MountainHiker I need your suggestions about my essay

Question

Hi everyone! I need some suggestions about my essay. I know I still have some ESL errors, so I need help with my grammar and punctuation.This essay is really important to me because it is my Midterm exam(worth 100 points).According to my teacher this essay should contain:

1. A clearly identifiable thesis
2.A plan of development
3. Three or more supporting points.
4. Conclusion (I am still working on this)
Due Nov 1

DEFINITION ESSAY:
Everyone has a right to an education

What does education mean? The word “education” is defined as the activities of educating, or instructing or teaching that imparts knowledge or skill. According to the Human Right Commission, the right to an education is the development of human potential to the enjoyment of the full range of human rights. Because of this, I personally believe that education is an open window to many good opportunities. Also, it should be a priority for governments to make education available and accessible to everyone.

Education is an open window to many opportunities, one of those opportunities; one of those opportunities is getting a good job. Education can get you into jobs of high level. For most people, salary is a key to make sure that you are receiving a total compensation for what you have done. The salary you will receive by a technician or professional job will represent a superior level of income in society. For example, a time ago, I watched on the television that a person who spent five years or more of his or her life in an educational institution will have more opportunities to get a job than one who did not.

Also, many people share responsibility for the realization of education; however, the primary obligation falls on governments to make it available. They have obligations to respect, provide and fulfill the right to an education. Governments must impart education from basic level to higher level. They should provide educational services and give more priority to instructing people. Schools in many poor countries are not likely to build up enough money for education, so in many cases the levels of education are low. However, countries that do have money fail to include education in their budgets. For example, in The United States the investments in education are low, especially in higher level of education. As a result, many students after graduating cannot afford two-year or four-year institutions such as colleges and universities.

Finally, a priority for governments is to make education accessible. Education should be accessible to every student of all backgrounds regardless of race, sex or religion. In order to make the right of education a reality, governments should provide more opportunities for people-such as low tuition- that will enable them to get an education. For example, it means that if a disabled student finds difficult the use of a service, then an educational institution has to make changes to the service.

I am still working in my conclusion. Do I am focus on the topic?

Thank you,
Pilita

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Pilita,

Here are some quick comments below. I did NOT read your essay thoroughly.

When I see a person saying that she is still working on the conclusion (or whatever part), that tells me that the writer is rushing through the essay. I am looking at their first draft-~~an incomplete draft at that~~-so I know upfront that the quality is poor. [My first drafts are poor too.]

I will try to help people bring their writing skills to a higher level, but I am not going to get dragged into their basic editing process. That is their work, their task.

Your biggest problem is likely that you lack an outline. Consequently you are not sure of what you want to say from one paragraph to the next.

Good luck.
MountainHiker

DEFINITION ESSAY:
Everyone has a right to an education

The word “education” is defined as the activities of educating, or instructing or teaching that imparts knowledge or skill. According to the Human Right Commission, the right to an education is the development of human potential to the enjoyment of the full range of human rights. Because of this, I personally believe that education is an open window to many good opportunities. Also, it should be a priority for governments to make education available and accessible to everyone.

Education is an open window to many opportunities, [including] getting a good job. Education can get you into jobs of high level. For most people, salary is a key to make sure that you are receiving a total compensation for what you have done. The salary you will receive [for a] technic[al] or professional job will represent a superior level of income in society. For example, I [saw] on [] television that a person who spent five years or more of his or her life in an educational institution will have more opportunities to get a job than one who did not.

[Although] many people share responsibility [], the primary obligation falls on governments to make [education] available. They have obligations to respect, provide and fulfill the right to an education. Governments must impart education from basic level to higher level. They should provide educational services and give more priority to instructing people. Schools in many poor countries are not likely to build up enough money for education, so in many cases the levels of education are low. However, countries that do have money fail to include education in their budgets. For example, in The United States the investments in education are low, especially in higher level of education. As a result, many students after graduating cannot afford two-year or four-year institutions such as colleges and universities.

Finally, a priority for governments is to make education accessible. Education should be accessible to every student of all backgrounds regardless of race, *** or religion. In order to make the right of education a reality, governments should provide more opportunities for people-such as low tuition- that will enable them to get an education. For example, it means that if a disabled student finds difficult the use of a service, then an educational institution has to make changes to the service.

I am still working in my conclusion. Do I am focus on the topic?

Thank you,
Pilita

Julielai · Answer

You still have not answered the main question: why should everyone have a right to education?

Julielai · Answer

I'll give you a tip (Hope MountainHiker won't come after me for this):

Access to education is necessary if you want an informed citizenry. A good education helps a citizen perform his/her civic duties, no?

Anonymous · Answer

If you could help me edit my essay it would be great!!! (sorry it's a bit long!)

359 B.C to 150 B.C. was a time of vast changes advancements. Firstly, the Macedonian Empire conquered many under the direction of their kings. Secondly, the Macedonians conquered the Greeks and a Hellenistic culture evolved. Thirdly, Macedonia had two powerful kings (who reigned at different times.) Fourthly, after Alexander the Great’s death three generals took over. Lastly, the influences from ancient civilizations and leaders are still prevalent today.
The Macedonians took over many empires and much land with the help of their main leaders of the time, Philip II and Alexander the Great. Philip II’s conquering began after the Peloponnesian war weakened Greek city-states. The Greek city-states experienced a lower level of military and economic power after the war. Philip II noticed these changes with in the city states and decided to take advantage. He used fast horses to trample disorganized enemies and broke through the enemy’s line using phalanxes.
The Macedonians conquered the Greeks and a Hellenistic culture evolved. The battle between the Macedonians and the Greeks started when Athens and Thebes ignored a warning about an attack, later they decided to unite, but it was too late. The Macedonians beat the Greeks at the battle of Chaeronea. Phillip II took over all of Greece except Sparta. He was to do all of this because firstly, he improved and used the phalanx military formation, which is a military formation where men stand in even lines. Secondly, the Greeks couldn’t unite. Thirdly, is bribery, and lastly, was intermarriage. After Macedonia conquered the Greeks, the city-states governed their selves for local issues, but they were under the power of Macedonia. Philip II planned to invade Persia but he never live to see the battle because he was killed by a former guard; a theory is that his wife arranged the killing. Philip’s son became the next king; his name was Alexander which later became Alexander the Great. His first move as king was killing 6,000 Thebean’s because they rebelled. This made other Greek city-states give up the idea of a possible idea of rebellion. Alexander conquered many lands during his time as king. Not only did he conquer the lands, but he learned the cultures. In fact Alexander married a Persian woman and dressed like a Persian. Alexander fulfilled one of his fathers dreams by taking control of Persia. After eleven years of battling and taking over new land he let his worn out soldiers go back home. Alexander the Great died at the early age of thirty-two because of malaria, which is caused by a mosquito bite. After his death trade and common language continue to link tie cities together from the building grounds that Alexander formed. Greek culture mixed with Egyptian, Persian, and Indian. This is called Hellenistic culture. Alexander (a city that Alexander the Great created) became the center of Hellenism.
There were two very powerful kings during this time period, their names were Philip II and Alexander the Great. Philip II was a great person to head up the Macedonian empire. He was an aggressive and courageous king. Phillip II became king at twenty-three and was a outstanding general and politician Another great leader of the time was Alexander the Great, (Philip II’s son who took over when he died.) Aristotle was his teacher in his early years which may be part of the reason he became so accomplished. Alexander became a general at 16. Alexander was twenty years old when he became king. Macedonia became powerful because of the professional army that Philip II created and intelligent battle tactics.
After Alexander the Great’s death, many Macedonians generals fought for control of the empire. Three won, the first being Antigonus who became the king of Macedonia and took control of Greek city-states. The second is Ptolemy who took control of Egypt and took on the title of Pharaoh. The last general is Seleucus who took over most of the old Persian Empire. These new kings ditched democracy and took complete power in their new territory.
The influences from ancient civilizations and leaders of this time are still prevalent today. Much advancement was made during this time in literature, science, medicine, and math. Some examples of these advancements are Archimedes and the discovery of pi and his findings in geometry. The nervous system was also discovered around this time. Even more important than mathematical findings is the influence of cultural mixing. Civilizations in the modern world continue to be influenced by many different cultures. The area that Alexander conquered remains as nations of many different cultures.

MountainHiker I need your suggestions about my essay

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