My Ielts writing task 2 essay needs feedbacks

TOPIC: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

ESSAY:
Some people contend that music has crucial impacts on shortening distance between community regardless of their cultural backgrounds and generation gap. I firmly agree with this viewpoint because not only does music connect people but also act as a tool for people to voice their opinion and express their wishes.

The main reason why I believe this opinion is because of the aforementioned benefits of music that make a more liveable world as everybody is brought together. This is due to the burgeoning and increasing development of the internet which facilitates the music industry springboard. As a result, more and more people listen and download songs, watch music videos and go to live concerts which deliver such meaningful messages and stories. To illustrate, a concert held by Ariana Grande and other celebrities to donate money for victims in Manchester bombing which had over 21000 audiences coming and showing compassion.

Another reason to reinforce my opinion is that music is now ubiquitous, everybody around the world carries their stories through music. For example, in music game shows and competitions, where they seek talents, many participants attend and successfully shake other people hearts by performing about love, family values even adversity they struggling with. Furthermore, such arguable themes like wars and politic conflicts occurred in songs. Expressing the no-war world or enhancing the importance of peace, music is now playing a vital communicating means of people to show their expectancy.

In conclusion, I give my consensus to the viewpoint that claims the significant influences of music in strengthening the interaction and relationship between people despite distinctive cultures, generations.