Motivation letter for MBA

Question

Dear Sirs,Could you please check my motivation letter regarding structure and wording?p.s. I have read the previous posts and relevant links.Dear Sir or Madam,I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the Master of Business Administration program at Furtwangen University for the 2012 autumn term. Having reviewed several MBA programs, in consultation with career advisors and business professionals, I am confident that Furtwangen University has an excellent MBA program that best meets my career goals and aspirations.In 2000 I have completed comprehensive degree in teaching English (received a Diploma with Honors) in Eurasian University in Astana, Kazakhstan, followed by obtaining a bachelor degree in Economy from Kazak Economic University in 2007.For the past years I have gained some valuable working experience in spheres of capital markets, communications and relations. At present I am working in one of the largest Kazakhstan oil and gas company “Exploration Production “KazMunaiGas”, in the Investor Relations department, being responsible for corporate communications support. I have been devoted to this company for more than 5 years and I received invaluable experience here, by virtue of my ambition to succeed in the competitive atmosphere and teamworking with professional staff – for instance, my managing director worked as Vice-President in Emerging Markets, Merrill Lynch in London. Being a head of corporate communication support I lead-managed a small group within the company as well as external consultants and successfully performed news flow management and coordination of financial and other related information between the company, its stakeholders and the financial community as well as headed projects such as Annual Report production and corporate website that met all the disclosure requirements and have been recognized by experts in this industries.Together with strong time management skills obtained in the fast-paced, chaotic environment I have developed a solid foundation in leadership, teamwork, communication and motivation skills. Throughout the years of professional experience, I have matured, learned a lot about myself and learned where my strengths and weaknesses lie. However, while these years have given me the invaluable experience, I feel that I have reached a plateau in developing skills necessary to achieve my ultimate career goal of general management. I feel that now is the right time to combine by experience and knowledge, structure it, add good networking opportunity that MBA program provides and grow and develop further as a professional and moreover as a personality.To further my career aspirations of becoming part of a senior management team, I want to obtain a MBA in General Management. Having this knowledge will allow me to better understand management principles. With all the uncertainty and changes in with world, political, economic, and technological, I believe that management must have a solid understanding, supported by a strong academic foundation, of how to guide companies through these challenging times. I believe obtaining a Master's Degree will provide the necessary background for me to be to anticipate and react to ever-changing environments.Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am sure to exceed your expectations, because of both my academic and interpersonal skills. I will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and open nature. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program.In conclusion I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion this program is the best way to achieve that. I am positive that Furtwangen University would be an excellent step for promoting my ambitious business career.Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your positive response.Sincerely

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

It's late here, so I am likely to be abrupt than usual.

Your letter is poor. It's unfocused. Moreover, it doesn't tell me anything.

So, if you read the links, you have chosen not to apply the lessons.

Let's go through your letter and mention some of the major problems.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the Master of Business Administration program at Furtwangen University for the 2012 autumn term. Having reviewed several MBA programs, in consultation with career advisors and business professionals, I am confident that Furtwangen University has an excellent MBA program that best meets my career goals and aspirations.

***Why do you make this introductory paragraph so painfully long? How about:

>> I would like to apply to Furtwangen University's Master of Business Administration program starting in the autumn of 2012.

or

>>I would like to apply to your Master of Business Administration program starting in the autumn of 2012.

Isn't that easier?

In 2000 I have completed comprehensive degree in teaching English (received a Diploma with Honors) in Eurasian University in Astana, Kazakhstan, followed by obtaining a bachelor degree in Economy from Kazak Economic University in 2007.

>>They have your transcripts and resume/cv. So make sure whatever you tell them, you add value. The above paragraph adds no value.

For the past years I have gained some valuable working experience in spheres of capital markets, communications and relations. At present I am working in one of the largest Kazakhstan oil and gas company “Exploration Production “KazMunaiGas”, in the Investor Relations department, being responsible for corporate communications support. I have been devoted to this company for more than 5 years and I received invaluable experience here, by virtue of my ambition to succeed in the competitive atmosphere and teamworking with professional staff – for instance, my managing director worked as Vice-President in Emerging Markets, Merrill Lynch in London. Being a head of corporate communication support I lead-managed a small group within the company as well as external consultants and successfully performed news flow management and coordination of financial and other related information between the company, its stakeholders and the financial community as well as headed projects such as Annual Report production and corporate website that met all the disclosure requirements and have been recognized by experts in this industries.

>>This paragraph is painful. What is it's main purpose? I have absolutely no clue. Why is this paragraph so bad? Let's have a quick look.

1) NO focus.
2) NO summary.
3) No key information.
4) Lots of useless information.
5) Doesn't really tell me a lot about you.

Here's what I think you're trying to tell me. You got five (always write out numbers less than or equal to 10....part of the lessons you read) years of real-live experience in corporate communications. That's it. Beyond that, it's blather.

And as far as the V.P. Merrill Lynch stuff, everyone who works at a bank is a VP. So what? And how does that relate to YOU. He isn't applying, YOU are.

Together with strong time management skills obtained in the fast-paced, chaotic environment I have developed a solid foundation in leadership, teamwork, communication and motivation skills. Throughout the years of professional experience, I have matured, learned a lot about myself and learned where my strengths and weaknesses lie. However, while these years have given me the invaluable experience, I feel that I have reached a plateau in developing skills necessary to achieve my ultimate career goal of general management. I feel that now is the right time to combine by experience and knowledge, structure it, add good networking opportunity that MBA program provides and grow and develop further as a professional and moreover as a personality.

>>This is the worst paragraph of all. You said you read the relevant links, right? In those links, you should have gathered that you need to show EXAMPLES of your accomplishments. Just telling me that you have "management skills obtained in the fast-paced, chaotic, leadership, teamwork, communication and motivation skills..." is useless. You offer no proof. How I do know you have any skills?

>>And, here's the killer: "...learned a lot about myself and learned where my strengths and weaknesses lie." Good, what are they? That's what this whole letter is about. And yet, you skip right over it.

To further my career aspirations of becoming part of a senior management team, I want to obtain a MBA in General Management. Having this knowledge will allow me to better understand management principles. With all the uncertainty and changes in with world, political, economic, and technological, I believe that management must have a solid understanding, supported by a strong academic foundation, of how to guide companies through these challenging times. I believe obtaining a Master's Degree will provide the necessary background for me to be to anticipate and react to ever-changing environments.

>>>Blah, blah, blah, you want a higher paying job. I got that.

Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am sure to exceed your expectations, because of both my academic and interpersonal skills. I will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and open nature. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program.

>>At least you can copy. Unfortunately, you haven't supported the comments in this paragraph. So it's fail.

In conclusion I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work as part of a team. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion this program is the best way to achieve that. I am positive that Furtwangen University would be an excellent step for promoting my ambitious business career.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to your positive response.

Sincerely

You definitely have a strong grasp of English. You work in corporate communications, so this should be EASY for you. After all, investors like their information clean and concise.

You need to go back to the drawing board and start over. I am not sure if this letter is your first quick draft. Given that you are from Kazakhstan and that English is likely your second language, I am apt to give you some slack. But when I see you work in corporate communications and see that your English is fine, but your structure and organization are poor, I wonder. My sympathy goes down a few notches.

Anyway, you have some comments.

Motivation letter for MBA

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