Need help editing - structurally and grammatically

Question

I am posting an essay required in an English Composition course I'm enrolled in. Here are the professors requirements......."Must focus on current job...explain what title is...and what is required in position...MUST accomplish EACH of the following: Direction, Unity, Coherence, and Support. Must be NO MORE THAN one page in length (sz 12 font) one to three paragraphs."

Here is my essay. Any corrections, advise, or criticism will be greatly appreciated!!

_____I have many responsibilities in my job as a driver for United Parcel Service. Some of my most demanding responsibilities are adhering to deadlines. One example of this is the delivery of time sensitive packages. Some packages are guaranteed to be delivered the next day, while others are scheduled within two or three days. Once the scheduled delivery day has been determined, I must be sure the package is delivered on time. Another example of adhering to deadlines is my daily scheduled pick-ups. My customers rely on me to be prompt in picking up their packages each day and ensuring that they reach their destination. If I am late, I not only jeopardize their reputation, but could ultimately be the cause of lost revenue; or even worse, the loss of a customer.
_____In addition to deadlines, my responsibilities also include good communication skills. First, it is essential that I can effectively communicate with my customers. In doing so, I can effectively meet their wants and needs and, at the same time, help to grow my business. Equally important as communicating with my customers, I must also be able to communicate with my company. If I experience problems on my route, I must be able to explain the details to my supervisors and offer suggestions of how to resolve them. Additionally, I must be able to communicate with other drivers. For example, if I finish my route early and am aware of another driver that is in need of help, I can devise a plan to divide the remaining work; thus, creating a fair workday for each of us without risking service failures to our customers.
_____If I were to list all of my responsibilities at United Parcel Service, I would certainly need a lot of time and a lot of paper! They differ in many ways, but they all equally significant in the “big picture” of offering unparalleled service to my customers. Although I have an array of responsibilities in my job, none are menial.

Thank you,
Eric

Taiwandave · Accepted Answer

I have many responsibilities in my job as a driver for United Parcel Service. Among the most demanding is adhering to deadlines. Many packages are time-sensitive with guaranteed next-day delivery. It's my job to ensure that these guarantees are met.

Daily scheduled pick-ups are also deadline-critical. My customers rely on me to promptly pick up their packages each day. If I'm late, I could jeopardize their reputation, put their corporate revenue at risk, or even lose a valued customer.

Yet prompt service is not enough. UPS is a large company. We compete hard against other major players in the express delivery field. Our competitive advantage often boils down to the communication skills of our drivers. Mine is the face that my customers attach to our vast organization. I am the person who understands their business best, and it's my responsibility to communicate, within our organization, each of my customer's individual needs.

When I do this well, our business with that customer invariably grows. For example, if problems on my route are interfering with the best possible customer service, I make sure to explain the details to my supervisors and offer suggestions for improvement.

Delivering on our corporate mission is not something I accomplish on my own. Teamwork is essential. If I finish my route early, I always check whether other drivers need help. They do the same for me. Working as a team, we devise a plan to divide whatever work remains at the end of each day, thus greatly reducing the risk of service failures.

I could write many pages describing the numerous ways that an individual UPS driver's performance impacts our overall competive strength. It all adds up to the same thing: delivering unbeatable customer service.

In some sense, my job is menial. But the customer doesn't see it that way. When your business depends on our performance, who do you count on? The answer: us, the drivers. We're the infantry, the ground-pounders, the people whose faces you know, and the people who know you best. We pull it off when no one else can. A menial job it may be. But done well, it's no mean feat.

Taiwandave · Answer

Eric,

I was very impressed by the draft that you submitted. You are a talented writer - I'm surprised that you're even taking an English composition course!

I've re-written your draft with my own "spin" on what you wrote. I hope you like it.

In any case, I have a few tips that can improve your writing:

1. Write short, snappy little sentences. These always have the most impact on the reader. If you have written a long sentence, ask yourself: can I break this sentence up? And if so, break it up!

2. Never let paragraphs wander on too long. I realize that your teacher has asked for only three paragraphs. But the paragraphs you submitted in your draft were simply too long. Break up your writing into short sentences and short paragraphs. Always think not of yourself, but of the reader. When a sentence can be made short, make it short. When a point has been made, break into the next paragraph.

3. Avoid repetition. Make a point once, then move on. Remember, your reader isn't stupid. Say something once, and he gets it - trust me!

Anyway, as I said above, I like your writing. Coming from a professional writer such as myself, that means something.

Your challenge in improving your writing isn't to think about writing per se. You've already mastered the art of putting your thoughts on paper. Your challenge is to think of the reader. In whatever you write, ask yourself: could I be clearer? Might the reader find what I've written a bit dull and repetitious?

Once you've written something, read it over as if you knew nothing about it, and ask yourself: is it really short, really snappy, and really to-the-point? If not, revise it and make it so.

MountainHiker · Answer

I would just add to Taiwandave's advice,

1. Write short, snappy little sentences. These always have the most impact on the reader. If you have written a long sentence, ask yourself: can I break this sentence up? And if so, break it up!

Vary the length of your sentences. Do not have all short sentences. And especially do not have all long sentences, for that tires the reader very quickly.

Have a look at this site: [url="http://www.tameri.com/edit/levels.html"][/url].

You should be shooting for 8-10 grade somewhere.

MountainHiker

Need help editing - structurally and grammatically

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