My Ielts writing task 2 essay needs feedbacks

Question

TOPIC: Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or an organision.
Why this be the case?
What could be the disavantages of being self-employed

ESSAY:
More and more people tend to be entrepreneurs instead of being employees. There are some reasons why this proclivity becomes popular and the drawbacks that self-employer have to struggle with.

It is understandable why the number of self-employers is increasing dramatically. The main reason is that when running their own business, people feel more stress-free and don't have put up with pressure from managers as well as competitiveness between colleagues. Working under stringent regulations of an organization might not completely facilitate the employers to have comfortable working conditions due to the hectic schedule which resulting in the alarming number of workers committing suicide. For example, in Japan, the majority of people who kill themselves are workers who dealing with stressful work life and not having job satisfaction.

Besides, running a business on their own, self-employer can be more creative and zealous at work also cut down many types of expenditures on such as worker's salary and health insurance. On the other hand, being an entrepreneur means that people have to face certain difficulties. First, entrepreneurs who are not well-trained enough may find it struggling in handling many types of works such as marketing and selling at the same time. Thus, it would cause fatigue in both physical and mental. Secondly, the lack of teamwork and interactions will make people isolated especially for ones who are energetic and sociable. The hardest thing to overcome is the heavy workloads that undone when they have to take a sick live notwithstanding the irreplaceable position of them.

In conclusion, despite the comfortable environment, the high job satisfaction and the lower spending to run a business, entrepreneurs will have to overcome such hindrances such as interacting isolation, heavy workload and fewer holidays to be successful.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

More and more people tend to be entrepreneurs instead of being employees. There are some reasons why this ~~proclivity becomes~~ is becoming more popular and the drawbacks that self-employer (wrong form) have to struggle with. ;
(That does not fit the earlier part of the sentence. If you take out the first object, you get "This becomes the drawbacks. " Is that what you intended to write?)

It is understandable why the number of self-employers (self-employed people / the self-employed ) is increasing dramatically. The main reason is that when running their own business, people feel less stressed ~~more stress-free~~ and don't have put up with pressure from managers as well as competitiveness between colleagues. Working under stringent regulations of an organization might not completely create facilitate the employers to have comfortable working conditions due to the hectic schedule which resulting (wrong form) in the alarming number of workers committing suicide. For example, in Japan, the majority of people who kill themselves are workers who dealing (wrong form) with stressful work life and not having job satisfaction.

Besides, running a business on their own, self-employer can be more creative and zealous at work also cut down on many types of expenditures on such as worker's salary and health insurance. On the other hand, being an entrepreneur means that people have to face certain difficulties. First, entrepreneurs who are not well-trained enough may find it struggling (wrong form) in handling many types of works (wrong form) such as marketing and selling at the same time. Thus, it would cause fatigue in both physical and mental. (wrong expression) ~~Secondly~~, Second, the lack of teamwork and interactions will make people isolated especially for ones who are energetic and sociable. The hardest thing to overcome is the heavy workloads that undone (??) when they have to take a sick live (wrong word) notwithstanding the irreplaceable position of them. (wrong expression)

In conclusion, despite the comfortable environment, the high job satisfaction and the lower spending to run a business, entrepreneurs will have to overcome such hindrances such as interacting isolation, heavy workload and fewer holidays to be successful.

My Ielts writing task 2 essay needs feedbacks

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