Mountainhiker can you give me a hand?

Question

Dear Mountainhiker,

I want this motivation letter to be the best so I´ve done mine based on what you say in this website and in the examples of other mottivation letters.

Can you please check it and tell me what to correct?, thanks a lot!

Dear Srs of the Admissions Comitee,

Having majored in Industrial Microbiology I would like to specialize in Plant Sciences and learn more about bioremediation, biological control and plant breeding.

During my last years of high school I was in the top 5 students in chemistry, biology and calculus. Since then, I became attracted by nature and how we can take advantage of its richness and variety in my country so I decided to study Industrial Microbiology. When I was taking the Environmental Microbiology course, the new technologies used in biological control caught my attention. So I attended very interesting forums in Corpo-*** about its advances in Brazil.

I wanted to take advantage of speaking English so that was the way to open an American place for university practice for students of my career at The *** Sate University. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but in order to avoid visa issues this was not possible. I traveled to ***, OH to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries about other areas I could study on. I
was fascinated about the idea of improving the production of Cassava, so doing biotechnology research I could improve the production of many other tropical plants. And finally the third area that I like the most is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I have always been attracted to this area so I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called “Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals”

During my work at The *** State University I learned what it is to work hard because of the visa deadline, so the group and I had to have everything done by that time. It was a very beneficial stay because I did my research work at once, so this was very advantageous since I could graduate earlier than most of my classmates.

I find all these three areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to open an enterprise or a laboratory with products that attack the principles illness in flowers or whether work on investigation about plant breeding or improve the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Dear Srs [you need to fix this] of the Admissions Comitee,

Having majored in Industrial Microbiology I would like to specialize in Plant Sciences and learn more about bioremediation, biological control and plant breeding. [This needs to be stronger. Are you going for a bachelor’s degree, Ph.D, job, and you just want to have lunch with the director?]

During my last year[] of high school I was [among] the top [five] students in chemistry, biology and calculus. Since then, I became attracted by nature and how we can take advantage of its richness and variety in my country [which is what?] so I decided to study Industrial Microbiology. When I was taking the Environmental Microbiology course, the new technologies used in biological control caught my attention. So I attended very interesting forums in Corpo-*** about its advances in Brazil. [You need to strengthen this paragraph.]

I wanted to take advantage of speaking English so that was the way to open an American place for university practice for students of my career at The *** S[t]ate University. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but in order to avoid visa issues this was not possible. I traveled to ***, OH to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries about other areas I could study on. I was fascinated about the idea of improving the production of Cassava, so doing biotechnology research I could improve the production of many other tropical plants. And finally the third area that I like the most is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I have always been attracted to this area so I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called “Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals” [You’ve got good material in here, but your organization leaves a lot to be desired. What is the main point of this paragraph? Is it to learn English? It is your experience, or what is it?]

During my work at The *** State University I learned what it is to work hard because of the visa deadline, so the group and I had to have everything done by that time. It was a very beneficial stay because I did my research work at once, so this was very advantageous since I could graduate earlier than most of my classmates. [needs to be tighter and more focused.]

I find all these three areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to open an enterprise or a laboratory with products that attack the principles illness in flowers or whether work on investigation about plant breeding or improve the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

[Try rewriting your stuff and making it more focused. Then we’ll look at it again.]

MountainHiker

Andrejuli · Answer

Dear MountainHiker, I did the corrections you told me and restructured some things. Thanks a lot for it. I hope everything is much better now...

Dear Admissions Committee,

Having majored in Industrial Microbiology I would like to do my Master on Plant Sciences and work whether on bioremediation, biological control or plant biotechnology.

During my last year of high school I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology and calculus. Since then, I became attracted by nature and how we can take advantage of its richness and variety in Colombia so I decided to study Industrial Microbiology. When I was taking the Environmental Microbiology course, the new technologies used in biological control caught my attention. So I attended very interesting forums in Corpo-*** about its advances in Brazil what made me decide that this is a very interesting area and in my country will be very advantageous to have researched on it.

I wanted to take advantage of speaking English so that was the way to open an American place for university practice for students of my career at The *** State University. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but in order to avoid visa issues this was not possible.

Being in Ohio, I traveled to *** to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries about other areas I could study on. I was fascinated about the idea of improving the production of Cassava, so doing biotechnology research I could improve the production of many other tropical plants, which is why I am so interested in your laboratory of Plant Breeding. I can see myself doing genetic modifications involved in starch biosynthesis. And finally the third area that I like the most is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I have always been attracted to this area so I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called “Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals”. I would like to focus on this last two areas because are very productive to my country.

During my work at The *** State University I learned to work hard because of the visa deadline. Thanks to the group everything was done by that time what was very beneficial and advantageous since I did my research work at once, then I could graduate earlier than most of my classmates.

I find all these three areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to start an enterprise or a laboratory with products that attack the principles illness in flowers or whether work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

MountainHiker · Answer

Hi,

It is better but it still needs a lot of work. As I read through your letter, I am trying to pick up the key themes or attributes, and I am finding it difficult. You need to reduce the clutter and make your statements more direct.

For example,

Having majored in Industrial Microbiology I would like to do my Master on Plant Sciences and work whether on bioremediation, biological control or plant biotechnology.

During my last year of high school I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology and calculus. Since then, I became attracted by nature and how we can take advantage of its richness and variety in Colombia so I decided to study Industrial Microbiology. When I was taking the Environmental Microbiology course, the new technologies used in biological control caught my attention. So I attended very interesting forums in Corpo-*** about its advances in Brazil what made me decide that this is a very interesting area and in my country will be very advantageous to have researched on it.

that seems too wordy and indirect. See if you can restructure your opening paragraphs.

Also, I would avoid stuff about visas etc. I would say, however, that you are an efficient worker, but leave the legalities and other challenges out. That is just part of being a foreign student.

MountainHiker

Andrejuli · Answer

Dear Mountainhiker, thanks for your corrections, I hope now is much better. I deleted some sentences to make the areas of what I want to study, more focused.

Dr. S. I.
Admissions Committee
Boomenweg 2
0123 ***
(The country)

Dear Dr. S.I,

having majored in Industrial Microbiology I would like to do my Master on Biotechnology and work whether on bioremediation of contaminated soil and ground water or plant biotechnology.

During my last year of high school I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology and calculus. Since then, I became attracted by nature and how we can take advantage of its richness and variety in Colombia so I decided to study Industrial Microbiology.

I wanted to take advantage of speaking English so that was the way to open an American place for university practice for students of my career at The *** State University. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but this was not possible.

Being in Ohio, I traveled to *** to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries about other areas I could study on. I was fascinated about the idea of improving the production of Cassava, so doing biotechnology research I could improve the production of many other tropical plants, which is why I am so interested in your laboratory of Plant Breeding. I can see myself doing genetic modifications involved in starch biosynthesis. And the second area that I like the most is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I have always been attracted to this area so I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called “Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals”. I have seen Dr. Schraa work and I am very enthusiastic on working with him. I would like to focus on these last two areas because are very productive to my country.

During my work at The *** State University I learned to work hard. Thanks to the group everything was done by the time I had to come back to *** what was very beneficial and advantageous since I did my research work at once, therefore I could graduate earlier than most of my classmates.

I find these two areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

MountainHiker · Answer

Hi,

English is obviously a second language for you, so I am going to give you more help than I normally give others. I don't have time right now, but I will try tomorrow or this weekend. Your letter sounds a bit awkward to native English speakers. So what I will try to do is rewrite certain portions based on what you have said. And then I will let you adjust it.

If writing is going to be a substantial portion of your grad degree, you are going to have some difficulty.

Just so we are clear: I will not rewrite your entire work for you. I will just assist by removing some of the rough edges.

MountainHiker

Andrejuli · Answer

Hi mountainhiker thank you a lot!, you dont know how I appreciate this. I will wait for your reply, again thank you very much indeed.

andrejuli

MountainHiker · Answer

Dr. S. I.
Admissions Committee
Boomenweg 2
0123 ***
(The country)

Dear Dr. S.I,

having majored in Industrial Microbiology I would like to do my Master on Biotechnology and work whether on bioremediation of contaminated soil and ground water or plant biotechnology.

During my last year of high school I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology and calculus. Since then, I became attracted by nature and how we can take advantage of its richness and variety in Colombia so I decided to study Industrial Microbiology.

I wanted to take advantage of speaking English so that was the way to open an American place for university practice for students of my career at The *** State University. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but this was not possible.

Being in Ohio, I traveled to *** to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries about other areas I could study on. I was fascinated about the idea of improving the production of Cassava, so doing biotechnology research I could improve the production of many other tropical plants, which is why I am so interested in your laboratory of Plant Breeding. I can see myself doing genetic modifications involved in starch biosynthesis. And the second area that I like the most is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I have always been attracted to this area so I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called "Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals". I have seen Dr. Schraa work and I am very enthusiastic on working with him. I would like to focus on these last two areas because are very productive to my country.

During my work at The *** State University I learned to work hard. Thanks to the group everything was done by the time I had to come back to *** what was very beneficial and advantageous since I did my research work at once, therefore I could graduate earlier than most of my classmates.

I find these two areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

Dr. S. I.
Admissions Committee
Boomenweg 2
0123 ***
(The country)

Dear Dr. S.I: (colon if in North America)

I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Industrial Microbiology from XYZ University in 200X. To further my education, I want to apply for a Master's in Biotechnology at (university) with specialization in bioremediation of contaminated soil and ground water or plant biotechnology.

I have always maintained a high academic standard. In high school, I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology, and calculus. Biology was of particular interest to me because of the richness of biodiversity of plant life within Colombia. Thus I decided to study Industrial Microbiology. [The link from biodiversity to industrial microbiology seems a bit weak. Perhaps, you can think of a closer or better link?]

When I was in Ohio, I traveled to *** to meet with Dr R.S. which whom I have extensive interests in several areas of research I am fascinated with the potential of improving the production of Cassava. If we are able to accomplish this task, then using biotechnology we could improve the production of many other tropical plants. Being able to improve the production of other tropical plants is of great interest to me and why I am interested in your laboratory of plant breeding. I would to learn more about and engage in genetic modifications for starch biosynthesis. A second area of research that I am passionate about is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I have always been attracted to this area [because why??] so I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called "Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals". I have seen Dr. Schraa work and I am very enthusiastic on working with him. I would like to focus on these last two areas because are very productive to my country. [We need to do more work on this paragraph. Have a look at it and see what you think.]

I am a studious and hard worker. I was able to complete my research ahead of schedule, which allowed me to graduate earlier than most of my classmates.

[When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments. ....put aside for now...these paragraphs will be easy to "tune" once we are happy with everything else.]

Andrejuli · Answer

Thank you MH for your corrections, now looks much better, you were right about the awkward of my paper. I did the corrections you told me and wrote you something about one sentence in the fourth paragraph.

Willing for your answer and thank you very much for being so special.

Dr. S. I.
Admissions Committee
Boomenweg 2
0123 ***
(The country)

Dear Dr. S.I:

I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Industrial Microbiology from XYZ University in 200X. To further my education, I want to apply for a Master's in Biotechnology at (university) with specialization in bioremediation of contaminated soil and ground water or plant biotechnology.

I have always maintained a high academic standard. In high school, I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology, and calculus. Biology was of particular interest to me because of the richness of biodiversity of plant life within Colombia. Besides this, I wanted to learn more about the deep inside of the industrial processes that include microbes. Thus I decided to study Industrial Microbiology.

[In the next paragraph I wanted to highlight the fact of being the only one on going out to do so. The part of open an American place might not be that important]. Because we have to do a university practice, I wanted to do it in an English speaking country. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but this was not possible. [In this paragraph I want to enumerate a personal and a kind of professional goal. This last one is more about to let them know that because she liked my way of work, she wanted me to work with her].

When I was in Ohio, I traveled to *** to meet with Dr R.S. which whom I have extensive interests in several areas of research. .

Being in Ohio, I traveled to *** to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries about other areas I could study on. I am fascinated with the potential of improving the production of Cassava. If we are able to accomplish this task, then using biotechnology we could improve the production of many other tropical plants. Being able to improve the production of other tropical plants is of great interest to me and why I am interested in your laboratory of plant breeding. I would to learn more about and engage in genetic modifications for starch biosynthesis. A second area of research that I am passionate about is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I became attracted to this area from the beginning of my career since I read an article in Applied Environmental Microbiology about plants and microalgaes that catch heavy metals. So I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called “Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals”. Among this, I have seen Dr. Schraa work and I am very enthusiastic on working with him. I would like to focus on these last two areas because are very productive to my country.

I am a studious and hard worker. I was able to complete my research ahead of schedule, which allowed me to graduate earlier than most of my classmates and I was also in the honored group of the biochemistry class.

I find these two areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

MountainHiker · Answer

Dr. S. I.
Admissions Committee
Boomenweg 2
0123 ***
(The country)

Dear Dr. S.I:

I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Industrial Microbiology from XYZ University in 200X. To further my education, I want to apply for a Master's in Biotechnology at (university) with specialization in bioremediation of contaminated soil and ground water or plant biotechnology.

I have always maintained a high academic standard. In high school, I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology, and calculus. Biology was of particular interest to me because of the rich and biodiverse plant life in Colombia. Besides this, I wanted to learn more about the deep inside of the industrial processes that include microbes. [This seems like quite a leap...how do you go from enjoying beauty to want to study industrial processes?] Thus I decided to study Industrial Microbiology.

[In the next paragraph I wanted to highlight the fact of being the only one on going out to do so. The part of open an American place might not be that important]. Because we have to do a university practice [don't understand?], I wanted to do it in an English speaking country. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes. She proposed that I be her technician as a replacement since I was working in her lab, but this was not possible. [In this paragraph I want to enumerate a personal and a kind of professional goal. This last one is more about to let them know that because she liked my way of work, she wanted me to work with her]. [You need to focus on what your message is here. Is it that you went to the States? Or is it that a prof liked your work? Or is it that you like to accept challenges and always perform well, and going to the States and being recognized for good work is just an example? But if you are going to discuss your prof, you now have to discuss WHY you couldn't accept. Everything has to be clean, tight, and focused.]

When I was in Ohio, I traveled to *** to meet with Dr R.S. which whom I have extensive interests in several areas of research. . [yeah, scrap it then]

Being in Ohio, I traveled to *** to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I extended my boundaries [doesn't make sense...not sure what you mean by boundaries] about other areas I could study on. I am fascinated with the potential of improving the production of Cassava, tall man eating plant?. If we are able to accomplish this task, then using biotechnology we will be able to improve the production of many other tropical plants. Being able to improve the production of other tropical plants is of great interest to me [because I want to become the world's best plant breeder?]. I want to learn more about and engage in genetic modifications for starch biosynthesis [because why?]. [Try to summarize this paragraph.]

[Is your second area of research important to highlight?]
A second area of research that I am passionate about is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I became attracted to this area from the beginning of my career since I read an article in Applied Environmental Microbiology about plants and microalgaes that catch heavy metals. So I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called "Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals". Among this, I have seen Dr. Schraa work and I am very enthusiastic on working with him. I would like to focus on these last two areas because are very productive to my country.

I am a studious and hard worker. I was able to complete my research ahead of schedule, which allowed me to graduate earlier than most of my classmates and I was also in the honored group of the biochemistry class.

I find these two areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

Andrejuli · Answer

Thank you very much again for your corrections, looks like quite a work my letter...!

I did what you told me, and I added a sentence that was your thought, exactly what I wanted to say, and seems to me that match perfect at the begining of the paragraph.
Here it goes...

Dr. S. I.
Admissions Committee
Boomenweg 2
0123 ***
(The country)

Dear Dr. S.I:

I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Industrial Microbiology from XYZ University in 200X. To further my education, I want to apply for a Master's in Biotechnology at (university) with specialization in bioremediation of contaminated soil and ground water or plant biotechnology.

I have always maintained a high academic standard. In high school, I was among the top five students in chemistry, biology, and calculus. Biology was of particular interest to me because of the richness of biodiversity of plant life within Colombia. Besides this, I wanted to learn more about the microscopic world and how these microorganisms could be beneficial in our day to day. Thus I decided to study Industrial Microbiology.

I like to accept challenges and I always perform well, and going to the States and being recognized for good work is just an example. In order to do a mandatory university practice, I wanted to do it in an English speaking country. Therefore I was the only student in the semester for going to a foreign country to do so. Later on, working in ***, OH, I interviewed with Dr S. M., whose area is in biological control in legumes, proposed me to be her technician as a replacement since I was working in a bench of her lab, but this was not possible because of my student visa status.

Being in Ohio, I traveled to *** to talk with Dr R. S. with whom I knew a very interesting area I could study on. I am fascinated with the potential of improving genetically the production of Cassava. If we are able to accomplish this task, then using biotechnology we could improve the production of many other tropical plants of my country what is of great interest to me and why I am interested in your laboratory of plant breeding.

A second area of research that I am passionate about and is the bioremediation of heavy metals from different environments. I became attracted to this area from the beginning of my career since I read an article in Applied Environmental Microbiology about plants and microalgaes that catch heavy metals. So I prepared a seminar for the molecular biology class called “Molecular mechanisms of plants for up taking heavy metals”. Among this, I have seen Dr. Schraa work and I am very enthusiastic on working with him. I would like to focus on these last two areas because are very productive to my country.

I am a studious and hard worker. I was able to complete my research ahead of schedule, which allowed me to graduate earlier than most of my classmates and I was also in the honored group of the biochemistry class.

I find these two areas possible to develop at *** University along with the interesting culture of *** (that country) and the facility of traveling to many different countries, what is my passion.

When I arrive to *** (my country) I expect to work on investigation about plant breeding or improving the plants capabilities to catch heavy metals in order to use them in affected environments.

Mountainhiker can you give me a hand?

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions