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Usenet Posted 21 years ago
Screenwriting
Not a political post
Thought I'd spend couple hours actually practicing screenwriting this month. The mood of the following is similar to my "real" script (the poor neglected thing that has been ignored for so many months).
If it's too stupid just ignore it. One of the character's names is just a placeholder. See if you can guess which one. :~)
EXT. FOREST HIGHWAY DAY
Huge trees, red and yellow in autumn colors, line a two-lane highway and form a canopy over it. Shafts of sunlight reflect on leaves that are caught up in swirls as they fall to the ground.
As a MAN, in a dark cloak and hood, appears at the edge of the road all motion stops. The leaves are frozen in midair.
The Man walks slowly across the road, weaving through the suspended leaves without touching them.
As he disappears into the shadows on the other side, movement resumes and the leaves continue their fall to the highway.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM DAY
Bored STUDENTS are sitting at their desks listening to MRS. DRONER, hair in a bun, 50s, talk at the chalkboard while pointing to indecipherable scribbling.
JENNY THOMAS, pretty, slight build, is sitting at her desk smiling while looking out the window.
MRS. DRONER (O.S.)
Jenny?
Jenny mouths words to a song.
MRS. DRONER (O.S.)
Jenny!
She jerks to attention.
JENNY
Yes, Mrs. Droner.
MRS. DRONER
Care to share with the class?
JENNY
Pardon me, Ma'am?
Mrs. Droner forces a smile. Her words are clipped.
MRS. DRONER
Your daydream, Miss Thomas. Please
share it with the class.
JENNY
But I wasn't daydreaming, Mrs. Droner.
MRS. DRONER
(arching her eyebrows)
Oh?
A few snickers in the classroom.
Jenny sits up straighter but avoids eye contact with Mrs. Droner.
She whispers to herself.
JENNY
Red.
Mrs. Droner moves through the desks toward Jenny.
MRS. DRONER
Stand up.
JENNY
I'm sorry, Ma'am, I don't
MRS. DRONER
Stand!
Jenny jumps up, knocking her notebook to the floor. She leans to pick it up.
MRS. DRONER
Leave it.
Jenny stares at the floor.
JENNY
Yes, Ma'am.
MRS. DRONER
I asked you to share with the class.
JENNY
I know, Mrs. Droner, but I wasn't
daydreaming.
MRS. DRONER
Look me in the eyes when you're
speaking to me, Miss Thomas.
Jenny shifts on her feet.
JENNY
I can't, Mrs. Drone, you're too red.
Laughter in the class.
Mrs. Droner grabs Jenny by the shoulders jerks her close.
MRS. DRONER
Look at me!
Jenny turns her head toward Mrs. Droner but shields her eyes with her hand.
JENNY
Too red. Too bright. Please.
Mrs. Droner drops her hands, turns on her heels and clenches her fists.
Her voice is quiet and barely controlled when she speaks.
MRS. DRONER
Please tell the class what was more
important to you than Sherman's attack
on Atlanta.
Jenny motions toward the window.
JENNY
Just watching the leaves dance, Mrs.
Droner. They're such a pretty blue
and their song
MRS. DRONER
The leaves are NOT blue and they
DON'T dance, Miss Thomas.
JENNY
I didn't mean their color, Mrs.
Droner, I meant
MRS. DRONER
SHUT UP!
She turns back toward Jenny who shields her eyes again.
MRS. DRONER
Leave. Report to detention, go to
the nurse. Go home. Go anywhere,
but get the HELL out of my class.
Jenny picks up her notebook.
JENNY
I'll pay attention, Mrs. Droner
MRS. DRONER
GO!
Jenny beelines for the door.
VOICE (O.S.)
Freak.
RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"
If it's too stupid just ignore it. One of the character's names is just a placeholder. See if you can guess which one. :~)
EXT. FOREST HIGHWAY DAY
Huge trees, red and yellow in autumn colors, line a two-lane highway and form a canopy over it. Shafts of sunlight reflect on leaves that are caught up in swirls as they fall to the ground.
As a MAN, in a dark cloak and hood, appears at the edge of the road all motion stops. The leaves are frozen in midair.
The Man walks slowly across the road, weaving through the suspended leaves without touching them.
As he disappears into the shadows on the other side, movement resumes and the leaves continue their fall to the highway.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM DAY
Bored STUDENTS are sitting at their desks listening to MRS. DRONER, hair in a bun, 50s, talk at the chalkboard while pointing to indecipherable scribbling.
JENNY THOMAS, pretty, slight build, is sitting at her desk smiling while looking out the window.
MRS. DRONER (O.S.)
Jenny?
Jenny mouths words to a song.
MRS. DRONER (O.S.)
Jenny!
She jerks to attention.
JENNY
Yes, Mrs. Droner.
MRS. DRONER
Care to share with the class?
JENNY
Pardon me, Ma'am?
Mrs. Droner forces a smile. Her words are clipped.
MRS. DRONER
Your daydream, Miss Thomas. Please
share it with the class.
JENNY
But I wasn't daydreaming, Mrs. Droner.
MRS. DRONER
(arching her eyebrows)
Oh?
A few snickers in the classroom.
Jenny sits up straighter but avoids eye contact with Mrs. Droner.
She whispers to herself.
JENNY
Red.
Mrs. Droner moves through the desks toward Jenny.
MRS. DRONER
Stand up.
JENNY
I'm sorry, Ma'am, I don't
MRS. DRONER
Stand!
Jenny jumps up, knocking her notebook to the floor. She leans to pick it up.
MRS. DRONER
Leave it.
Jenny stares at the floor.
JENNY
Yes, Ma'am.
MRS. DRONER
I asked you to share with the class.
JENNY
I know, Mrs. Droner, but I wasn't
daydreaming.
MRS. DRONER
Look me in the eyes when you're
speaking to me, Miss Thomas.
Jenny shifts on her feet.
JENNY
I can't, Mrs. Drone, you're too red.
Laughter in the class.
Mrs. Droner grabs Jenny by the shoulders jerks her close.
MRS. DRONER
Look at me!
Jenny turns her head toward Mrs. Droner but shields her eyes with her hand.
JENNY
Too red. Too bright. Please.
Mrs. Droner drops her hands, turns on her heels and clenches her fists.
Her voice is quiet and barely controlled when she speaks.
MRS. DRONER
Please tell the class what was more
important to you than Sherman's attack
on Atlanta.
Jenny motions toward the window.
JENNY
Just watching the leaves dance, Mrs.
Droner. They're such a pretty blue
and their song
MRS. DRONER
The leaves are NOT blue and they
DON'T dance, Miss Thomas.
JENNY
I didn't mean their color, Mrs.
Droner, I meant
MRS. DRONER
SHUT UP!
She turns back toward Jenny who shields her eyes again.
MRS. DRONER
Leave. Report to detention, go to
the nurse. Go home. Go anywhere,
but get the HELL out of my class.
Jenny picks up her notebook.
JENNY
I'll pay attention, Mrs. Droner
MRS. DRONER
GO!
Jenny beelines for the door.
VOICE (O.S.)
Freak.
RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"
Top answer
Does this take place in the south? I think "ma'am" is a southern thing. " I doubt if most kids in regular school would "ma'am" a teacher these days unless they're in the south or in small towns.
- Does this take place in the south?
- I think "ma'am" is a southern thing.
- " I doubt if most kids in regular school would "ma'am" a teacher these days unless they're in the south or in small towns.
- Lois
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7 Answers
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Does this take place in the south? I think "ma'am" is a southern thing. I didn't grow up calling authority figures "ma'am" and "sir." I doubt if most kids in regular school would "ma'am" a teacher these days unless they're in the south or in small towns.
Lois
Lois
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[nq:1]Does this take place in the south? I think "ma'am" is a southern thing. I didn't grow up calling authority ... kids in regular school would "ma'am" a teacher these days unless they're in the south or in small towns.[/nq]
I don't know about the "South." I know that I've always used "sir" and "ma'am" when speaking to those whom I've dealt with. I still do even when I'm dealing with some ki
I don't know about the "South." I know that I've always used "sir" and "ma'am" when speaking to those whom I've dealt with. I still do even when I'm dealing with some ki
00
Good stuff, RonB!
I'd trim the number of exchanges Mrs. Droner & Jenny have. I'd cut everything from "She whispers to herself" to "Jenny stares at the floor" (maybe pulling out Mrs. Droner moving close to jenny and keeping that). I don't think you need to set up Jenny saying "you're too red," it's cool.
I also assume the mysterious MAN will show up again before too long. If so, no wor
I'd trim the number of exchanges Mrs. Droner & Jenny have. I'd cut everything from "She whispers to herself" to "Jenny stares at the floor" (maybe pulling out Mrs. Droner moving close to jenny and keeping that). I don't think you need to set up Jenny saying "you're too red," it's cool.
I also assume the mysterious MAN will show up again before too long. If so, no wor
00
[nq:1]Good stuff, RonB![/nq]
Thanks but there's not much to it.
[nq:1]I'd trim the number of exchanges Mrs. Droner & Jenny have. I'd cut everything from "She whispers to herself" to ... to jenny and keeping that). I don't think you need to set up Jenny saying "you're too red," it's cool.[/nq]
I tend to have too much conversation almost idiot dialogue at times.
[nq:1]I also assume t
Thanks but there's not much to it.
[nq:1]I'd trim the number of exchanges Mrs. Droner & Jenny have. I'd cut everything from "She whispers to herself" to ... to jenny and keeping that). I don't think you need to set up Jenny saying "you're too red," it's cool.[/nq]
I tend to have too much conversation almost idiot dialogue at times.
[nq:1]I also assume t
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[nq:1]Thought I'd spend couple hours actually practicing screenwriting this VOICE (O.S.) Freak.[/nq]
Except for a missing plot element (giant mechanical spider) it grabbed me. Shouldn't Jenny be mouthing something more ominous than a song though?
-sam
Except for a missing plot element (giant mechanical spider) it grabbed me. Shouldn't Jenny be mouthing something more ominous than a song though?
-sam
00
[nq:1]Except for a missing plot element (giant mechanical spider) it grabbed me. Shouldn't Jenny be mouthing something more ominous than a song though?[/nq]
****! I knew I forgot something. (Look closer, under that giant pile of leaves is that a metallic glint?)
The song thing didn't come across quite right. I should have fixed it before posting.
RonB
"There's a story there...
****! I knew I forgot something. (Look closer, under that giant pile of leaves is that a metallic glint?)
The song thing didn't come across quite right. I should have fixed it before posting.
RonB
"There's a story there...
00
[nq:1]If it's too stupid just ignore it. One of the character's names is just a placeholder. See if you can guess which one. :~)[/nq]
Yeah, the "placeholder" name was kind of obvious.
Jenny geeze.
Paulo Joe Jingy
Sometimes some things just ain't right.
www.PauloJoeJingyIsWithoutADoubtTheOneAndOnlyDivineScreenwritingGod.com
Yeah, the "placeholder" name was kind of obvious.
Jenny geeze.
Paulo Joe Jingy
Sometimes some things just ain't right.
www.PauloJoeJingyIsWithoutADoubtTheOneAndOnlyDivineScreenwritingGod.com
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