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Akki Posted 20 years ago
Grammar
Need your help...college packet review
Dear Readers,
I would really appriciate your efforts if you would read the following exerpt and correct my gramatical/sentence structure mistakes.
I intend on pursing a BS degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance. My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at Walgreens as the head cashier. Everyday, I used to separate cash, check, debit and credit transactions and used to submit a final balanced worksheet. I had grasped the fundamentals of money and was ready for something more challenging. Upon completion of my military financial management course, I was stationed at Travis Airbase where each team had their own responsibilities towards a collaborative mission. I have worked in many sections to include Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, Customer Relations, Military/Retiree Pay, and budget. As a certifying official, I was responsible for a monthly disbursement of over $3M in public funds. In addition, I was liable for cash collections that exceeded $600K/month.
I desire to study business administration/finance because my inner passion comes out in this field. I sense your program offers a rigorous and challenging experience, which polishes students with “ready for MBA” paint. I also believe that your curriculum will strength my critical thinking, management, and organizational skills, which are very important for a MBA, after my BA.
Thank You all soo much,
~God Bless!
I would really appriciate your efforts if you would read the following exerpt and correct my gramatical/sentence structure mistakes.
I intend on pursing a BS degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance. My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at Walgreens as the head cashier. Everyday, I used to separate cash, check, debit and credit transactions and used to submit a final balanced worksheet. I had grasped the fundamentals of money and was ready for something more challenging. Upon completion of my military financial management course, I was stationed at Travis Airbase where each team had their own responsibilities towards a collaborative mission. I have worked in many sections to include Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, Customer Relations, Military/Retiree Pay, and budget. As a certifying official, I was responsible for a monthly disbursement of over $3M in public funds. In addition, I was liable for cash collections that exceeded $600K/month.
I desire to study business administration/finance because my inner passion comes out in this field. I sense your program offers a rigorous and challenging experience, which polishes students with “ready for MBA” paint. I also believe that your curriculum will strength my critical thinking, management, and organizational skills, which are very important for a MBA, after my BA.
Thank You all soo much,
~God Bless!
Top answer
Hi Akki, I've treid to keep to your words, but I have made some changes, and I have re-organized this a bit. Good luck with it. Best wishes, Clive I intend on pursing a BS (BSc.
- Hi Akki, I've treid to keep to your words, but I have made some changes, and I have re-organized this a bit.
- Good luck with it.
- Best wishes, Clive I intend on pursing a BS (BSc.
- ) degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance.
- My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at a branch of Walgreens as the head cashier.
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21 Answers
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Hi Akki,
I've treid to keep to your words, but I have made some changes, and I have re-organized this a bit. Good luck with it.
Best wishes, Clive
I intend on pursing a BS (BSc. ?) degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance.
My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at a branch of Walgreens
I've treid to keep to your words, but I have made some changes, and I have re-organized this a bit. Good luck with it.
Best wishes, Clive
I intend on pursing a BS (BSc. ?) degree in the field of business administration, with emphasis in finance.
My interest in this field developed at the age of eighteen, when I started working at a branch of Walgreens
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Niceeeee....You are awesome. Will you mind reading the other part of this personal statement? I am soo appriciative of your generosity. You have no idea. I have mad respect for you!
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Hi,
Yes, I certainly think that the few people who respect me are probably mad.
Sure, go ahead and post your othe
Yes, I certainly think that the few people who respect me are probably mad.
Sure, go ahead and post your othe
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I have e-mailed it to you. I didn't feel comfortable enough to post it on here. Hope you get it!
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Hi Akki,
I'm happy to help you, but I prefer to do it via the public forum. That way, other people get a chance to learn by reading what is going on.
Is it possible for you to delete or change, a little, any parts that make you uncomfortable, and then post it here?
Best wishes, Clive
I'm happy to help you, but I prefer to do it via the public forum. That way, other people get a chance to learn by reading what is going on.
Is it possible for you to delete or change, a little, any parts that make you uncomfortable, and then post it here?
Best wishes, Clive
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Absolutely! Here it is. I havent changed anything at all.
I consider myself an extraordinary creature/character. I am an exceptionally well rounded, highly ambitious, extremely religious, and a cultured individual (icon) with a mind-blowing sense of humor. I further possess a rather intriguing personality with a subtle touch of mystery.
I consider myself an extraordinary creature/character. I am an exceptionally well rounded, highly ambitious, extremely religious, and a cultured individual (icon) with a mind-blowing sense of humor. I further possess a rather intriguing personality with a subtle touch of mystery.
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Hi,
I don't mean to offend you in anyway, but let me begin by asking you a couple of questions. Do you realize that what you have written is absolutely full of hyperbole, full of greatly exaggerated statements? Is that your intention, to approach the college authorities with what they would see as a humorous approach, although serious underneath, of this kind? I assume that you know clear
I don't mean to offend you in anyway, but let me begin by asking you a couple of questions. Do you realize that what you have written is absolutely full of hyperbole, full of greatly exaggerated statements? Is that your intention, to approach the college authorities with what they would see as a humorous approach, although serious underneath, of this kind? I assume that you know clear
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Exactly my impression, Clive.
Anyway, I would watch your corrections with interest. Not that I will refrain from trying to analyze it myself, but, you know, the feeling of language and all that...
Have fun,
Slava
Anyway, I would watch your corrections with interest. Not that I will refrain from trying to analyze it myself, but, you know, the feeling of language and all that...
Have fun,
Slava
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