Need help with my essay (first paragraph)

Question

I'm writhing a problem-solution essay and here is my introduction

Have you ever calculated how many hours per day do you spend sitting in the car? If you ask people who live in Bangkok, their answer is likely to be at least two or three hours a day. It is not because Bangkok is a huge city, the solely reason is the unbelievable traffic jams. Since Bangkok ranks among the top as one of the cities that has the worst traffic problems, it is not unusual to find yourself getting stuck in the car for hours during rush hour. As a result of the unreliability of the traffic, people usually have to spare at least twice the amount of actual time they need when they ought to travel to other places. Moreover facing heavy traffic everyday can have a great impact on your mood. For example, I often find myself becoming weary after a long journey to school and by the time I reach there I have no mood to study. To solve this problem, I think government should encourage people to use public transportation instead of private car by making the sky train more accessible and convenient to all passengers.

Can anybody check for me please? thank you =DD

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

What is the actual title or topic of this essay, please? Is it related exclusively to Bangkok? What is the specific problem you are considering?

I usually advise students to plan their whole essay before they start writing their introduction. In other words, they should decide on their main view (ie their thesis, or in your case the main solution to the problem), and identify the main points they will discuss in later paragraphs that support their solution.

This means your introduction should

- introduce the problem by saying something interesting about it

- state your overall solution

- introduce briefly the main points you will make in the body of your essay, to show that your solution is the best one.

Have you done these things?

Clive

Sillybunnybaby · Answer

Hello thank you for the answer

Actually the topic is about traffic in Bangkok and my solution is to make sky train more accessible

I have roughly plan that the essey will be consisted of 5 paragraphs which are

- introduction : introduce the problem and solution

- solution how to make it more accessible

-details about the solution why not so many people use sky train in the past

-details about the solution why sky train is a better way to commute

- conclusion

Do you think it's ok this way?

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Well, OK, if that's the approavch you like. If you want to, you might cosider other possible solutions, and say why they are not the best. eg Improve the roadss, widen them, etc., encourage car-pooling, introduce toll charges for using the roads.

Now I'll have a quick look at your English.

Have you ever calculated how many hours per day do you spend sitting in the car? If you ask people who live in Bangkok, their answer is likely to be at least two or three hours a day. It is not because Bangkok is a huge city. The solely reason is the unbelievable traffic jams. Since Bangkok ranks as one of the cities that have the worst traffic problems, it is not unusual to find yourself getting stuck in the car for hours during rush hour.<<< You alaready mentioned that it takes hours. As a result of the unreliability <<< choose another word, say it another way of the traffic, people usually have to spend at least twice the amount of time they should, when they travel to other places. Moreover, facing heavy traffic everyday can have a great impact on your mood. For example, I often find myself becoming weary after a long to school and by the time I arrive I am in no mood to study. To solve this problem, I think the government should encourage people to use public transportation instead of private cars by making the sky train more accessible and convenient to all passengers

Clive

Need help with my essay (first paragraph)

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