Motivation Letter for University

Question

Hi,i am applying for a master of Human Resources in Germany and i have finished my first draft of my motivation letter. Could  you please review it and suggest me what changes  because i want the letter to be perfect as we get only one shot. thank you so much.Dear Sir or Madam,I am writing to apply for the Master of International Human Resource Management starting in the autumn of 2011. Wanting to reunit my family that is already in Berlin i have reviewed with  teachers and HR professionals some programs and i am confident now that ********** has the program that best meets my goals of becoming a HR specialist.Currently I am completing an undergraduate degree in economics and communication at the ********  and in July 2011 I will graduate with a Bachelor in Science with an expected average score above 85%.During my economic studies I have come to realize  what a difference the human capital makes in the struggle of improving the efficient usage of the so scarce resources. By participating to numerous events and conferences organised by JobMate i had the chance to meet HR professionals who helped me discover  my passion for this field; it gives me the equilibrium between the rational and emotional.Even though my undergraduate program didn’t stress enough the HR area I have dedicated a lot of my  time to independent research in order acquire knowledge about the investment in Human Capital, Labour Law and HR Managmement completing my Bachelor Thesis „Improving The Labour Effciency Through The Investment in Human Capital”.I have also a passion for foreign languages and as a result presently I speak Romanian, English, Russian and a little Greek and i am looking forward to start learning German. I am sure that my language skills together with me being an empathic responsible teamworker will be helpful in the multicultural environment of your university.Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your acceptance of my application.Sincerely yours,********* *********

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Here's my first draft response: It's not good enough.

Perhaps after giving your BEST effort, you might get a more detailed response from me or someone else.

Gh_luc · Answer

I took some time to re-think my letter according to the tips in the links you suggested me. i have tried to support every affirmation with a specific argument..i am this because i did that.... I have put effort in making short, simple and easy-understandable sentences.

Please, can you be specific of the things i am doing wrong.

Thank you very much for the time u are taking in advicing me.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master Human Resource Management starting in the autumn of 2011. Wanting to reunite my family that is already in Berlin I have reviewed with teachers and HR professionals some programs and I am confident now that ************ has the program that best meets my goals of becoming a HR specialist.

I have graduated a social sciences high school as a top 2 student furthering my knowledge in this area at one of the best university in *******. In July 2011 I will complete my undergraduate program with a Bachelor in Science and I am expecting an average score of above 85%.

I came in touch with the concept of human resource during my Macroeconomics course when studying the economic growth models. It was described as an abstract never-ending force that was capable of boosting productivity explaining up to 80% of GDP of a developed country. Meanwhile I got fascinated by the Micro level of this topic and I started to attend seminars and conferences organized by JobMate that enabled me to meet HR professionals who helped me get a good insight of the matter. While completing my practice program I have worked in the HR department of XXXXX Company and my passion grew even bigger.

Even though my undergraduate program did not stress enough the HR area I have put substantial effort into my independent research in order acquire knowledge about the investment in Human Capital, Labour Law and HR Management completing my Bachelor Thesis „Improving the Labour Efficiency through the Investment in Human Capital”. Both my teachers and peers were impressed of the conclusions.

Furthermore I have a passion to learn languages and as a result currently I speak English, Russian and beginner level Greek. I am very excited to start learning German as I understood it is very challenging.

The Work and Travel Greece program that I completed during my last two summer breaks shaped me into a responsible team worker in a multicultural environment and the volunteer work at the New Young Generation Kindergarten made me become an empathic person.

Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your acceptance of my application.

Sincerely yours,

********

MountainHiker · Answer

Here's another tip: If you want help from native English speakers, do not use text language. Otherwise, we'll either not respond or we'll respond in the same manner u do. We're giving u valuable time. So don't squander it. In other words, capitalize your sentences, use "you" and not "u", and capitalize "I".

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Master Human Resource Management starting in the autumn of 2011. Wanting to reunite my family that is already in Berlin[,] I have reviewed with teachers and HR professionals some programs and I am confident now that ****** has the program that best meets my goals of becoming a HR specialist. [Sentence is a waste. I am confident that you told me nothing. Why does it best meet your goals. What did you learn from your numerous reviews?]

I have graduated a social sciences high school as a top 2 [You didn't read my links and examples carefully. For numbers less than ten, write out the number.] student furthering my knowledge in this area at one of the best university in **. In July 2011 I will complete my undergraduate program with a Bachelor in Science and I am expecting an average score of above 85%.

I came in touch with the concept of human resource during my Macroeconomics course when studying the economic growth models. It was described as an abstract never-ending force that was capable of boosting productivity explaining up to 80% of GDP of a developed country. Meanwhile I got fascinated by the Micro level of this topic and I started to attend seminars and conferences organized by JobMate that enabled me to meet HR professionals who helped me get a good insight of the matter. While completing my practice program I have worked in the HR department of XX Company and my passion grew even bigger. [Bit vague...not sure what the key point of this paragraph is. Also, try to keep your language tight and specific--concise. I don't need to read through a lot of meaningless words and phrases. Never-ending force...whatever.]

Even though my undergraduate program did not stress enough the HR area I have put substantial effort into my independent research in order acquire knowledge about the investment in Human Capital, Labour Law and HR Management completing my Bachelor Thesis „[probably a language thing...but quotes go on top]Improving the Labour Efficiency through the Investment in Human Capital”. Both my teachers and peers were impressed of by the conclusions. [Again, vague. If I go to the dictionary and look up "impressed," I still have no clue if your teachers gave you a great grade or if you placed in the top decile.]

Furthermore I have a passion to learn languages and as a result currently I speak English, Russian and beginner level Greek. I am very excited to start learning German as I understood it is very challenging. [This must be a left-over from your initial draft. It is extremely weak.]

The Work and Travel Greece program that I completed during my last two summer breaks shaped me into a responsible team worker in a multicultural environment and the volunteer work at the New Young Generation Kindergarten made me become an empathic person. [Sure, why not? And my writing this review has turned me into a Shakespeare. I thought you said you supported every statement. Where do I see evidence of team worker or an emphatic person?]

Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your acceptance of my application.

Sincerely yours,

**

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