineering and finance background, so I tend to approach things head on as opposed to an oblique artistic fashion. If it were me, I would not try to explain the 10 years and failed jobs. If asked about it, "yeah, I could have made some better career choices earlier in life, but I am where I am, and I am focused on achieving my goals as demonstrated by commitment to higher education and my accompanying achievements. Next." So I don't want to dwell on the past. It seems to me to raise a bunch of flags, if nothing else insecurity about yourself. Flip it around. You have maturity having experienced some life and you are now aggressively chasing your dreams. Not unusual.

After your artistic opening, you are almost mundane in describing the next set of facts/information. I lose that sense of your tremendous passion and drive. I sense you have that passion and drive because you are working so darn hard toward your goal. You need to bring that passion that exists within you and put it on paper.

I feel that you are at the precipice. You just need that sudden inspiration and your essay/letter will click into place. My suggestion is to soak on it for a day or two. Sometimes dwelling on a writing assignment only seems to push the creative demons back further into the recesses of your brain. Relax and let the demons think it is safe to come out and play again.

So here's my advice. Drop the overly artistic introduction with "stuff about movies". Think of a way to let them know you are a mature student that is serious and is accomplishing a lot, both academically (gpa) and life wise (full time job). Then tell them about your passion and drive. Tell them how their program is a pivotal to your dreams.

Please be aware, I don't have any special insights in the design world. I am just giving you my interpretation. So take what you find useful and disregard the rest. At the end of the process, you have to be happy and content with your essay/letter.

MountainHiker

OK, HOW ABOUT THIS?

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