my first poem in english ,correct it please

Question

the first is to make suse there is no phraseological mistake here.
and then I'd like it to be as graceful as possible

thanks in advanced.

leo man

one more time, the leo goes to fight.
armed with his power and might.
this time, the leo is lost in the mist.
just like before,does what is deemed as right.

days pass by, something may be changed.
but permanently the blood still shed.
the sun goes down to prepare for next rise.
leo bows his back for a more violent rush.

for what destiny he will never stop.
Apollo is just mentally behind.
it is what charactors drive him up.
the sun in the hottest month lights up his fight.

romance and passion fill in the chest.
power and enegy flow with the blood.
one more time, the leo goes to fight.
just like before, he will be never lost.

Mr Wordy · Accepted Answer

I know absolutely zilch about poetry, so I'm probably the last person who should be commenting on this!

Apart from pointing out a few obvious typos ("enegy", "charactors", "before,does"), it's hard to "correct" a poem as you asked. In a poem you can, if you want, say things that don't make literal sense, or things that would normally be considered ungrammatical, and no one can really say it's "wrong".

A couple of lines struck me as possibly being in error, in terms of use of Englsh. I'm not sure about "it is what characters drive him up". Did you mean "it is those characters who/that drive him up" or "it is what drives up characters like him"? Also, "for what destiny he will never stop" slightly puzzles me. Did you mean "for that destiny he will never stop"?

I'd personally be inclined to remove the full stops, and since you're generally eschewing capitals, even in "leo", I wondered if you meant to make an exception for "Apollo".

Davidleels · Answer

for this sentence,"it is what characters drive him up",what I really mean is
what characters make him fighting again and again no matter how hard to defeat his enemy?
perhaps I should add the question mark after it.so if I say
it is what characters drive him up ?

do I express the above meaning correctly?, I guest I was wrong, because after posting, I looked up a dictonay finding that drive up has no meaning like encouraging or inspiring.if that,what words or phrases should I used?

so do the second sentence, I should say
for what destiny he will never stop?
actually I mean
what kind of destiny does he have ?,It is this destiny make him fighting forever.
how could I organize the words to express the meaning concisely?

well, meantime, discard the capitals please, I know I should capitalize the first letter ,I just ignore it for simple, why "Apollo" is an exception? that is because I copy it from a dictionary :-)

I believe that a poem is the essence of a language.no matter what kind of language you speak, almost all poets speaking that language are linguists, don't you think so?

thanks for your reply!!

Mr Wordy · Answer

1. "What characters drive him up?" would be the usual way to turn these words into a question. You don't need "it is" at the start. "Drive up" is not necessarily wrong (as I said, almost nothing is "wrong" in a poem"), and in this context it does give some sense of inspiring or encouraging. But, from what you say, I think "drive on" is probably the expression you're looking for. I also wonder about "characters". To me, "characters" here means "other people/beings/entities, viewed in terms of their characters". If you mean the leo's own character then I think it should be "character". Putting all this together gives "What character drives him on?"

2. I think this line should probably begin "What destiny". Unfortunately, I can't immediately think of anything really neat to follow this. If you hadn't already used it, I would suggest "What destiny drives him on?".

Having read your message, I'm now wondering if there are other parts of your poem that use relatively unusual or poetic constructions accidentally rather than deliberately, and that might not mean exactly what you want them to mean. (For example, "he will be never lost" is an unusually worded phrase that doesn't mean "he will never lose", and "the leo" itself is an unusual, poetic and, to me, ambiguous name.) I could be doing you a big disservice though -- perhaps your words are all carefully chosen!

Davidleels · Answer

not at all, actually I did choise my word carefully, but aimed at saying the meanings correctly first, so the sentences such as "he will be never lost" ,I just want to say "he will never lose".
thanks for pointing that, or I would never recognized the usage is abnormal.

thank you very much!

my first poem in english ,correct it please

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