Motivation Letter - Help Pls

Question

Can you comment on my motivation letter? I am applying to X University in Finland to study my second bachelor.

Note: The word "Sisu" means: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisu

Here is my motivation letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to apply to the Bachelor's Programme in XYZ starting in September 2011. I know that there is increased demand for skilled economists who can undertake the role as tomorrow's information leaders and I want to be one of them.

During my undergraduate studies at Economics Faculty of T University, courses like Information Technology, Decision Making Techniques, Financial Accounting, Banking and Financial Institutions, Financial Analysis, International Money and Finance interested me the most. Due to lack of information system science courses, I tried to bridge the gap by gaining some professional experience. I worked as a service personnel for six months at Adidas IT department. Consequently, I was participating in establishment and usage of IT systems that support organizations on the operational levels.

I realized that it is substantial to provide connection between finance, operations and information technology. Especially, exponential growth of IT is increasing the demand of more value from the function. In this direction, I feel that I need more international environment in order to improve my leadership, project handling, technical aspects and the entrepreneurship abilities. Through the instrument of academic environment, I can enrich my knowledge in the fields of my interests and shape my career path clearly.

There are effective reasons to choose Finland. I want to spend my life with educated people whose hearth is filled with Sisu. Additionally, Finland's competitive IT market conditions can provide me the opportunity to reach my vision of founding an international finance corporation specialized in IT.

I want to study at X University because of your world class education system, career services, excellent facilities and above all, international networks. CEMS MIM program is a great opportunity for excellent international course experience at top universities and connection with multinational companies. Moreover, from speaking with TSAF members, I am pretty confident of my decision.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Name Surname

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hello quanom;

Welcome to the Forums!
I will give you some feedback on your letter. Please consider this as constructive criticism of your letter, and not anything critical about yourself.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I wish to apply (you are not really wishing, but applying, aren't you?) to the Bachelor's Programme in XYZ starting in September 2011. I know that there is increased demand for
skilled economists who can undertake the role as tomorrow's information leaders (I'm not sure what an information leader is. Can you be more specific? Economists model and analyze financial data, and advise policy makers or investors based on their knowledge of the past. ) and I want to be one of them.
During my undergraduate studies at Economics Faculty of T University,
courses like Information Technology, Decision-Making Techniques,
Financial Accounting, Banking and Financial Institutions, Financial
Analysis, International Money and Finance interested me the most.(If these are exact course titles, then it is OK to capitalize them. But if they are just subject areas, do not capitalize them.)

Due to lack of information system science courses (At least be consisten in you capitalization.), I tried to bridge the gap
by gaining some professional experience. I worked as a service technician? ~~personnel~~
for six months in at Adidas' IT department. Consequently, I was
participating in establishment (? the installation) and usage of IT systems that support organizations on the operational levels. (You might give a sentence on something you learned from the experience.)

I realized that it is essential ~~substantial~~ to provide connection (collaboration?) between finance, operations and information technology. Especially, exponential growth of IT (What growth are you describing - the increase in power of systems, the prevalence of IT in businesses, the cost of IT, or the global reach of technology?) is increasing the demand of more value from the function. (I don't think this last sentence is very clear. Do you mean the value of computing itself, or its cost/benefit ratios?)
In this (which?) direction, I feel that I need more international ~~environment~~ experience(?) in order to improve my leadership, project ~~handling~~ management skills(?) , appreciation of the (?) technical aspects and ~~the~~ entrepreneurship abilities. Through the instrument of academic environment, I can enrich my knowledge in the fields of my interests and shape my career path clearly. (This is a very general statement. It applies to everyone and it says nothing about you.)

There are effective reasons to choose Finland. I want to spend ~~my life~~ time(?) (after all, this is not your entire life, but only a few years) with educated people whose hearths are is filled with Sisu. Additionally, Finland's competitive IT market conditions can provide me the opportunity to reach my vision of founding an international finance corporation specializinged in IT. (Do you want to remain in Finland as an entrepreuneur? Or do you want to be an economist as you mentioned in your first paragraph? )

I want to study at X University because of your world-class education
system, career services, excellent facilities and above all,
international networks. The CEMS MIM program is a great opportunity for excellent international course experience at top universities (I assume this is an scholastic exchange / internship program that you are describing.) and connection with multinational companies. Moreover, from speaking with TSAF members, I am pretty confident of my decision.

Quanom · Answer

Thank you very much for your constructive response. I'm working on it and will post soon.

Quanom · Answer

(I'm not sure what an information leader is. Can you be more specific? Economists model and analyze financial data, and advise policy makers or investors based on their knowledge of the past.)

(Do you want to remain in Finland as an entrepreuneur? Or do you want to be an economist as you mentioned in your first paragraph? )

In this situation, those investors and policy makers are operating in IT industry. My first career mission is to provide them with additional data as an economist.

As for my vision, my career path should be stepwise. Firstly, I want to improve myself as an economist. Then, when I have enough experience, I want to be one of those policy makers, IT managers or investors. And in the long run, I want to be an entrepreneur of a corporation specializing in financial aspects of IT management in Finland.

Should I put these in first paragraph or another and how?

(You might give a sentence on something you learned from the experience.)

Actually, next paragraph was "meant to be" something I learned from the experience. Should I combine those paragraphs?

(What growth are you describing - the increase in power of systems, the prevalence of IT in businesses, the cost of IT, or the global reach of technology?)

I meant global reach of information technologies. Here is an example for this argument:

http://www.mckinseyquarterly.com/Business_Technology/IT_growth_and_global_change_A_conversation_with_Ray_Kurzweil_2728

(I don't think this last sentence is very clear. Do you mean the value of computing itself, or its cost/benefit ratios?)

I meant cost/benefit ratios.

(I assume this is an scholastic exchange / internship program that you are describing.)

Here it is: http://www.cems.org/mim

The version below is out of grammer errors that you mentioned.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I’m applying to the Bachelor’s Programme in XYZ starting in September 2011. I know that there is increased demand for skilled economists who can undertake the role as tomorrow’s information leaders and I want to be one of them.

During my undergraduate studies at Economics Faculty of T university, courses like Information Technology, Decision Making Techniques, Financial Accounting, Banking and Financial Institutions, Financial Analysis, International Money and Finance interested me the most. Due to lack of Information System Science courses, I tried to bridge the gap by gaining some professional experience. I worked as a service technician for six months in Adidas’ IT department. Consequently, I was participating in installation and usage of IT systems that support organizations on the operational level.

I realized that it is essential to provide collaboration between finance, operations and information technology. Especially, exponential growth of technology is increasing the demand of more value from the function. To meet the demand, I feel that I need more international experience and academic environment in order to be able to create new financial analysing methods and to improve project management skills, appreciation of the technical aspects and entrepreneurship abilities.

There are effective reasons to choose Finland. I want to spend my time with educated people whose hearth are filled with Sisu. Additionally, Finland’s competitive IT market conditions can provide me the opportunity to reach my vision of founding an international finance corporation specializing in IT.

I want to study at X University because of your world class education system, career services, excellent facilities and above all, international networks. The CEMS MIM program is a great opportunity for excellent international course experience at top universities and connection with multinational companies. Moreover, from speaking with Turkish Student Association of Finland members, I am pretty confident of my decision.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Name Surname

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi;
The reason why I asked these questions is because your evaluators might be asking themselves the same questions. I didn't expect you to answer them for my sake, but I hoped that you would clarify your motivation letter on these points for the evaluators.

One point of grammar that you missed:

quanomI want to spend my time with educated people whose hearths are filled with Sisu.

I don't have time now for any more detailed comments.

Regards,
A-

s

Quanom · Answer

I revised my letter again.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I’m applying to the Bachelor’s Programme in X starting in September 2011. I know that there is increased demand for skilled economists who can undertake the role as tomorrow’s information leaders and I want to be one of them.

During my undergraduate studies at Economics Faculty of T University, courses like Information Technology, Decision Making Techniques, Financial Accounting, Banking and Financial Institutions, Financial Analysis, International Money and Finance interested me the most.

Due to lack of Information System Science courses, I tried to bridge the gap by gaining some professional experience. I worked as a service technician for six months in Adidas’ IT department. Consequently, I was participating in installation and usage of IT systems that support organizations on the operational level. Hereby, I realized that it is essential to provide collaboration between finance, operations and information technology. Especially, exponential growth of technology is increasing the demand of more value from the function which can be overcomed by increasing staff efficiency and reduce operational costs. To meet the demand, I feel that I need more international experience and academic environment in order to be able to create new financial analysing methods and to improve project management skills, appreciation of the technical aspects and entrepreneurship abilities.

There are effective reasons to choose Finland. I want to spend my time with educated people whose hearths are filled with Sisu. Additionally, when I gain enough experience and leadership skills as an economist, Finland’s competitive IT market conditions can provide me the opportunity to reach my vision of founding an international finance corporation specializing in IT.

I want to study at Z University because of your world class education system, career services, excellent facilities and above all, international networks. The CEMS MIM program is a great opportunity for excellent international course experience at top universities and connection with multinational companies. Moreover, from speaking with Turkish Student Association of Finland members, I am pretty confident of my decision.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Name Surname

Motivation Letter - Help Pls

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions