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Angliholic Posted 16 years ago
Grammar

My youth flew away like a freeflying kite

My youth flew away like a freeflying kite
with a flock of wild geese in my fantasy
wandering among a class of carefree white clouds
in a playground of blue sky.

What is left now is only a vague image
with a severed line still held in my hand.



Hi,



The above is my scribbling to record what I felt at the moment and practice writing. Correct me if I am wrong. Thanks.
  

Top answer

Too many mixed metaphors/similes. Jumping from kites to geese in a line is nerve-wracking. I have played with it as a for-instance: My youth flew away like a free-flying kite skipping through the carefree white clouds in a playground of blue sky.

— Mister Micawber

  • Too many mixed metaphors/similes.
  • Jumping from kites to geese in a line is nerve-wracking.
  • I have played with it as a for-instance: My youth flew away like a free-flying kite skipping through the carefree white clouds in a playground of blue sky.
  • I am left holding only a vague image, the severed line still in my hand.
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2 Answers
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Too many mixed metaphors/similes. Jumping from kites to geese in a line is nerve-wracking. I have played with it as a for-instance:

My youth flew away like a free-flying kite
skipping through the carefree white clouds
in a playground of blue sky.
I am left holding only a vague image,
the severed line still in my hand.
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Thanks, Mr.

I never knew you have the stroke of a genius.

I adore your new version--more precise and concise.
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