My scholarship essay , revise please :)

Question

Egypt's First Lady Suzanne Mubarak, Gamal Mubarak, son of Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak
Queen Rania of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, Hisham Badr, Egypt's , Mervat Al Telawy, Ashraf Hamdi, Karim Ramadan, Omar Samra, Mona El Shazly, ......etc, .these names listed are some of
the american university in egypt notable alumini

When I first checked this list while browsing the auc website, a strange feeling flooded through my blood, adrenalin was running all over me, and I deeply wanted to be on be in this list. Being an AUCIAN has been a dream of mine, as its one of the Middle Easts great academic institutions.
Due to tremendous financial matters it was so difficult just to dream of entering the AUC
I thought such a place was impossible. I felt then that my dream was just too abstract
as nowadays college is becoming more difficult to afford. It is turning out to be a challenge to fund a college education.But My aspirations do not simply exist in the future, they exist now, and since now they exist
i decided to immerse myself in an experience which will undoubtedly give me the impetus to strike a change in the world

Not only does a scholarship reward with money, but it is prestigious and an honor to receive one. It proves to others that you are one of the best students. It gives recognition and the credit earned through hard work and dedication. I want to be the one who shows this commitment and determination as I will become one of the most outstanding students through my hard workand my college life that will be with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance If awarded this scholarship, I would be able to not only fulfill my own aspirations, but this scholarship will be a gift that keeps on giving me power , strength and pride
American university in cairo offers twenty annual full-tuition scholarships to Egyptian public school students and who have special talents and skills, This scholarship opens the doors for tremendous academic opportunities that I can easily take advantage of as an AUCian. I have always been known as a hard-worker, especially when it comes to my school work, so having this variety of choices in regards to what classes I can take truly satisfies my thirst for conquering the next challenge inside the classroom

Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that AUC offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community as It surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there and dream further for my future
I will have had the experience of interacting with people from all around the planet refering to the university fact that the percentage of non - egyptian students is 18.3
This is why the auc's extraordinary diversity was one of the primary attributes I was looking for in a university and I definitely found it at the american university in cairo
Auc reputation as an extremely academic college matches up with this aspect of my personality as it truly cares for its students' well-being .these are just few reasons for why i appertitate admitting to the american university in cairo.As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, AUC will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially

explain why are you applying for the scholarship and why its important to you

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Nouran:
Your essay is very good. But, I ask, is it good enough for you to win one of those precious scholarships? Won't there be hundreds or even thousands of very hard working, ambitious, dedicated, but financially needy students with excellent grades competing for these very few? So, to be picked, your essay has to be outstanding; different from the others.
You have said that the scholarships are "for students who have special talents and skills," but you have not mentioned any special talents or skills that you have. The reasons that you write about will be in most, if not all, the other students' essays. You use a lot of words to state some obvious points, (recited from the AUC web site), but I understand that is because the subject is new and exciting for you.
Here is my suggestion: Pretend that you are on the scholarship selection committee, and you have a very high stack of essays, say 300, to read. Further, you have already read 400 essays and you are quite bored and tired. The next essay on the top of the pile is from Nouran. Will this essay grab your attention, excite you, and convince you that this application is one to be set apart? Or will it just be another one nearly the same as the other essays?
The essay is your opportunity to show off your command of the language, vocabulary, and grammar, as well as a sound logical argument. I have made a few suggestions below.
All the best,
A-

s

nouranEgypt's First Lady Suzanne Mubarak, Gamal Mubarak, son of Egypt's President Hosni Mubarak
Queen Rania of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, Hisham Badr, Egypt's , Mervat Al Telawy, Ashraf Hamdi, Karim Ramadan, Omar Samra, Mona El Shazly; .these names are some of American University in Egypt's notable alumni.

When I first checked this list while browsing the AUC website, a strange feeling flooded through my blood, adrenalin was running all inside of ~~over~~ me, and I deeply wanted to be on ~~be in~~ this list. Being an AUCIAN has been a dream of mine, as its one of the Middle East's great academic institutions.
Due to adverse ~~tremendous~~ financial matters it was so difficult just to dream of entering the AUC
I thought such a place was impossible. I felt then that my dream was just too abstract s nowadays college is becoming more difficult to afford. It is turning out to be a challenge to fund a college education. But my aspirations do not simply exist in the future, they exist now, and since now they exist, I decided to immerse myself in an experience which will undoubtedly give me the impetus to strike a change in the world

Not only does a scholarship reward you with money, but it is prestigious and an honor to receive one. It proves to others that you are one of the best students. It gives recognition to past years' of ~~and the credit earned through~~ hard work and dedication. I want to be the one who shows this commitment and determination as I will become one of the most outstanding students through my hard work and my college life that will be with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance. If awarded this scholarship, I would be able to not only fulfill my own aspirations, but this scholarship will be a gift that keeps on giving me power, strength and pride
American University in Cairo offers twenty annual full-tuition scholarships to Egyptian public school students and who have special talents and skills. This scholarship opens the doors for tremendous academic opportunities that I can easily take advantage of as an AUCian. I have always been known as a hard-worker, especially when it comes to my school work, so having a variety of choices in regards to what classes I can take truly satisfies my thirst for conquering the next challenge inside the classroom

Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that AUC offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community as It surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there and dream further for my future. (this sentence is too long.) I will have had the experience of interacting with people from all around the planet referring to the university fact that the percentage of non - Egyptian students is 18.3
This is why the auc's extraordinary diversity was one of the primary attributes I was looking for in a university and I definitely found it at the American University in Cairo (You use the full spelling and abbreviation without much logic.) Auc reputation as an extremely academic college matches up with this aspect of my personality as it truly cares for its students' well-being .these are just few reasons for why i appertitate? admitting to the american university in cairo.As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, AUC will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially

Nouran · Answer

i want to thank u so muchAlpheccaStars and your idea is great thank uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu )) , but can u please write to me a better intro with this idea ? i will be so grateful cause iam not a native speaker , its kinda hard to me , i will be so grateful

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nouran:
I am happy to check your grammar, spelling, and punctuation. But I cannot give you ideas for your essay because I don't know anything about you as a person.
Here is my suggestion.
Pretend that you have one scholarship to give to someone that you have never seen and never met. Twenty-five people write you letters to tell you why they should get this scholarship. All are from good families, but are too poor to afford a university education. One letter talks about his deep love for music - he is a very talented pianist, who wants a career in composing and giving international concerts in the symphony orchestra. Another is the winner of a science prize in school and her dream is to be a chemist or a doctor and discover new drugs to cure diseases. Another letter describes a girl who served poor people in her community and knows their problems. She want to be a lawyer and then a politician to advocate for better conditions for the poor.
All the other 22 letters say that they study hard and have good grades and want a good education and career and want to attend the university because they like it.
How would you decide who gets the scholarship you have to give?
Next think about your own essay and how it would convince a reader to pick yours as one of the deserving winners.
[EDIT]: I am not saying that you must have an exceptional talent. Everyone has a passion for something and for their future. What is your dream?

Nouran · Answer

Stacks up, muddled heads, tiring eyes, boredom, exhaustion, and tense atmosphere has been all around the american university of cairo public schools scholarship selection committee.
Another random essay is picked, anouther eager student to win, anouther ambition, enthusiam and determination is shown .its an essay from nouran . her words flows as following :

"When I first checked this list while browsing the auc website, a strange feeling flooded through my blood, adrenalin was running all over me, and I deeply wanted to be on be in this list. Being an AUCIAN has been a dream of mine, as its one of the Middle Easts great academic institutions.
Due to tremendous financial matters it was so difficult just to dream of entering the AUC,I thought such a place was impossible. I felt then that my dream was just too abstract, as nowadays college is becoming more difficult to afford. It is turning out to be a challenge to fund a college education.But My aspirations do not simply exist in the future, they exist now, and since now they exist,i decided to immerse myself in an experience which will undoubtedly give me the impetus to strike a change in the world

Not only does a scholarship reward with money, but it is prestigious and an honor to receive one. It proves to others that you are one of the best students. It gives recognition and the credit earned through hard work and dedication. I want to be the one who shows this commitment and determination as I will become one of the most outstanding students through my hard workand my college life that will be with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance If awarded this scholarship, I would be able to not only fulfill my own aspirations, but this scholarship will be a gift that keeps on giving me power , strength and pride
American university in cairo offers twenty annual full-tuition scholarships to Egyptian public school students and who have special talents and skills, This scholarship opens the doors for tremendous academic opportunities that I can easily take advantage of as an AUCian. I have always been known as a hard-worker, especially when it comes to my school work, so having this variety of choices in regards to what classes I can take truly satisfies my thirst for conquering the next challenge inside the classroom

Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that AUC offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community as It surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there and dream further for my future
I will have had the experience of interacting with people from all around the planet refering to the university fact that the percentage of non - egyptian students is 18.3
This is why the auc's extraordinary diversity was one of the primary attributes I was looking for in a university and I definitely found it at the american university in cairo
Auc reputation as an extremely academic college matches up with this aspect of my personality as it truly cares for its students' well-being .these are just few reasons for why i appertitate admitting to the american university in cairo.As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, AUC will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially"

After reading this girl's essay, boredom is turned to interest, heads decided, exhaustion forgotten and tense is still in but for what the winner nouran will add to the AUC credit and proud of her students acheivement and Success.

is that better:D? and thanks again alpecca

)))

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nouran:
I am sorry that I have really confused you. I did not want you to write anything about the selection committee at the university in your essay. It is not good to put such things in the essay itself.

Instead, I meant for you to write more about yourself - what are your talents, what are your dreams for after university? How would you take advantage of this opportunity of a college education in later life? Be specific. A "bright career" is too vague and too general. More "power, strength and pride" will happen to anyone who wins a scholarship. It does not make you any different from other candidates.

You say you want to make a change in the world - but what kind of change? In medicine as a doctor or nurse? In music? In science? In teaching others? In making better laws to help poor people improve their lives? What subject will you study? Why will you select this subject?
I do not mean for you to ask these questions in your essay! When you write your essay, think about these questions and give answers from your heart to the people who will read it.
This is my story when I was young (a very long time ago), and what I might write if I were writing my own personal essay today: It has always been my dream to be an astronaut. I love reading about the space program and physics and mathematics are my best subjects in school. I admire the early astornomers - Galileo, Copernicus, and Kepler - who advanced the science despite objections to their revolutionary ideas from their society. I have my own telescope and take it out on every clear night, even when it is cold. I search for comets, since that is the best thing that amateur astronomers can do on their own. I chose your university because of its esteemed department of astronomy, and research into gravitational wave theory. The understanding of dark matter is one of the big challenges that I am interested in, and after I graduate, I plan on either a career in the space program or studying for an advanced degree in Physics.

Nouran · Answer

living an economic life with alot of obstacles in, is with all means not easy at all, even more harder when you are a new comer to this life,
in the past early ages i was rich, luxorious, talented, High-level special education, as well as having the chance and the enough financial resources to improve my talents and skills,
but everything is able to change, when my father had giant financial matters and nearly lost all his business and career , more debts enough to let u never return back to your high life standard

as a result, my destination in life has changed, which led to the change of high expectations my parents had on to low expectations,
as i no longer have the chance to be a better person and improve my self
as an example no more every day language, extracirrcular activities,and weekly piano lessons to improve my musical talent. but i didnt give up
by the time i lived in this new economic environoment, i realised that majority of people who struggled for their living actually they dont have alot of ambition or dreams for the future they dont even dream ! but i continued to dream and i shall be the better ME in the future
with hardly enough financial resources i used the only weapon i got which is technology
the world wide web i can assume that it is my only help and chance i got as i used it
to brush up my english , french , self study the guitar, adding to my culture alot of global musical knowledge i would never had in the my own way of living
but i didnt forget my academics
as in my final high school year i can say i worked hard on my and i want to chance to be a better person that i worked on which the american unversity in cairo wil help to do it and reach my goal to be a better person.

Being an AUCIAN has been a dream of mine, as its one of the Middle Easts great academic institutions
Due to tremendous financial matters it was so difficult just to dream of entering the AUC
I thought such a place was impossible. I felt then that my dream was just too abstract
as nowadays college is becoming more difficult to afford. It is turning out to be a challenge to fund a college education.But My aspirations do not simply exist in the future, they exist now, and since now they exist
i decided to immerse myself in an experience which will undoubtedly give me the impetus to strike a change in the world
When I first checked this list while browsing the auc website, a strange feeling flooded through my blood, adrenalin was running all over me, and I deeply wanted to be on be in this list

American university in cairo offers twenty annual full-tuition scholarships to Egyptian public school students and who have special talents and skills, This scholarship opens the doors for tremendous academic opportunities that I can easily take advantage of as an AUCian. I have always been known as a hard-worker, especially when it comes to my school work, so having this variety of choices in regards to what classes I can take truly satisfies my thirst for conquering the next challenge inside the classroom

Not only does a scholarship reward with money, but it is prestigious and an honor to receive one. It proves to others that you are one of the best students. It gives recognition and the credit earned through hard work and dedication. I want to be the one who shows this commitment and determination as I will become one of the most outstanding students through my hard workand my college life that will be with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance If awarded this scholarship, I would be able to not only fulfill my own aspirations, but this scholarship will be a gift that keeps on giving me power to make a change, strength to continye the path is self - independent and pride that i achieved something after hard work

Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that AUC offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community as It surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there and dream further for my future

Auc reputation as an extremely academic college matches up with this aspect of my personality as it truly cares for its students' well-being .these are just few reasons for why i appertitate admitting to the american university in cairo.As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, AUC will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially

ok alpecha i changed alot in it , the problem as u can see is my vocabulary i have the intention to write but my english is weak so can u please suggest better words , i mean to enrich the essay , thank u in advance

.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nouran
I don't have time today because of my work schedule. I will look at it a soon as possible.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nouran -You are making good progress. But you have to remember some basic rules of English.
1) The pronoun "I" is always capitalized. 2) Sentences begin with a capital letter. 3) The second person pronoun is "you," not u.
I did not make suggestions to correct for these 3 rules. Here are some suggestions to the first part of your essay. I underlined words where there is a problem. Please write it again and pay attention to the 3 rules. Also check the spelling in the entire essay.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

living an economic life with alot of obstacles in, is with all means not easy at all, even more harder ((The comparative form of "hard" is "harder." "more harder" is not correct.) when you are a new comer to this life,
in the past early ages )It is better to say "when I was young (or younger)") i was rich, luxorious, talented, High-level special education, as well as having the chance and the enough financial resources to improve my talents and skills,
but everything is able to change, when my father had giant financial matters and nearly lost all his business and career , more debts enough to let u never return back to your high life standard (There are about 3 sentences here all running together.)

as a result, my destination in life has changed, which led to the change of high expectations my parents had (your expectations or you parents'?) on to low expectations,
as i no longer have the chance to be a better person and improve my self
as an example no more every day language(?), extracirrcular activities,and weekly piano lessons to ~~improve~~ develop my musical talent. but i didnt give up
by the time i lived in this new economic environoment, i realised that majority of people who struggled for their living actually they dont have alot of ambition or dreams for the future they dont even dream ! but i continued to dream and i shall be the better ME in the future
with hardly enough financial resources i used the only weapon i got which is technology
the world wide web i can assume that it is my only help and chance i got as i used it
to brush up my english , french , self study the guitar, adding to my culture alot of global musical knowledge i would never had in the my own way of living
but i didnt forget my academics
as in my final high school year i can say i worked hard on my and i want to chance to be a better person that i worked on which the american unversity in cairo wil help to do it and reach my goal to be a better person.

Nouran · Answer

Living an economic life, full of obstacles, stumbling blocks and financial crisis is not an easy life at all respects concerning that when you are a new comer to this life.
From living in a high wealthy life-standard when all the facilities are available to lead a successful bright academic and career future in addition to hard work, to living in a low-life standard where my family could barely manage the basics of food and drinkand clothing
this crisis occurred when my father had giant financial matters and nearly lost all his business and career, in addition to enough debts to let you never return back to your previous wealthy life

But everything is able to change ,with faith, enthusiasm and determination , i decided to depend on my own self to become the better person in the future i want to be and to enhance my career prospects.
My aspirations do not simply exist in the future, they exist now, and since now they exist i decided to immerse myself in an experience which will undoubtedly give me the impetus to strike a change in the world.
as living in this economic humble life it makes you not to put so much high expectations for your future, but i am a warrior of life - as the writer Paulo Coelho write in his books-, a warrior who fights for his personal legend in life.
the only weapon i had to fight with on my Self -Completion challenge is technology, the world wide web was enough for me to self teach the guitar, gaining global musical knowledge, brush up my english and knowing more people to help me along the road.

Being an AUCIAN has been a dream of mine, as its one of the Middle Easts great academic institutions
Due to tremendous financial matters it was so difficult just to dream of entering the AUC
I thought such a place was impossible. I felt then that my dream was just too abstract
as nowadays college is becoming more difficult to afford. It is turning out to be a challenge to fund a college education.
When I first checked this list while browsing the auc website, a strange feeling flooded through my blood, adrenalin was running all over me, and I deeply wanted to be on be in this list. i want to be a somebody.

Not only does a scholarship reward with money, but it is prestigious and an honor to receive one. It proves to others that you are one of the best students. It gives recognition and the credit earned through hard work and dedication. I want to be the one who shows this commitment and determination as I will become one of the most outstanding students through my hard workand my college life that will be with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance If awarded this scholarship, I would be able to not only fulfill my own aspirations, but this scholarship will be a gift that keeps on giving me power to make a change, strength to continye the path is self - independent and pride that i achieved something after hard work

American university in cairo offers twenty annual full-tuition scholarships to Egyptian public school students and who have special talents and skills, This scholarship opens the doors for tremendous academic opportunities that I can easily take advantage of as an AUCian. I have always been known as a hard-worker, especially when it comes to my school work, so having this variety of choices in regards to what classes I can take truly satisfies my thirst for conquering the next challenge inside the classroom
Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that AUC offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community as It surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there and dream further for my future
Auc reputation as an extremely academic college matches up with this aspect of my personality as it truly cares for its students' well-being .these are just few reasons for why i appertitate admitting to the american university in cairo.As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, AUC will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially

THANK SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP ONCE AGAIN

), now what do u think?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nouran:
I will not comment on the content of your essay any more. I have done that in the past, and don't have anything more to add. This time I will only remark on grammar. Your punctuation needs more attention. I did not correct these trivial errors. (I might not have caught all the grammatical errors either, so check it carefully yourself.)

nouranLiving an economic life, (no comma) full of obstacles, stumbling blocks and financial crisis (plural: crises) is not an easy ~~life~~ at all ~~respects~~ concerning (considering) that ~~when~~ you are a new comer (newcomer is one word) to this life.
(You need to put the main clause of your sentence here: Example: I have gone .. ) From living at in a high wealthy life-standard with ~~when~~ all the facilities ~~are~~ available to lead a successful bright academic and career future in addition to hard work, to living in at a low-life standard where my family could barely manage the basics of food and drink and clothing (full stop, end of sentence) this ~~crisis~~ occurred when my father had giant (difficult) financial matters and nearly lost all his business and career, ~~in addition to~~ and enough debts to let us ~~you~~ never return back to our ~~your~~ previous wealthy life

But everything is able to change (full stop, end of sentence) ,with faith, enthusiasm and determination , i decided to depend on my own self to become the better person in the future i want to be and to enhance my career prospects.
My aspirations do not simply exist in the future, they exist now, and since now they exist i decided to immerse myself in an experience which will undoubtedly give me the impetus to strike a change in the world.
as living in this economic humble life it makes you (one -- is better as an impersonal pronoun) not to put so much high expectations for your(one's -- is better as an impersonal pronoun) future, but i am a warrior of life - as the writer Paulo Coelho writes in his books-, a warrior who fights for his personal legend in life.
the only weapon i had to fight with on my Self -Completion challenge is technology, the world wide web was enough for me to ~~self~~ teach myself the guitar, gain~~ing~~ global musical knowledge, brush up on my english and get to know~~ing~~ more people to help me along the road.

Being an AUCIAN has been a dream of mine, as its one of the Middle East's great academic institutions
Due to tremendous financial matters it was so difficult just to dream of entering ~~the~~ AUC
I thought such a place was impossible. I felt then that my dream was just too abstract
as nowadays college is becoming more difficult to afford. It is turning out to be a challenge to fund a college education.
When I first checked this list (what list?) while browsing the auc (capitals!) website, a strange feeling flooded through my blood, adrenalin was running all over me, and I deeply wanted to be on be in this list. i want to be a somebody.

Not only does a scholarship reward with money, ~~but~~ it is prestigious and an honor to receive one. It proves to others that you are one of the best students. It gives recognition and the credit earned through hard work and dedication. I want to be the one who shows this commitment and determination as I will become one of the most outstanding students through my hard work (full stop, run-on sentences are not good writing.) and my college life that will be filled with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance (full stop) If awarded this scholarship, I would be able to not only fulfill my own aspirations, but this scholarship will be a gift that keeps on giving me power to make a change, strength to continue the path is towards self - independence and pride that i achieved something after hard work

American university in cairo offers twenty annual full-tuition scholarships to Egyptian public school students and who have special talents and skills, (full stop) This scholarship opens the doors for tremendous academic opportunities that I can easily take advantage of as an AUCian. I have always been known as a hard-worker, especially when it comes to my school work, so having this variety of choices in regards to what classes I can take truly satisfies my thirst for conquering the next challenge inside the classroom
Asides from academics, I was greatly attracted to the vibrant campus life that AUC offers. The wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present is a great chance for me to step out of my comfort zone and integrate myself within a new diverse community as It surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there and dream further for my future (this sentence is too long. Run-on sentences are not good writing.)
Auc's (capitals!) reputation as an extremely academic college matches up with this aspect of my personality as it truly cares for its students' well-being .these are just a few reasons for why i ~~appertitate~~ would appreciate being admitted ~~admitting~~ to the american university in cairo.As I establish a strong foundation for my future career, AUC will prepare me for the real world academically, socially and financially

My scholarship essay , revise please :)

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