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AngelTears6996 Posted 21 years ago

My Rose

0 We had a passionate night, 02br
00Cant keep it far from my mind. 02br
00I never knew love like this before. 02br
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00Im hurting deep inside. 02br
00Because, your gone, 02br
00gone away. 02br
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00Your memory haunts me 02br
00every day. 02br
02br
00She took you away 02br
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00She's like the winter, 02br
00That took my rose. 02br
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00Will it ever come back someday? 02br
02br
00We had a passionate night. 02br
00I remeber you holding me 02br
00tight. 02br
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00But as the sun lit the darkened sky. 02br
00I had awaken to find you gone. 02br
02br
00Where are you? 02br
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00"Twin to my soul." 02br
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00"I can't find you"!!! 02br
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00"You have planted a seed in my heart", 02br
00that shall never depart. 02br
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00But I will wait patiently until Spring. 02br
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00When the roses bloom. 02br
02br
02br
00Jessica Lamb 0-
  

Top answer

0 This is a better one, Jessica. There are still some cliches to weed out, but I like the little dialogue amidships and the rose motif here. 02br 0-

  • 0 This is a better one, Jessica.
  • There are still some cliches to weed out, but I like the little dialogue amidships and the rose motif here.
  • 02br 0-
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3 Answers
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0 This is a better one, Jessica. There are still some cliches to weed out, but I like the little dialogue amidships and the rose motif here. What you need to do first however, is proofread your posts-- no one is going to be interested enough to comment if it looks as if you can't be bothered to check your own spelling.02br
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MR. Micawber

Please read The Cell.

I changed the I's and Me's.

Please tell me what you think now.
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Yes, that in itself universalizes the statement. Now the reader is free to imagine who 'we' are-- is 'we' all women? all lovers? This leaves room for the reader's interpretation and personalization of what s/he is reading.

The past tense of 'bind' is 'bound'.

By the way, when you are working on a poem in a forum such as this, it is much better to post a new version i

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