need help writing a formal letter to my dean

Question

right now, my university has changed most of its policies, because of the change in staff. our attendance is recorded for each class, and before they changed their policies, our attendance had to be above 50%, but now, if our attendance is below 80% we will be barred - meaning we had to pay for all the subjects we took, but we still cant take the exams. they were strict on dress codes before, but not that strict. the rules were, you had to wear shoes and long pants, and if you do not wear shoes and long pants to class you will be summoned a small fee. thats all. but now, i cant even wear my nirvana tshirt because they said "rock is offensive". i know its cliche to talk about expressing our individuality by wearing tshirts and stuff, but i really cant stand wearing a shirt in Malaysia! its really hot here.the thing that really ticked me off was the fact that i wanted to drop a subject halfway through the semester, and they didnt let me. i was going to pay for the subject that i took, i just didnt want it to affect my CGPA. i wanna right a letter that i can forward to the news straits times in Malaysia cause my uncle works there. but as you can see my english is really bad...please help

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

OK. Try to write it, and we'll check it for you

Be careful to start each sentence with a capital letter, and to end each sentence with a period.

Also, try to organize your sentences into paragraphs.

Try not to include irrelevant information in your letter.

Clive

Sidnice420 · Answer

ok i have written the letter. but i still need help with correcting it so that it looks professional. i want to add another paragraph explaining that i have friends that support my cause and i have signatures below, can anyone help with that?
this is the unfinished letter:

12 Jalan Aman Putra 2/4,
Taman Aman Putra,
47130 Puchong,
Selangor.
8/11/2012
Dean of Faculty of Creative Multimedia
Multimedia University,
Jalan Multimedia,
63100 Cyberjaya,
Selangor.
Dear Sir,

I am a student enrolled in the faculty of creative multimedia, majoring in advertising design. I have acknowledged that there were modifications made to the rules and regulations in MMU. I did not receive a memo or any notification regarding this change. The only information I received about the change in rules, were from my friends and other students in my class.
Last week I was threatened by a security officer because I had a t-shirt on that said “Nirvana”. He warned me, that if I wore a t-shirt that had any band names on it, I will be fined rm50.00. This shocked me because I had worn that t-shirt since I started my foundation year in 2009. I understand that MMU is trying to hold its reputation as “Malaysia’s number one private university”, but as a private university that charges a sum close to rm5000.00 a semester, we should be able to express our creativity through what we wear to class. Being in the faculty of creative multimedia, our appearance signifies our own individuality.
In the good name of the university as one of the leading institutions in Malaysia, I am disappointed to say that I am not thoroughly understanding your method in maintaining this honorary status. With regards to my current situation in the online advertising class (MAD1013),I have requested that I withhold the completion of this paper for the next semester. This is so that I can ensure a grade that is sufficient for MMU to consistently maintain its good name. it is unfortunate to advise of this incapability of mine to organize my schedule efficiently this semester, and as I do not wish to disgrace the good name of this institution, I apologize profusely for the inconvenience caused. Please consider allowing me to retake this class in a future semester.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

You seem to be talking about two separate matters, ie the t-shirt problem and the problem with dropping a course. The result is that your letter is not clear.
I think you should just omit the t-shirt problem.

What the Dean wants to know is:
1. Why is this guy writing to me? ie What is the problem?
2. What are the relevant details of the problem?
3. What does he want me to do?
So, I suggest you rewrite this in 3 paragraphs like this.

Clive

Sidnice420 · Answer

but i really want to address both these points.

what if i change a few words...like this?

12 Jalan Aman Putra 2/4,
Taman Aman Putra,
47130 Puchong,
Selangor.
8/11/2012
Dean of Faculty of Creative Multimedia
Multimedia University,
Jalan Multimedia,
63100 Cyberjaya,
Selangor.
Dear Sir,

I am a student enrolled in the faculty of Creative Multimedia, majoring in Advertising Design. I have acknowledged that there were modifications made to the rules and regulations in MMU. I did not receive a memo or any notification regarding this change. The only information I received about the change in rules, were from my friends and other students in my class.
Last week I was threatened by a security officer because I had a t-shirt on that said “Nirvana”. He warned me, that if I wore a t-shirt that had any band names on it, I will be fined rm50.00. This shocked me because I had worn that t-shirt since I started my foundation year in 2009. I understand that MMU is trying to hold its reputation as “Malaysia’s number one private university”, but as a private university that charges a sum close to rm5000.00 a semester, we should be able to express our creativity through what we wear to class. Being in the faculty of creative multimedia, our appearance signifies our own individuality.
Another issue is wish to address is the matter of dropping subjects. In the good name of the university as one of the leading institutions in Malaysia, I am disappointed to say that I do not thoroughly understand your method in maintaining this honorary status. With regards to my current situation in the online advertising class (MAD1013),I have requested that I withhold the completion of this paper for the next semester. This is so that I can ensure a grade that is sufficient for MMU to consistently maintain its good name. I inquired about this issue with my lecturer and a few staff members, all giving me the same solution, telling me that I cannot drop and it is too far in the semester. I will still cover the fees of every subject I took, I just don’t want one of the subjects to affect my CGPA.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

What the Dean wants to know is:
1. Why is this guy writing to me? ie What is the problem?
2. What are the relevant details of the problem?
3. What does he want me to do?

I already gave you my suggestion about how to write and organize 3 paragraphs. Instead, you have written 3 very different paragraphs that do not seem organized to me. In addition, you talk about one issue, and then about a completely different issue.

How is the Dean supposed to see quickly why you are writing to him?

Where do you tell him what you want him to do? Or do you just want him to read this, and do nothing?

Clive

Sidnice420 · Answer

ok...sorry if my posts ticked you off....i didnt mean to...
how's this one?

12 Jalan Aman Putra 2/4,
Taman Aman Putra,
47130 Puchong,
Selangor.
8/11/2012
Dean of Faculty of Creative Multimedia
Multimedia University,
Jalan Multimedia,
63100 Cyberjaya,
Selangor.
Dear Sir,

I am a student enrolled in the faculty of Creative Multimedia, majoring in Advertising Design. With regards to my current situation in the online advertising class (MAD1013),I have requested that I withhold the completion of this paper for the next semester.

In the good name of the university as one of the leading institutions in Malaysia, I am disappointed to say that I do not thoroughly understand your method in maintaining this honorary status. I inquired about this said issue with my lecturer and a few staff members, all giving me the same solution, telling me that I cannot drop and it is too far in the semester. I will still cover the fees of every subject I took; I just don’t want one of the subjects to affect my CGPA.

It is unfortunate to advice of this incapability of mine to organize my schedule efficiently this semester, as I do not wish to disgrace the good name of this institution. I apologize profusely for the inconvenience caused. Please consider allowing me to retake this class in a near future.

Regards,

Clive · Answer

HI,

Much better!

I'm in a hurrry today, so here are a few very quick comments.

Put yout address in the right corner

add the date

12 Jalan Aman Putra 2/4,
Taman Aman Putra,
47130 Puchong,
Selangor.
8/11/2012
Dean of Faculty of Creative Multimedia
Multimedia University,
Jalan Multimedia,
63100 Cyberjaya,
Selangor.
spacev
Dear Sir, you don't want to use his name, eg Dear Dr Smith ?

I am a student enrolled in the faculty of Creative Multimedia, majoring in Advertising Design. With regard to my current situation in the online advertising class (MAD1013),I have requested that I withhold the completion of this why 'this'? paper until the next semester.
Or do you mean you ant to drop a course?

In the good name of the university as one of the leading institutions in Malaysia, I am disappointed to say that I do not thoroughly understand your method in maintaining this honorary status.<<< Say why you don't understand I inquired about this said issue with my lecturer and a few staff members, all giving me the same solution, telling me that I cannot drop drop what? as it is too far in the semester. I will still cover the fees of every subject I took; I just do not don’t want one of the subjects to affect my CGPA.

It is unfortunate to advice of this incapability of mine what incapability? to organize my schedule efficiently this semester, as I do not wish to disgrace the good name of this institution. I apologize profusely for the inconvenience caused. Please consider allowing me to retake this class in the near future. Say 'next term'.

Yours sincerely

Every time you say 'this', it meanshyou think he already knows what you are talking about.

Clive

Sidnice420 · Answer

12 Jalan Aman Putra 2/4,
Taman Aman Putra,
47130 Puchong,
Selangor.

8/11/2012

Dean of Faculty of Creative Multimedia
Multimedia University,
Jalan Multimedia,
63100 Cyberjaya,
Selangor.

Dear Mr Thwaites,

I am a student enrolled in the faculty of Creative Multimedia, majoring in Advertising Design. I am currently going through some personal problems that have affected my ability to perform in classes. I have requested to drop Online Advertising (MAD1013), because I do not think I can cope with the work given.

In the good name of the university as one of the leading institutions in Malaysia, I am disappointed to say that I do not thoroughly understand your method in maintaining this honorary status, because most of the lecturers and staff members seemed to have the same monotonous and unhelpful tones in their voices when I inquired about this said issue. All stating that it is too far in the semester for me to drop a class. I will still cover the fees of every subject I took; I just do not want one of the grades to affect my whole CGPA.

It is unfortunate to advice of this incapability of mine to organize my schedule efficiently this semester, as I do not wish to disgrace the good name of this institution. I apologize profusely for the inconvenience caused. Please consider allowing me to retake this class in the next semester it’s offered.

Yours Sincerely,

Sidnice420 · Answer

the address is on the right side...but it moves to the left when i post it

Clive · Answer

12 Jalan Aman Putra 2/4,
Taman Aman Putra,
47130 Puchong,
Selangor.

8/11/2012

Dean of Faculty of Creative Multimedia
Multimedia University,
Jalan Multimedia,
63100 Cyberjaya,
Selangor.

Dear Mr Thwaites, He's not Dr Thwaites ?

I am a student enrolled in the faculty of Creative Multimedia, majoring in Advertising Design. I am currently going through some personal problems that have affected my ability to perform in classes. I have requested to drop Online Advertising (MAD1013), because I do not think I can cope with the work given. Why are you telling him what you have requested? eg Was your request refused by someone?

In the good name of the university as one of the leading institutions in Malaysia, I am disappointed to say that I do not thoroughly understand your method in maintaining this honorary status Do you think that complaining about this will persuade him to help you? I don't. Just stick to facts. because most of the lecturers and staff members seemed to have the same monotonous and unhelpful tones in their voices when I inquired about this said issue. You are complaining about their tone of voice?

All stating that it is too far in the semester for me to drop a class. I will still cover the fees of every subject I took; I just do not want one of the grades to affect my whole CGPA.

It is unfortunate to advice of this incapability of mine to organize my schedule efficiently this semester, as I do not wish to disgrace the good name of this institution. Do you really think that this problem of yours will disgrace the entire university? I apologize profusely for the inconvenience caused. Please consider allowing me to retake this class in the next semester it’s offered.

Yours Sincerely,

Clive

need help writing a formal letter to my dean

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