Need help to review ielts essay

Question

Hi Everyone,I need your help to review my ielts essay below.Your assitance and feedbak would be greatly appreciated ! [H]Regards,Theresia=In order keep the students more focused, the sports classes should be stopped in High schools. Do you think this will be a right approach for a better generation?Give your own opinion  250 - 300 words==I really do not agree to stop the sport classes in high school in order to keep the students more focused. Despite sport activities waste our time for a few hours per week.  Nevertheless, there are some benefits by doing exercise regularly. Firstly, through sport activities teach us such kinds values of team work , solidarity and sportivity. It does not matter how talented the team member is. The team would never won the competition unless each of them has value about how important teamwork and solidarity are. For example: the football team is able to make a goal if each of team member  has sense of togetherness that means that each of team member play their role. They have to work together to pass the ball to the right person in order to make a goal. Student should be aware with these kinds of value. These kinds of values are needed to be a good leader or team player in the market place. A good leader should be able to work with a few team members in order to achieve a target. In other side, a good team player should be played their role. Secondly, sports activities make our body and soul healthier. Hygienists recommend all of us to have an exercise at least thirty minutes everyday. Sport activities help us to release a stress or fell bad due to daily activity. When we perspire during exercise, our body produce a particular hormone that could make us feel happy. Certainly, the heart beat is increasingly while doing exercises that could make the blood stream more smoothly to the entire body. Ultimately, sport is very important to prevent the students from mental or body illness due to a routine academic activity. It is worth to spend a few hours per week for doing sport activities because of a lot of a good value and benefit behind it.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

I've made a few suggestions.

wijaya.theresiaI really do not agree that ~~to stop the~~ sport classes should be stopped in high school in order to keep the students more focused. Despite sport activities waste our time for a few hours per week. (Not a complete sentence.) Nevertheless, there are some benefits by doing exercise regularly. Firstly, ~~through~~ sport activities teach us ~~such kinds~~ values of team work , solidarity and sportsmanship ~~sportivity~~. It does not matter how talented the team members are. ~~is.~~ (plural because of your next sentence talking about more than one) The team would never win ~~won~~ the competition unless each of them understands (or realizes) ~~has value about~~ how important teamwork and solidarity are. For example: the football team is able to make a goal if each of the team members have a sense of togetherness. That means that each of team member plays their role. They have to work together to pass the ball to the right person in order to make a goal. Students should be aware of ~~with~~ these kinds of values. These kinds of values are needed to be a good leader or team player in the market place. A good leader should be able to work with a few team members in order to achieve a target. On the other side, a good team player should be played their role. Secondly, sports activities make our bodies and souls healthier. Hygienists recommend all of us to have an exercise for at least thirty minutes every day. Sport activities help us to release a stress ~~or fell bad~~ due to daily activity. When we perspire during exercise, our body produces a particular hormone that could make us feel happy. Certainly, the heart beat is increasingly while doing exercises. That could make the blood stream more smoothly to the entire body. Ultimately, sport is very important to prevent the students from contracting mental or bodily illnesses due to a routine academic activity. It is worthwhile to spend a few hours per week ~~for~~ doing sport activities because it gives of a lot of a good values and benefits ~~behind it~~.

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi Everyone,

I need your assistance to give some feedback for my IELTS essay as the following below.
I appreciated your kindness

Thanks so much

Regards,
Theresia

=

As most postgraduate research is funded by industry then students grants should also come from the same source. How far you agree with this. Give your views in not less than 250 words.

=
I really agree that most postgraduate research is funded by industry and student's grants should also from the same source. There are no link and match in postgraduate curriculum recently. According to the last researched by New York City Industry association. The postgraduate curriculum mostly are text book oriented rather than practical approach. So that there are a lot of post graduate students could not apply their knowledge in the industry once they graduated from the university. It is very unfortunate. While they were studying at University, they supposed to research which are more practical approach. The industry needs graduate students who have a practical approach instead of textbook knowledge. That means graduate students should be able to think out of the box. They must be able to understand business people perspective. For example, when they are proposing to do some research, they must able to work with marketing manager to identify the customer's expectation of their product. They could not just do a research due to its driven by geeks mode on. Ultimately, if graduate student funded by industry then student grant are come from same source, there is a lot of benefit for a students. Students have a guidance and feedback what kinds of research which are innovative and practical in the industry world. Moreover, student has a financial support for financing their research. Eventually, when they graduated from the university, they are able to bring something which is valuable for the industry and society generally.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Theresia:
There are too many mistakes in this essay.
Your most frequent grammatical errors are: incorrect verb phrases (and tenses), incorrect singular/plural agreements, incorrect use of possessive case and incorrect use of definite and indefinite articles.
One sentence is a fragment.

Please read your essay carefully, looking for these errors. Correct your errors, and re-post it if you like. Then we can help you polish it.

Wijaya.theresia · Answer

Hi AlpheccaStars,

Thanks a lot for your feedback

I will re-post it once I have done the correction of my essay.

Thanks for your valuable time

Regards,

Theresia

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