0
My soul_my eyes Posted 21 years ago

Never look back

0 These rhymes I have accepted 02br
00will fall on deaf ears, 02br
00These tears I have accepted 02br
00will fall unclear. 02br
00These words you speak 02br
00will always be pale in significance, 02br
00This unjustice you preach, 02br
00will never balance out to your standards. 02br
02br
00The missing puzzle of the piece, 02br
00I care for it no more- 02br
02br
00The yearning you leave, 02br
00I will swallow it and bleed- 02br
02br
00My heart will never skip a beat, 02br
00Eventhough my mask is slowly pealing- 02br
02br
00I'll let you see my world, from a distance 02br
00Admire me, but keep your distance 02br
00Cry for me, when you awaken 02br
00from this crazy dream that you've dragged me in 02br
00A stupid sharade 02br
00is all it is. 0-
  

Top answer

0'Charade' is spelt so. Instead of 'pealing', you mean 'peeling'. ' -- these lines are extremely casual.

— Mister Micawber

  • 0'Charade' is spelt so.
  • Instead of 'pealing', you mean 'peeling'.
  • ' -- these lines are extremely casual.
  • The two styles do not meld.
  • 02br 02br 02br 00You must avoid cliche, with which this piece abounds: 02br 02br 00'fall on deaf ears' 02br 00'My heart will never skip a beat' 02br 00'keep your distance' 02br 00'this crazy dream' -- these are all overused phrases.
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3 Answers
0
0'Charade' is spelt so. Instead of 'pealing', you mean 'peeling'. 02br
02br
02br
00You need to develop a greater awareness of register-- in this piece, they are mixed awkwardly: 02br
02br
00'This unjustice you preach, 02br
00will never balance out to your standards.' -- these lines are formal bordering on legalistic; 02br
02
0
0
0
0 Yes! It`s nice. It makes you feel. On the whole the idea of the poem is great. The implementation is not so good as it could be but it thrills! 0-
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