My compositions to be checked

Question

Hi everyone. I would like you to correct my mistakes you'll surely find in my compositions. I think this is the best way to improve my english writing. Here you'll find me posting now and then letters and essays, according to the IELTS Writing format. Thank you in advance!

LETTER 1

You live in an English speaking country and you want to do some voluntary, unpaid work in a developing country. Write a letter to a company called Cultural Expeditions, which organizes such trips. In your letter:

Explain why you want to do the voluntary work.
State what your skills and experience are.
Indicate where you would like to volunteer and for how long.

Begin your letter as follows: Dear Sir / Madam

You should write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in connection with a working announcement I read about last week. I was skimming a medical magazine when my eyes noticed that colourful advertisement on the top of the page.

Talking about my working experiences, I graduated in medicine at the University of Berlin five years ago. From then on I had several working experiences. I started working as an assistant in a small hospital near my city. Then I moved to Bristol where I worked in a infantry school. While in Bristol I took different English certificates, so I improved my English language. Last year I worked in a hospital in Milan, taking care of children who suffered of psychological diseases.

Now I am interested in volunteering in South Africa for nearly a year. Another destination which wouldn’t displease me is Asia, especially India. What has driven me to apply is the possibility to take care of poor children but also the chance of joining a team of doctors from all over the world to share my experiences with. Since I started my career as a doctor I’ve always loved to stay with children and to look after them.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours faithfully,

Anna Klose

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Hello, Gaetano - and welcome to English Forums. I have underlined some problem areas for you to fix and I have struck out inappropriate text:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in connection with a working announcement I read about last week. ~~I was skimming a medical magazine when my eyes noticed that colourful advertisement on the top of the page.~~

~~Talking about my working experiences,~~ I graduated in medicine at the University of Berlin five years ago. ~~From then on I had several working experiences.~~ I started working as an assistant in a small hospital near my city. Then I moved to Bristol where I worked in a infantry school. While in Bristol I took different English certificates~~, so I improved my English language.~~ Last year I worked in a hospital in Milan, taking care of children who suffered of psychological diseases.

Now I am interested in volunteering in South Africa for nearly a year. Another destination which wouldn’t displease me is Asia, especially India. What has driven me to apply is the possibility to take care of poor children but also the chance of joining a team of doctors from all over the world ~~to share my experiences with~~. Since I started my career as a doctor I’ve always loved to stay with children and to look after them.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours faithfully,

Gaetano · Answer

Hi Mister Micawber and thanks for your fast reply. Here's my review of the letter as you suggested. Feel free to correct every mistake you'll find! Thanks in advance!

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in connection with a job offer I found on last week issue of “Medical Magazine”.

I graduated in medicine at the University of Berlin five years ago. I started working as an assistant in a small hospital near my city. Then I moved to Bristol where I worked in a preschool. While in Bristol I took different English certificates. Last year I worked in a hospital in Milan, taking care of children affected by psychological diseases. I also took a course in facial surgery at the University of Milan.

Now I am interested in volunteering in South Africa for a year. I may also appreciate to volunteer in Asia, especially in India. What has driven me to apply is the possibility to ease poor children’s pain and join a team of doctors from all over the world. Since I started my career as a doctor I always loved to take care of children and to look after them.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours faithfully,

Mister Micawber · Answer

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing in application for your job advertised in last week's issue of “Medical Magazine”. Enclosed/Attached please find my curriculum vitae.

I graduated in medicine from the University of Berlin five years ago and then worked as an assistant in a small hospital near my city. Then I moved to Bristol, where I worked in a preschool. While in Bristol I took several English certificates. Last year I worked in a hospital in Milan, caring for children with psychological problems. I also took a course in cosmetic surgery at the University of Milan. Since I started my career as a doctor, I have particularly enjoyed helping children.

I am interested in volunteering in South Africa, India, or elsewhere in Asia for a year. I am applying because I feel a great need to ease the pain and suffering of children in poverty, and I would like to join a global team of doctors in order to expand my knowledge and experience.

Thank you very much for your consideration. I am looking forward to hearing from you,

Yours faithfully,

Gaetano · Answer

Here's another letter with the same form of the previous one. I wrote this by taking your suggestions into account.

LETTER 2

You have decided to apply for a job as a Spanish instructor that was advertised in the April edition of the magazine Teaching Professional. This ad was posted by Mr John Sullivan, director of the Spanish department at The Language Institute of Great Britain in London, England. In your letter to Mr Sullivan:

explain why you are writing
describe your qualifications and experience
explain how they can contact you

Write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

Dear Mr Sullivan,

I am writing to apply for the Spanish instructor position you advertised on the April issue of the magazine “Teaching Professional”. Enclosed please find my curriculum vitae.

The position presented in this listing is very interesting and I think I have the right skills and experiences to get that job. I am also very concerned with the mission of The Language Institute of Great Britain of spreading Spanish language all over the world.

After graduating in Spanish Literature from the University of Madrid, I started teaching Spanish language in Italy. Then I moved to the USA, precisely in Los Angeles, California. While in Los Angeles I perfected my English and took several English certificates. After having spent ten years there, I came back to Spain and teached at the University of Barcelona.

I can be reached anytime via email at Email Removed or my cellphone, 3470358415.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours sincerely

Mister Micawber · Answer

Dear Mr Sullivan,

I am writing to apply for the Spanish instructor position you advertised on the April issue of ~~the magazine~~“Teaching Professional”. Enclosed please find my curriculum vitae.

~~The position presented in this listing is very interesting and~~ I think I have the right skills and experiences to get that job. ~~I am also very concerned with the mission of The Language Institute of Great Britain of spreading Spanish language all over the world.~~ (Unbelievable!)

After graduating in Spanish Literature from the University of Madrid, I started teaching Spanish ~~language~~ in Italy. Then I moved to the USA, ~~precisely~~ in Los Angeles, California. While in Los Angeles I perfected my English and took several English certificates ('Taking a certificate' really has no meaning without detail). After having spent ten years there, I came back to Spain and teached at the University of Barcelona.

I can be reached anytime via email at (Email removed) or my cellphone, 3470358415.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours sincerely

Gaetano · Answer

Dear Mr Sullivan,

I am writing to apply for the Spanish instructor position you advertised on the April issue of “Teaching Professional”. Enclosed please find my curriculum vitae.

I believe that my strong preparation and my long time experiences worlwide really make me a competitive candidate for this position.

After graduating in Spanish Literature from the University of Madrid, I started teaching Spanish in Italy. Then I moved to Los Angeles, California. While in Los Angeles I perfected my English and took the Certificate of Proficiency in English (CPE) with full marks. I also worked as a language advisor in a team of researchers developing new information technologies. After having spent ten years there, I came back to Spain and taught at the University of Barcelona. Actually I am writing a Spanish book for students which will be in stores next fall.

I can be reached anytime via email at Email Removed or cellphone, 3470358415.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours sincerely

Mister Micawber · Answer

Dear Mr Sullivan,

I am writing to apply for the Spanish instructor position you advertised in the April issue of “Teaching Professional”. Enclosed please find my curriculum vitae.

I believe that my strong preparation and my long time experiences worlwide really make me a competitive candidate for this position. - This sentence says nothing factual at all. Omit it.

After graduating in Spanish Literature from the University of Madrid, I started teaching Spanish in Italy. Then I moved to Los Angeles, California, where I perfected my English and received the Certificate of Proficiency in English (CPE). I also worked as a language advisor in a team of researchers developing new information technologies. After having spent ten years there, I returned to Spain and taught [subject] at the University of Barcelona. I am currently writing a Spanish textbook which will be in stores next fall.

I can be reached anytime via email at (Email removed) or cellphone, 3470358415.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you,

Gaetano · Answer

Thank you very much, Mr. Micawber

Dear Mr Sullivan,

I am writing to apply for the Spanish instructor position you advertised on the April issue of “Teaching Professional”. Enclosed please find my curriculum vitae.

I believe that my strong preparation and my long time experiences worlwide really make me a competitive candidate for this position. - This sentence says nothing factual at all. Omit it. (OK!)

After graduating in Spanish Literature from the University of Madrid, I started teaching Spanish in Italy. Then I moved to Los Angeles, California, where (what should i say in place of where??) I perfected my English and passed the Certificate of Proficiency in English (CPE). I also worked as a language advisor in a team of researchers developing new information technologies. After having spent ten years there, I came back to Spain and taught Spanish at the University of Barcelona. I am actually writing a Spanish workbook which will be in stores next fall.

I can be reached anytime via email at (Email removed) or cellphone, 3470358415.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you,

Mister Micawber · Answer

I underline problems. My corrections are in bold.

Gaetano · Answer

I've understood your way of checking! I'd like you to help me with this sentence:

Then I moved to Los Angeles, California, where I perfected my Engl...

What should I say in place of where? Nothing comes to my mind.

My compositions to be checked

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