New screenplay! critiques welcome!

Question

Oh man, this long fiction MFA has been a big fat monkey on my back for so long, I've had time for nothing but revisions and critiques of screenplays for ages and gosh golly ages.
Finally, some new pages! Critique most welcome, and I promise not to argue. I have good critique habits

It's my first attempt at comedy, I know I've got lots to learn!!

http://idisk.mac.com/myriadpubs/Public/mystidoll.pdf

synopsis at the end, nonstandard page numbers. I just put it all in one doc for convenience. story very new, synopsis pretty squishy.

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[nq:1]Oh man, this long fiction MFA has been a big fat monkey on my back for so long, I've had ... end, nonstandard page numbers. I just put it all in one doc for convenience. story very new, synopsis pretty squishy.[/nq]
P.S. if you see a username/password dialog, just close it, and the document should display anyway. Not sure why that dialog shows up sometimes.

Mysti

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[nq:1]Oh man, this long fiction MFA has been a big fat monkey on my back for so long, I've had ... argue. I have good critique habits

It's my first attempt at comedy, I know I've got lots to learn!![/nq]
Your first location slug is confusing and your first paragraph is convoluted and hard to read.
Break it down. Simplify it. Short declarative sentences. Tell me what I see when I look at the screen.

"I write with one hand, but I fight with both."
Victor Hugo

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Hi Mysti,
New to this group. I've enjoyed your posts, though - you seem smart and knowledgable, so I thought I'd give you my thoughts on your draft. Just thoughts as and when they occur:
I think you need to cut the analogies: "Her smile is brittle and false as a Denny's waitress pulling a double." and "...hisses louder than the WHITE SNAKE SONG"
Never a good idea to have characters talking to themselves. Instead of having Donnie muttering to himself about selling the doll, maybe you could have him looking to the migrants peering thru the window, then yelling his dialogue at them, causing them to scamper away. This would add a little menace to Donnie - he's in her apartment and he don't care who sees him, or who hears him.
Dialogue needs trimming - eg: Amber opens the envelope, says to herself "Oh no, it's not refundable", then tells the clerks behind the counter the same thing. Again, I'd cut Amber's dialogue to herself.

The near-attack in the parking lot is confusing. It's kinda tough to follow what's going on.
There's a major problem with the exchange between Amber and Maverick at the airport you're giving us lots of backstory and exposition about her relationship with her mom and the dolls without having built up any interest in the reader's mind first. See, at this point, all we know is she thought her mom was gonna send her some money. We don't really get a sense of any tension or any kind of rift between them - but already we're being told what Amber's beef is with her mother. I think you need to hold this info back, make the reader beg to know what the deal is between them.
Also the whole thing about the dolls could be made really intriguing if we only get snippets of info why does the doll in Amber's apartment look like her, who is the German guy and why is he following her around? Who is Dottie Rowan and what she to Amber? And so on...

Donnie would be far more menacing if a lot of his threats to batter Amber were cut. If someone keeps threatening to beat someone up, and doesn't do it, just talks about it some more, all menace is gone. That said, I really liked the line about beating her up in the hospital car lot - maybe that could be his one overt threat.
Reading the synopsis, and judging by the first 11 pages, I don't see where the comedy is gonna come in here. Amber is a real ***, her ma's zonked to oblivion... This ain't gonna be a Neil Simon one-liner fest, and the plot ain't convulted enough to be a farce like in "What's Up Doc?"
Also, and I accept this is purely my personal taste, but the central conceit of an embittered, streetwise lapdancer getting thrown into the world of dollmaking just feels far too contrived, like you were trying to come up with the two most disparate worlds you could think of, and then throwing them together. I know, having read your note at the bottom of your synopsis, this isn't the case - but that's still how it reads.
I think you could have a problem in that, Amber is defined solely by her anger at her mom. Within the first couple of pages, all we know about her is she owes money (incidental situation, not a character trait), she's a dancer (ditto) she's *** off with her mom, and she's a pretty unpleasant person. Then we see her ma, and... well, she seems a little batty, but not an ogre. So straight away, there's a danger we're gonna root for the antagonist (for I assume that's what the ma is gonna be, albeit a passive one) over the protagonist.

Speaking of antagonists, I don't see where the conflict is gonna come from. With a plot like you've devised, the conflict can't be purely internal (Amber struggling to come to terms with herself and her relationship with her mom) coz its all incident-based. Cause-and-effect. So you're gonna need a personification of antagonism. And a Prozac'd old dear isn't strong enough. Maybe you could think of making her sister the antag.
I dunno if you use (or even believe in using) the three-act structure, but either way, I'm guessing you'd wanna a beginning, a middle, and an end. So okay, looking at the synopsis, I'm trying to pinpoint the Act 1 break, and I guess it's the point where Amber decides to try to ruin her mom. The problem then, though, is that Act
2 boils down to: Amber shags Gunther and dress up a doll. That ain'tgonna last 50-60 pages (unless Amber's a fantastic lay...)

And the ending kinda concerns me too. Amber only face up to responsibility when the *** hits the fan aimed at her. When one's cornered with no way out, and the only alternative is to face up, it doesn't show that she's grown or matured. However, if the proverbial were to be aimed at someone else (maybe her mother, but also maybe her sister who she hates, even poor old Gunther), and she then chooses to take the blame even though she doesn't have too... that would show maturity. Responsibility. Someone willing to take accountability for their actions.
Oh, and one more thing. Please, please, please - don't have the screenplay indicate that Amber suddenly discovers new, previously untapped talents, which had been "long buried in a childhood attempt to thwart her mom." Motivations always make me cringe. Human beings are far too complex to ever be able to pin any one action on to any one reason. And if real people are too complex for that, your characters should be, too.
That's the critical stuff, but I also need to point out the good stuff. For the most part, your draft was good - especially your characterizations. After only 10 or so pages of a rough draft I could already remove the characters names from the screenplay and tell who was speaking. You have a wonderful sense of the subtle nuances and cadences in dialogue that distinguish one person from another. The characters feel defined. I just think you need to have a little more faith in the reader's patience, which I guess means having a little more faith in your ability to engage and keep someone interested in your s.p.
Hope the above helps. I hope I haven't been (or comes across as) too critical, and that my comments are taken as they're intended - only to be of assistance.
A

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[nq:1]Hi Mysti,thanks for the comments, I appreciate the time and effort you put into reading my draft![/nq]
One question for clarification did you think the White Snake Song was a metaphor? I meant literally that Tiff's voice is heard over the her song intro (there's this one White Snake sound lots of the girls use, or used to use), sounds like that wasn't clear at all.
Again, many thanks! I have to think about the recovered art ability (it's true, but of course that's never an excuse for lack of believability in fiction!).
Cheers, and let me know if I can ever return the favor of a critique.

Mysti
FYI, I am shooting for/do believe in 3 act structure unless there's a good reason to use something else. This story is still super mushy.

P.P.S. I was just watching Sweet Charity last night, and noticing how HARD the narrative (and the actress) worked to make Charity likable. While I don't think we have to do as much of that today, it's clear I've got some work to do in that area, as well as the expository Maverick scene

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[nq:2]Hi Mysti,[/nq]
[nq:1]thanks for the comments, I appreciate the time and effort you put into reading my draft! One question for clarification did ... today, it's clear I've got some work to do in that area, as well as the expository Maverick scene

[/nq]
FWIW I think Apollyon was right on the money in his (?) coverage.

Someone who knows what he (?) is talking about hope you stick around.

"I write with one hand, but I fight with both."
Victor Hugo

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...
[nq:1]Your first location slug is confusing and your first paragraph is convoluted and hard to read. Break it down. Simplify it. Short declarative sentences. Tell me what I see when I look at the screen.[/nq]
I'm so addle-pated I thought you were teasing me about my email. Now I realize you are serious and mean the script, thank you very much for comments! Gotta put the fiction writer back in her corner for a while

I too hope Apollyon sticks around!!
Mysti

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[nq:1]Mysti[/nq]
Mysti -
I'm going to get to this later this weekend if I can, although I suddenly find myself prepping a pitch which is going to gobble most of my time.
I'm looking forward to reading it.
-Ron

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[nq:1]Finally, some new pages! Critique most welcome, and I promise not to argue. I have good critique habits

[/nq]
I agree with Suzy. It kept my attention. You're a good writer. And setting your story against the backdrop of the doll-collecting cult is a unique and interesting choice.
However ...
It feels like you're pandering to the lowest common denominator. Amber is a stripper? Please, oh please, oh please! Can I read one script where the women aren't strippers or prostitutes?
Please?
Amazingly, the world now has women prime ministers, soldiers and scientists. Nine female CEOs at the head of Fortune 500 companies. Women are actually doing more important things than flashing their vaginas. Yet Hollywood is stuck in some weird twilight zone of pre-adolescent male *** fantasies. Women in film are hardly anthing more than vaginas and silicon implants.
Why don't you set up the antagonism with mom in a different way? How about this: the mom always wanted Amber to be the ultra-feminine little dress-up doll. Amber instead became a (pick one) Teamster, competitive weight lifter, football player, fire fighter, construction worker. Her boyfriend is a (pick one) ballet dancer, manicurist, nanny, breast cancer survivor.
Hilarity ensues.
This would be a much better film, in terms of saying something relevant to a wider audience. And it's something that hasn't been done to death.
Thanks for being brave and asking for criticism. I can return the favor if you like.
Lois

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[nq:1]It feels like you're pandering to the lowest common denominator. Amber is a stripper? Please, oh please, oh please! Can ... female CEOs at the head of Fortune 500 companies. Women are actually doing more important things than flashing their vaginas.[/nq]
While this is absolutely true, and there are a lot of movies that could be/have been made about women who do these things... a lot of women are strippers and prostitutes as well. And one doesn't have to be "reducing" women to portray them as such (especially if she's examining what led her to that life).
[nq:1]Yet Hollywood is stuck in some weird twilight zone of pre-adolescent male *** fantasies. Women in film are hardly anthing more than vaginas and silicon implants.[/nq]
It's a common human tendency to see a pattern where none exists. Here's the Netflix Top 100:
http://www.netflix.com/Top100?lnkctr=mhT100
Out of those 100, how many portray women as strippers and/or prostitutes. How many portray women as nothing more than "vaginas and silicon implants"? What's the percentage?
I don't mean to be contentious. I just don't see the phenomenon you're referring to. Not that it hasn't been the case in the past - and not that it doesn't still crop up from time to time - but I hardly see it with any regularity. Maybe you're reading different scripts/watching different movies than I am.
In fact, I find that if you turn on the TV nowadays, typically you'll see a show in which the wife knows everything, and the husband is a complete moron who needs to be shown his place time and time again.
[nq:1]Thanks for being brave and asking for criticism. I can return the favor if you like.[/nq]
Speaking of which, if anyone's willing to read through a 103-page drama, I'd be more than happy to exchange critiques with anyone here. (Sorry for weaseling that in there.)

Stephen Mack
"Nobody's smart enough to be wrong all the time." -Ken Wilber

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@reader1.panix.com:
[nq:1]In fact, I find that if you turn on the TV nowadays, typically you'll see a show in which the wife knows everything, and the husband is a complete moron who needs to be shown his place time and time again.[/nq]
Isn't "Desperate Housewives" one of the top-rated shows on TV right now?
jaybee

New screenplay! critiques welcome!

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