Motivation letter => Workshop

Question

Hello all

I have to write a motivation letter to participate at an international workshop.
My english is not the best, so I thought i will post it here, because I saw that MountainHiker do a very great job.
This workshop would be a dream for me, so I want to have the best letter than possible

.

Information about the workshop: http://move.hevs.ch/f/international-workshop.asp

could you also look the representation?

Now to my letter: (big thanks in advance)

Street + nr
*** ***

25th November 2004
Haute école valaisanne
Bureau Move
Karin Amos
Route du Rawyl 47
Case postale 2134
1950 Sion

Motivation letter (bold)

Dear Ms. Amos,

I am writing to apply for a member at the “8th International Workshop 2005 in China“.

Since I experienced about this Workshop, I begun to research the project and I was immediately convinced that I will apply for it. Because this would be a unique event in my life, which I would certainly never forget.

I see many positive arguments participating at this Workshop. On the one hand that would be the attendance of a strange country, which I could not visit ever. With my openness and communication joy, I could exchange cultural, personal or economical experiences with students from other countries.

Because all of this happens in English, I could naturally need and improve my English knowledge in practice. Above all, the economic linguistic usage could be very useful for my future. While mine stay for one month in England (Hastings) I could also gain experiences.

In the intended management game I could convert my learned abilities and collect experiences for future work. With the visits of the Chinese companies I could learn much over the function of the future economic-market, which interests me much. These whole arguments would serve surely for my personal advancement.

For me, the time delay by the Workshop and the preparations would not be a problem, because I have no problem in the school and it make me a joy to invest time for this experience. Naturally it would also make me proud to represent Switzerland and above all the HEVs in China.

Please feel free to contact me if you require further information or would like to schedule an interview. I appreciate your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

*** ***

Nona the brit · Accepted Answer

I am writing to apply for a member at the 1 “8th International Workshop 2005 in China“.

Since I experienced 2about this Workshop, I begun to research the project and I was immediately convinced that I will apply for it. Because this would be a unique event in my life, which I would certainly never forget. 3

I see many positive arguments4 participating at this Workshop. On the one hand 5that would be the attendance of a strange country, which I could not visit ever6. With my openness and communication joy7, I could exchange cultural, personal or economical experiences with students from other countries.

Because all of this happens in English, I could naturally need and improve my English knowledge in practice. Above all, the economic linguistic usage could be very useful for my future. While mine stay for one month in England (Hastings) I could also gain experiences.

In the intended management game I could convert my learned abilities and collect experiences for future work. With the visits of the Chinese companies I could learn much over the function of the future economic-market, which interests me much. These whole arguments would serve surely for my personal advancement.

For me, the time delay by the Workshop and the preparations would not be a problem, because I have no problem in the school and it make me a joy to invest time for this experience. Naturally it would also make me proud to represent Switzerland and above all the HEVs in China.

Please feel free to contact me if you require further information or would like to schedule an interview. I appreciate your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

*** ***
Some help for you. You need to go through your letter and check your choice of words as some of them are not appropriate.
1. I would like to apply for the Workshop...
2. heard...
3. You should re-phrase this paragraph into one simple sentence
4. benefits in
5. 'On the one hand' - this phrase is used with a counter-argument (a reason why you would not want to attend) so leave this out.
6. otherwise, not ever.
7. Unnatural phrase

MorphX · Answer

thx you nona the brit. I know, that the letter isn't very good. this is the reason why I tried to put it in this forum. I would invest a lot of time for this letter, but personally I couldn't make it better. its my first motivation letter. and in my periphery I have no one who could help me. I would happy for help, I know, there is a lot of work, but how i said, its my big dream to go there, because its a big chance! Here is my letter again, with certain corrections:

Dear Ms. Amos,

I would like to apply as a member at the “8th International Workshop 2005 in China“.

Since I heard about this Workshop (big?), I begun to research the project and I was immediately convinced that I will apply for it. Because this would be a unique event in my life, which I would certainly never forget.

I see many benefits in participating at this Workshop. It would be the attendance in a strange country, which I could not visit otherwise. With my openness and communication joy (i'm open to speak with other people and i like the communication), I could exchange cultural, personal or economical experiences with students from other countries.

Because all of this happens in English, I could naturally need and improve my English knowledge in practice. Above all, the economic linguistic usage could be very useful for my future. In 2000 I was one month in England (Hastings, there I got my first English practice, which brought me much.

In the intended management game, I could convert my learned abilities and collect experiences for future work. At the visits in Chinese companies, I could learn much over the function of the future economic-market, which interests me much. These whole arguments would serve surely for my personal advancement.

For me, the time delay by the Workshop and the preparations would not be a problem, because I have no problem in school and it would make me a joy to invest time for this experience. Naturally it would also make me proud to represent Switzerland and above all the HEVs in China.

Please feel free to contact me if you require further information or would like to schedule an interview. I appreciate your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

MorphX · Answer

hello again. i tried to make it a little bit better. so you have less to do

here my new version, please help me:

Motivation letter

Dear Ms. Amos,

I would like to apply for a membership at the “8th International Workshop 2005 in China“.

Since I heard about this workshop, I began to collect information about the project and I was immediately convinced that I will apply for it. Because this would be a unique event in my life, which I would certainly never forget.

I see many benefits in participating at this Workshop. It would be the attendance in a foreign country, which I could not visit otherwise. I'm an outgoing and social person (I'm open to speak with other people and I like to communicate), I could exchange cultural, personal or economical experiences with students from other countries.

Because the spoken language will be English, I would be forced to speak English which would definately improve my knowledge and speaking abilites in English. Above all, the use of economic linguistic could be very useful for my future. In 2000 I have been to England (Hastings) for one month. There I got my first English practice, which helped me a lot.

In the intended management game, I could convert my learned abilities and collect experiences for future work. At the visits in Chinese companies, I could learn much about the function of the future economic-market, in which I'm really interested. All of these reasons would serve surely for my personal advancement.

For me, the time delay at the Workshop and the preparations would not be a problem at all, because I have no problem in school and it would fill me with joy to invest time for this experience. Surely it would also make me proud to represent Switzerland and above all the HEVs in China.

Please feel free to contact me if you require further information or would like to schedule an interview. I appreciate your consideration, and I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,

dein Name

Nona the brit · Answer

This is much better and you have clearly worked hard on it.

I think just a few little tidy ups and you will be ready.

Because this would be a unique

. this is not a complete sentence. It may seem odd but if you remove the word 'because' it will be fine.

It would be the attendance

You have mentioned several benefits, so you cannot now say 'it' singular. Try 'The first would be..

open to speak

should be open to speaking

I would be forced to speak English

this makes it sound as though you are reluctant to speak English. I would re-phrase this if I were you.

economic linguistic

the language of economics?

In 2000 I have been to England

In 2000 I was in England...

Motivation letter => Workshop

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