0
TwoClever/½ Posted 20 years ago
my first poem
0 Hi 02 br
02 br
00 I've written a poem (well, sort of!) this morning as I couldn't sleep at all. I've never written a poem in my life. So could anyone please have a look at it and tell me what mistakes I've made there? Thank you. 02 br
02 br
00 “Tale of a wretched soul” 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your smile 02 br
00 that lit up your face 02 br
00 when you saw me. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your laughter 02 br
00 that was like breeze in the summer. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your kisses 02 br
00 that breathed life into me. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your lovely eyes 02 br
00 that burned a hole in my heart. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 Am I a broken toy 02 br
00 that has lost your attention? 02 br
00 Am I a stale joke 02 br
00 that you’ve heard a hundred times? 02 br
00 Am I an experiment 02 br
00 that went awry? 02 br
02 br
00 I long to hold you in my arms 02 br
00 I long to feel your hair on my face when I wake up in the morning 02 br
00 I long to be your side when I finally close my eyes 02 br
00 I long to share my dreams, joy, sorry and my life. 02 br
02 br
00 I love you more than myself, honey 02 br
00 but don’t care about me. 02 br
00 I’m just a lonely traveller 02 br
00 desperately speeding ahead on the one-way street of love 02 br
00 not knowing a ten-wheeler called ‘time’ 02 br
00 waiting to crush me on the next stretch. 0-
02 br
00 I've written a poem (well, sort of!) this morning as I couldn't sleep at all. I've never written a poem in my life. So could anyone please have a look at it and tell me what mistakes I've made there? Thank you. 02 br
02 br
00 “Tale of a wretched soul” 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your smile 02 br
00 that lit up your face 02 br
00 when you saw me. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your laughter 02 br
00 that was like breeze in the summer. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your kisses 02 br
00 that breathed life into me. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 I miss your lovely eyes 02 br
00 that burned a hole in my heart. 02 br
00 It’s not possible now. 02 br
02 br
00 Am I a broken toy 02 br
00 that has lost your attention? 02 br
00 Am I a stale joke 02 br
00 that you’ve heard a hundred times? 02 br
00 Am I an experiment 02 br
00 that went awry? 02 br
02 br
00 I long to hold you in my arms 02 br
00 I long to feel your hair on my face when I wake up in the morning 02 br
00 I long to be your side when I finally close my eyes 02 br
00 I long to share my dreams, joy, sorry and my life. 02 br
02 br
00 I love you more than myself, honey 02 br
00 but don’t care about me. 02 br
00 I’m just a lonely traveller 02 br
00 desperately speeding ahead on the one-way street of love 02 br
00 not knowing a ten-wheeler called ‘time’ 02 br
00 waiting to crush me on the next stretch. 0-
Top answer
5, but the last two break the mood and degenerate into lovelorn drivel. I suggest you delete everything after 01 i 00 awry 02 i 00 . 0-
- 5, but the last two break the mood and degenerate into lovelorn drivel.
- I suggest you delete everything after 01 i 00 awry 02 i 00 .
- 0-
Get the Weekly English Kit 📬
New words, one handy idiom, and a 2-minute quiz — delivered to your inbox to keep your streak alive.
2 Answers
0
0 I like the first five stanzas very much, 2Cx0.5, but the last two break the mood and degenerate into lovelorn drivel. I suggest you delete everything after 01 i 00 awry 02 i 00 . Add a new, short, final couplet. 02 br
02 br
00 The title also is quite smarmy-- think of a more original one. 0-
02 br
00 The title also is quite smarmy-- think of a more original one. 0-
00
Related Questions