Motivational letter - undergraduate architecture, need review + critique

Hello, I require some help in reviewing my personal statement. I have liberally circulated it among friends and teachers however thought it would be helpful to get an opinion from a complete stranger. 500 - 1000 words, motivational letter as to why I wish to apply to this particular university for their Undergraduate BA in Architecture.

University of XXX
March 5^TH, 2015

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your undergraduate Bachelor’s of Architecture, starting in 2015. My career ambition is to be at the forefront of the architectural design industry – particularly the paradigm shift towards technological development and integration in urban landscapes.

I graduated with a Social – Economics option International Baccalaureate and the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) at same institution (CIV, Centre International de Valbonne) in June 2011. Due to certain familial and financial events, there is a noticeable four year gap in my education. This has not, however held me back in my unquenchable thirst for education nor experience; I consider myself a student of adeptness and have sought out every opportunity to further develop my accomplishments.

My initiation into design began two years ago upon moving to Cape Town. Renown for its vibrancy and innovation, it was notably voted the design capital of the world, 2014 – all of which was been conductive to a thriving, pioneering community in innovation. As co-founder of an organized, themed community called The Language Collective, This Must Be The Place I have expanded both leadership and communication skills, learnt the art of finessing funds from future participants and the deftness of delegation. The organization of our camp is such that each key member has the autonomy to perform ones tasks to the best of ones capability. As one of the team leaders, I was responsible for the even distribution of duties and the necessary sprinkle of subtle management every now and then to ensure a seamless operation.

The fascination with architecture began from a historical point of interest. The sophistication and adroitness vital to the construct of ancient marvels such as Derinnkuyu The Underground City (Turkey) or the Sanchi Stupa of Madya Pradesh (India) inspires me to push the limitations of our technical capabilities and understand the fully cohesive nature of ingenuity vs. integration.

The relationship bridging man and structural design became apparent during my participation on the Biorock project (Thailand). A freestanding geodesic dome; its purpose to stimulate coral restoration through the clever use of electrical pulses run through the metal frame. These impulses favor coral growth - particularly in less than ideal conditions, and work to reverse damage done to reefs by ocean temperature fluctuations. Working as a marine conservationist, one of our many duties was the analysis and maintenance of the dome as well as ways to improve upon this technology. This opportunity allowed me to explore the human impact on the environment, hence the unambiguous correlation of cause/effect. Through direct first hand experience, I understood that when introducing a synthetic composition into an organic terrain, to circumvent possible rejection - a flawless application of integration must be executed.

The time spent observing and investigating the symbiotic relationship of man and his tools has propelled me to envision an interlinking network of information that can be accessed with an ease that rivals our archaic notion of what is perceived as an apparent intrinsic behavior. This concept harmonizes environmental factors, structural demands and a demographic that is ever changing in its interpretation of its immediate needs.

I believe your university will be instrumental in my development as a young mind of the future. University XXXXX is formidable in its reputation as a world leader in architectural design combining many technical and analytical methods culminating in an excellent approach to this craft. From my personal research and interaction with students and professors from your university, I am convinced this is the right choice for myself. I am confident this framework will expand my current theoretical and practical notions, aiding the evolution from conceptualization to concretization. By use of available facilities, XXXXX will let me acquire skills and mastery of great distinction. I will gain indispensible work experience, knowledge and will readily make use of the provided expertise.

By way of unconventional personal history, I would be an asset to any institution. I negotiate with aplomb, am dynamic in my approach to problem solving, and am passionate when arguing a cause worth fighting for. Given the opportunity I hope to excel and enrich the program by putting forth an open natured, ambitious attitude. My international background is sure to benefit fellow students and professors alike enabling an overall productive education.

Thank you for considering my application, I look forwards to your acceptance.

Sincerely,

XXXXX