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Fearing Labor

Childbirth is the most astonishing experience women can endure, and most are happy to subsist. Along with any pregnancy comes fear. Whether it is pain issues or problems that could develop, the fear is there and it is real.

On the night of October 28, 2003, I laid in bed wondering if I was going to make it through the next twenty-four hours. It also did not help that my mother flew into town and I wanted to stay up and drill her for information. Having to induce labor was a scary thing for me. What kind of pain would I go through? What problems will arise? I had so many questions to ask. I turned on a small fan, hoping the sound would calm me so I could sleep, but it did not work. I laid there in the dark for hours tossing and turning. I finally dozed off three hours before I had to get up. As the alarm clock rang, I was in a daze. You know, those three seconds of peace before reality hits you. Then it all came back to me. I would be delivering my baby today. I got out of bed, turned off my fan and waddled into the bathroom. As I showered, my mind raced with the same questions as the night before. I finished up in the bathroom as my husband loaded the car and off we went to the hospital.

It was dark when we arrived and the hospital was quiet. The nurses were very helpful when informing me on the events that were about to arise. I changed into the “designer” hospital attire and crawled into my appointed bed. My Doctor entered the room, described the induction and administered my Pitocin Drip, the drug used to induce labor. He explained to me that I should not to eat since it would upset my stomach, which did not seem to matter since I was already queasy from anxiety. As the hours crept by, I grew agitated. Nothing seemed to transpire and the Pitocin was not effective. By 7 pm, my Doctor appeared, disconnected the drip and informed me that we would try again in the morning. I was livid. I had just wasted a whole day with no results

They re-administered the Pitocin Drip first thing in the morning. This time was rather different. My contractions escalated and as they grew closer together, I felt as though I was exploding from the inside out. Eventually, the Anesthesiologist arrived to administer the epidural. A local anesthetic used in pain control. He brought out an enormous needle, and as I looked at it, a sense of fear rushed through me. It was not the needle I was afraid of, it was its assigned location. As it pierced my back and entered my spine, I experience a muscle spasm. I hoped it did not do any damage. Soon after, I had no feeling from my waist down. My Doctor reappeared, a short time later, to check my status, and then informed me that I was not dilating and the baby was wedged on my pelvis. At this point, I started to feel frightened. I knew this meant Cesarean Section. I never had surgery before. All my anxiety came rushing back as I thought about all the problems I could possibly face. The Doctor notified me of six other C-Sections he was to perform, so he scheduled me for 7 pm and disengaged the drip once again.

They transported me into the Surgery room at 7 pm and placed me on a gurney. While lying down, an excruciating pain shot through my back. I reported this to my doctor and he responded, “Relax and it will go away.” I thought to myself, Relax! How can I relax when you are planning a major operation on me that I have never had before? Relax, yeah right. I took a deep breath and repeated in my head, it is ok, and after a while, the pain subsided. The Doctor took off my gown and left me exposed for the whole team of doctors to observe. I was not very pleased being nude in front of twenty people. They placed a curtain near my chest so I could not witness the brutalization that I was about to endure. As the Doctor was about the begin the procedure, he asked me repeatedly, “Can you feel this?” and with each question, I responded, “No”, he then informed me “Ok, your cut open” This, in no way, put my mind at ease. In fact, it horrified me. As my husband came in the room, he noticed the look of sheer terror on my face and tried to reassure me that everything was all right. To me, at the time, nothing was all right. After a while, I started to relax. Realizing that I had to go through this come what may. Right after that moment, I heard the cry. The one I had waited nine months to hear. There was my baby, screaming but ok. They presented him to me for a few seconds and rushed him away to do the normal battery of tests. Everything was all right now. It was over.

That night as I laid in the recovery room I thought, how could anyone want to go through this? I felt like the whole day was a nightmare. They put me on the butcher’s assembly line. It was then my husband brought in the baby. As I held him in my arms, the past thirty-six hours seemed to vanish. His tiny eyes peering at me as though he thought his day had been worse. It might have been, but as I looked at what I created, I came to the realization that no amount of fear could ever surpass the miracle of life. Even after all the physical discomfort and mental angst, the overwhelming sense of love that fills you is worth it and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.