Need help with motivation letter

Question

Dear all,I am writing motivation letter for MA in UK. I would appreciate if someone can comment on my English as well as on the structure of motivation letter. Thank you in advance!I  appreciate this opportunity to provide further information in support of my  application for Master in Tourism Management at the University of Westminster. I  completed bachelor‘s degree in Comparitive Asian Studies (Japanese major) from X University in 2010. I have studied various aspects of Asian culture,  including Japanese and Chinese languages, history, philosophy, religion and  music. Also I recieved a scholarship to study for half of the year in Tsukuba  University, Japan. There I improved my knowledge in Japanese language as well  as in various cross-cultural issues. I was awarded high grades in all of my  courses and recieved a highest grade for my bachelor thesis called  „X“. I am currently working  as a teacher assistant in X School. Moreover, I am teaching  Japanese language for beginners at X University.I  decided to pursue my studies in tourism management due to my interest in  different cultures and tourism sector. Taking into consideration that numbers  of tourists from Asia in Europe are constantly growing, it is important to have  knowledge of cross-cultural understanding. Therefore, I believe that the  linguistic and educational profile that I acquired will be an important asset  for my realization in the field of tourism management. I wish to develop knowledge  and skills in tourism management so I could work in this sector. Thus it is my  strong belief that a degree from University of Westminster can help me to achieve  my goal of becoming an expert in the field of tourism.Thank you so much for your  consideration and I am looking forward to your reply.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi remig;
Welcome to the Forums!
I have made some suggestions for your letter. These "motivation letters" are a very important component of an application. A good motivation letter should add information about you as a person that is not on the formal application forms. If you just repeat this information in your letter, you are wasting the reader's time.

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I appreciate this opportunity to provide further information in support of my application for Master in Tourism Management at the University of Westminster. (This is not really a motivational statement. You should open with your primary motivation for attending the school. )
I completed a bachelor‘s degree in Comparitive Asian Studies (Japanese major) from X University in 2010. I have studied various aspects of Asian culture, including Japanese and Chinese languages, history, philosophy, religion and music. Also I recieved a scholarship to study for half of the year in Tsukuba University, Japan. There I improved my knowledge of the in Japanese language as well as in various cross-cultural issues. I was awarded high grades in all of my courses and recieved the highest grade for my bachelor thesis, (title of thesis here) ~~called~~
„X“.

I am currently working as a teacher's (or teaching) assistant in X School. Moreover, I am teaching Japanese language for beginners at X University.
I decided to pursue my studies in tourism management due to my interest in different cultures and the tourism sector. Taking into consideration that numbers of tourists from Asia in Europe are constantly growing, (dangling modifier) it is important to have
~~knowledge of~~ cross-cultural experiences ~~understanding~~. Therefore, I believe that the linguistic and educational profile that I acquired will be an important asset for a successful career ~~my realization~~ in the field of tourism management.
I wish to develop knowledge and skills in tourism management so I could work in this sector. Thus it is my strong belief( on what do you base this belief?) that a degree from University of Westminster can help me to achieve my goal of becoming an expert in the field of tourism.
Thank you so much for your consideration and I am looking forward to your reply.

Remig · Answer

Thank you for the reply! I don't feel confident as it is my first time to write such kind of letter. This is my revised version. Should I write about my hobbies or my personality? I am not sure if it's important. I would appreciate any comments.

I wish to apply to the Masters of Tourism Management at University of Westminster for the 2011 autumn term. I wish to develop knowledge and skills in tourism management so I could work in this sector. I believe that a degree from University of Westminster can help me to achieve my goal of becoming an expert in the field of tourism. I selected this program because of its excellent research opportunities. Also it is a great opportunity for me to improve my present Japanese language skills as there is an addition Japanese course in the program.

I completed a bachelor‘s degree in Comparative Asian Studies (Japanese major) from X University in 2010. I have studied various aspects of Asian culture, including Japanese and Chinese languages, history, philosophy, religion and music. I was awarded high grades in all of my courses and received the highest grade for my bachelor thesis „X“. I am currently working as a teacher’s assistant in X School. Moreover, I am teaching Japanese language for beginners at X University.

Furthermore, I received JASSO scholarship to study for half of the year in Tsukuba University, Japan. I am happy to be the first person from X University to get this scholarship, which provided me an opportunity to improve my knowledge of the Japanese language as well as various cross-cultural issues. Actually, travelling in Japan had a great impact on my decision to pursue my studies in the field of tourism. In comparison with my homeland Lithuania, tourism in Japan is not only remarkably organized, but also historical sites and cultural resources are finely preserved and are available to the tourists. Unfortunately, tourism in Lithuania face a lot of problems such as dissolution of cultural heritage, lack of advertisement of tourism and others.

So I decided to pursue my studies in tourism management due to my interest in different cultures and the tourism sector. Moreover, I believe I can contribute to the improvement of the tourism sector in Lithuania.

In my opinion it is important to have cross-cultural experiences due to the fact that numbers of tourists from Asia in Europe are constantly growing. Therefore, I believe that the linguistic and educational profile that I acquired will be an important asset for a successful career in the field of tourism management.

Thank you so much for your consideration and I am looking forward to your reply.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi remig;

Should I write about my hobbies or my personality? Yes. Activities and interests outside academia (especially volunteering and community work) indicate a well-rounded person. The school might be concerned about an applicant's ability to adapt to a new environment, so your positive experiences as an exchange student would be a good subject to include. Universities are always looking forward to how their graduates can make an impact on the global community in the future. Your inclusion of promoting tourism in your country is a good thing to mention, especially if you have some definite ideas in mind. It is best to be specific rather than general. The more your letter is different from other applicant's letters, the more it will attract favourable attention.

I wish to apply to the Masters of Tourism Management at University of Westminster for the 2011 autumn term. I wish to develop knowledge and skills in tourism management so I could work in this sector. I believe that a degree from University of Westminster can help me to achieve my goal of becoming an expert in the field of tourism.(very general. All applicants say this.)

I selected this program because of its excellent research opportunities. Also it is a great opportunity for me to improve my present Japanese language skills as there is an additional Japanese course in the
program. (specific)
I completed a bachelor‘s degree in Comparative Asian Studies (Japanese major) from X University in 2010. I have studied
various aspects of Asian culture, including Japanese and Chinese languages, history, philosophy, religion and music. I was awarded high grades in all of my courses and received the highest grade for my bachelor thesis „X“. I am currently working as a teacher’s
assistant in X School. Moreover, I am teaching Japanese language for beginners at X University.
Furthermore, I received JASSO scholarship to study for half of the year in Tsukuba University, Japan. I am happy to be the first
person from X University to get this scholarship, (very specific!) which provided me an opportunity to improve my knowledge of the Japanese language as well as various cross-cultural issues. Actually, travelling in Japan had a great impact on my decision to pursue my studies in the field of tourism. In comparison with my homeland Lithuania, tourism in Japan is not only remarkably organized, but also their historical sites and cultural resources are finely preserved and are available (readily accessible to many kinds of tourists - e.g. your appreciation of families, handicapped touists, elderly tourists, ecotourists and tourists from developing nations, etc. would also be specific)
to the tourists. Unfortunately, tourism in Lithuania faces a lot of problems such as the dissolution of our cultural heritage, lack of advertisement and investment ~~of tourism and others~~. (very specific - you might mention where and why it has great potential as a tourist destination!)
So I decided to pursue my studies in tourism management
due to my interest in different cultures and the tourism sector. Moreover, I believe I can contribute to the improvement of the tourism sector in Lithuania.

In my opinion it is important to have cross-cultural experiences due to the fact that numbers of tourists from Asia in Europe are constantly growing. Therefore, I believe that the linguistic and educational profile that I acquired will be an important asset for a successful career in the field of tourism management.
Thank you so much for your consideration and I am looking forward to
your reply.

Remig · Answer

Thank you so much. I think maybe I wrote too much about myself

It was really helpful to get comments so I can improve. But I am not sure how to change the beginning. Any comments will be appreciated.

I wish to apply to the Masters of Tourism Management at University of Westminster for the 2011 autumn term. I wish to develop knowledge and skills in tourism management so I could work in this sector. I believe that a degree from University of Westminster can help me to achieve my goal of becoming an expert in the field of tourism. I selected this program because of its excellent research opportunities. Also it is a great opportunity for me to improve my present Japanese language skills as there is an additional Japanese course in the program.

I completed a bachelor‘s degree in Comparative Asian Studies (Japanese major) from X University in 2010. I have studied various aspects of Asian culture, including Japanese and Chinese languages, history, philosophy, religion and music. I was awarded high grades in all of my courses and received the highest grade for my bachelor thesis „X". I am currently working as a teacher's assistant in X School. Moreover, I am teaching Japanese language for beginners at X University.
Furthermore, I received JASSO scholarship to study for half of the year in Tsukuba University, Japan. I am happy to be the first person from X University to get this scholarship, which provided me an opportunity to improve my knowledge of the Japanese language as well as various cross-cultural issues. Futhermore, living and studying in totally different environment was a great chance to meet new people as well as to learn independence and self-management. In my opinion it is important to have cross-cultural experiences due to the fact that numbers of tourists from Asia in Europe are constantly growing. Therefore, I believe that the linguistic and educational profile that I acquired will be an important asset for a successful career in the field of tourism management.

Actually, travelling in Japan had a great impact on my decision to pursue my studies in the field of tourism. In comparison with my homeland Lithuania, tourism in Japan is not only remarkably organized, but also their historical sites and cultural resources are finely preserved and are readily accessible due to the excellent transportation system. Unfortunately, tourism in Lithuania faces a lot of problems such as the dissolution of our cultural heritage, lack of advertisement and investment of tourism and others. For instance, rural tourism is a great way to show Lithuanian culture and history, though it is more available to Lithuanian tourists than foreigners. So I decided to pursue my studies in tourism management due to my interest in different cultures and the tourism sector. Moreover, I believe I can contribute to the improvement of the tourism sector in Lithuania.

Since my school years, I took part in various contests and represented my school in many events. After school graduation I volunteered for two summers in Youth Camp. In various events I participated with a team that learnt me the importance of good team work. Ability to work in a team was improved while I was working in Youth Camp, because the team of volunteers had to make program for the children and implement it. I was also active in university. For instance, I organized Oriental days of my department, where students from all university enjoyed different activities: making origami, watching Japanese, Chinese, Indian movies, having tea ceremony and so on. So I always enjoy trying something new and challenging myself. I believe that challenges are essential for development of one's personality. In my opinion, travelling is a good way to challenge oneself and to try many new things. This is the reason why travelling is my passion. Moreover, I enjoy reading books, salsa dancing and Japanese calligraphy. I took calligraphy lessons while studying in Japan and even participated in one exhibition.

Thank you so much for your consideration and I am looking forward to your reply.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Try to catch the reader's attention in your first paragraph, introducing ideas that you devleop later, for example:

I wish to apply to the Masters of Tourism Management at University of Westminster for the 2011 autumn term. I wish to develop knowledge and skills in tourism management to be able to lead the future development of tourism in my country and be a specialist in catering to Asian tourists. ~~I could work in this sector. I~~ believe that a degree from University of Westminster can give me the necessary expertise ~~help me~~ to achieve these goals ~~of becoming an expert in the field of tourism~~.

Remig · Answer

It really sounds much better. Thank you! Sometimes it's difficult to express my thoughts when English is not my native language. Also I added a paragraph about my hobbies and personality. Is my letter overall okey?

Need help with motivation letter

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