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Fair Lady Posted 21 years ago

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0 Please check the choice of words, guys. 02br
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00It’s the animal part of me 02br
00That’s so cruelly tempted 02br
00By you, 02br
00It’s tempestuous bits of me 02br
00That you easily take and 02br
00Subdue. 02br
00It’s the secret passion in me 02br
00In delightfully hot 02br
00Pursue 02br
00After something I want for me - 02br
00That’s the animal part 02br
00Of you. 02br
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00PS I am not sure about the collocation "delightfully hot pursue" - does it sound ok? 0-
  

Top answer

0No, 'pursue' is wrong; it should obviously be 'pursuit', but you have dumped that for the rhyme and no other reason. You are sacrificing meaning and poetic impact for cheap rhythm and rhyme-- and you're failing in the rhythm anyway. The poet does not force words into form-- s/he finds the fitting ones.

— Mister Micawber

  • 0No, 'pursue' is wrong; it should obviously be 'pursuit', but you have dumped that for the rhyme and no other reason.
  • You are sacrificing meaning and poetic impact for cheap rhythm and rhyme-- and you're failing in the rhythm anyway.
  • The poet does not force words into form-- s/he finds the fitting ones.
  • The torture you are putting these words through is obvious from the fact that you felt you had to isolate the rhymes on separate lines: by you / subdue / pursue / of you.
  • Ugh.
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8 Answers
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0No, 'pursue' is wrong; it should obviously be 'pursuit', but you have dumped that for the rhyme and no other reason. You are sacrificing meaning and poetic impact for cheap rhythm and rhyme-- and you're failing in the rhythm anyway. The poet does not force words into form-- s/he finds the fitting ones. The torture you are putting these words through is obvious from the fact that you felt you
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0A really slashing criticism, Mister Micawber05002br
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00Actually as I expected, I had felt it was not good. Thanks for the guidelines, I'll try to follow them when making other attempts (do you think it is worth trying at all ?). May be it would have been valuable if you'd reviewed my other poems, and commented upon them . Yes, it is really difficult for me to choose w
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0It's up to you to decide if it's worth trying-- if it is, you're a poet; if it isn't, you're not. 02br
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00In this case, I agree that a new version is called for-- but I think it's certainly a good idea worth playing with some more-- by no means, however, can you 'leave it alone until I acquire the sufficient skills' because the only way you'll develop those skills is by
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0 Thanks for the link, Mister Micawber. 02br
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00Speaking about "leaving it alone" I meant the idea of this poem, not (poetry) writing in general. I try hard to put my ideas into words, and I personally think it's worth doing, to master the art of expressing thoughts in a foreign language in a variety of creative ways. 02br
00Anyway I used to manage the rhym
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0 I hope you don't mind if I join in your discussion. 02br
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00When I first read your poem, FL, I had the sense that these were intended as the words to a song. Something in the style of 'I get a kick from champagne', or 'I've got you under my skin'; though with slightly different content, of course. 02br
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00Did you model it on anything in particula
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0No, I didn't intend to produce a song at all!05002br
00But it's not a bad idea05100 Music can make solving the problem of forcing words into the form easier. The more is the pity I don't have anybody in view to help me in it.02br
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00But speaking seriously, if it sounds rubbish without music, neither music can make it sound better05200 Just
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0 I'm very sorry to say that criticism should be subtle and encouraging to upcoming poets, but mister micawbar sure doesn't seem to know that. 02br
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00I personally think that your poem is good Fair lady... especially the idea behind those words... Keep going... 0-
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0 Thanks Anita, I deeply appreciate your support ! 02br
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00Well, I'd say slicing and marinading can be encouraging too05000 I will try to express this idea in some other form, because honestly, I don't consider it a suc?ess either05100 At least it can suit for a song052010id511id112id1
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