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Mr. Tom Posted 15 years ago
Grammar

Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance

Hi

Could you please tell me if the following lines (as the start of a short story) read naturally? Any suggestions are welcome.

Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance. When he woke up to the cacophony of his alarm clock, his head was stone heavy though he had gone to bed earlier and (apparently?) had had a good night’s sleep. Few minutes later, the power failed suddenly, making it impossible to prepare his inviolable coffee. Frustrated, he entered the washroom and slipped on the white soap bar which somehow had fallen off the washbasin. The thigh muscle pull was egregious -- Nisab leaned against the tub in agony, which turned into soreness some 15 minutes later.

Thanks a lot for your time,

Tom
  

Top answer

I have underlined some areas that bother me for some reason (and struck out some unnecessary words): Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance. ) had had a good night’s sleep. Few minutes later, the power failed suddenly , making it impossible to prepare his inviolable coffee.

— Mister Micawber

  • I have underlined some areas that bother me for some reason (and struck out some unnecessary words): Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance.
  • ) had had a good night’s sleep.
  • Few minutes later, the power failed suddenly , making it impossible to prepare his inviolable coffee.
  • Frustrated, he entered the washroom and slipped on the white soap bar which somehow had fallen off the washbasin.
  • The thigh muscle pull was egregious ( !
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6 Answers
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I have underlined some areas that bother me for some reason (and struck out some unnecessary words):

Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance. When he woke up to the cacophony of his alarm clock, his head was stone heavy though he had gone to bed earlier and (apparently?) had had a good night’s sleep. Few minutes later,
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To be brutally honest, the passage reads like an amateur writer who's overreaching. In particular, you've got a habit of using overly strong adjectives, like inviolable and egregious, to describe basically mundane occurrences.

You've also fallen into a trap which is hard to avoid for even experienced writers - you're telling, not showing. How do we know Nisab was frustrated? Does he curs
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Thanks for your take, CSnyder.

Does it sound better to you, MM? Please underline the parts again that you still don't like.

Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance. When he woke up to the raucous sound of his alarm clock, his head was spiltting though he had gone to bed earlier and had a good night’s sleep. A few minutes later, the po
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Yes, CSnyders' advice to 'show, not tell' is another key foundation of good writing, Tom.

Nisab had no idea that Friday morning was going to be a nuisance. When he woke up to the raucous sound (Try to find one word that includes the idea of 'sound' so that you can omit 'sound') of his alarm clock, his head was splitting, though he had gone to bed earlier and ha
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A lot of thanks for the guidelines, MM. I really appreciate your effort and time.

...but this time, the homework was a bit difficult for me. After you disapproved of "cacophony of the alarm clock" and "inviolable coffee" and the re-worded phrases in the second attempt, I took some time and went through a few dictionaries. Perhaps you find this OK? Please let me
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Sorry, I can always manage to whittle more!

When he woke up to the shrillness of his alarm clock, -- OK, that's better.

making it impossible to drink his cherished coffee.


Nisab stumbled back to his room and was lying down on his crummy sofa when the phone rang. Fearing who the caller was and forgetting his pain, he blundered
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