Motivation letter brush up

Question

Hello all! Thanks in advance for any help. I want to keep this letter short and simple, but please do suggest any additions.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your Master program in International Sports Law starting in January 2012. Having reviewed my options in consultation with professionals in the field, I am confident that ... has an excellent programme that best meets my career goals and aspirations.

Ideally, this programme will allow me the opportunity to leverage my experience gained as a trainee and an associate in the sports law department of a ... law firm. In this capacity, I have dealt with numerous procedures in representation of a ... First Division football club, both at national and international level, including before FIFA’s competent bodies and TAS/CAS, and occasionally felt a few shortcomings.

For that reason, I am looking forward to further my knowledge in the international sports law area, and I see ...'s Master as the perfect setting for such goal.

Please refer to the accompanying Curriculum Vitae for additional details of my qualifications. I remain at your disposal for any clarifications deemed necessary.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours faithfully,

JohnParis · Accepted Answer

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to the Master program in International Sports Law scheduled to begin in January 2012. Having reviewed my options and after consultation with professionals in the field, I am confident that *** has the best program suited to meet my career goals and aspirations.

Participating in the Master's program will afford me the opportunity to build upon the the experience I gained as a trainee and associate in the sports law department of *** law firm. There, I had the opportunity of participating in numerous activites associated with the national and international representation of ***, a First Division football club. This included (this part is unclear - please provide more details)

As a result of these motivating and educational experiences, I am seeking to further my knowledge in international sports law, and I believe that ***'s Master program is the perfect means to achieve my goal.

My attached Curriculum Vitae provides additional details of my qualifications, and I remain at your disposal for any clarifications.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Yours faithfully,

Dear Anonymous. Please write a new draft of the letter using any or all of the suggestions I have proposed and we can work on another version. Please do not forget to clarify the part about FIFA/TAS/CAS and the "shortcomings" you felt...

John

Anonymous · Answer

Dear John,

thank you so much for your quick reply and for the trouble you went through.

I accepted most of your suggestions. I did not clarify the part referring to the shortcomings - based on your alternative version of the following paragraph, I opted for eliminating it.

Also, I used programme instead of program, as I believe the former is used in British English and I am in the European Union, so i guess it makes more sense.

Here's my latest version:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to the Master programme in International Sports Law scheduled to begin in January 2012. Having reviewed my options and after consultation with professionals in the field, I am confident that ... has the programme that best meets my career goals and aspirations.

Participating in the Master’s programme will afford me the opportunity to build upon the experience I gained as a trainee and an associate in the sports law department of a Portuguese law firm. In this capacity, I have dealt with numerous procedures in representation of a Portuguese First Division football club, both at national and international level, including before FIFA’s competent bodies and TAS/CAS.

As a result of these motivating and educational experiences, I am seeking to further my knowledge in the international sports law area, and I see ...’s Master programme as the perfect setting for such goal.

Please refer to the accompanying Curriculum Vitae for additional details of my qualifications, and do not hesitate to contact me for any clarifications deemed necessary.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Yours faithfully,

JohnParis · Answer

You're welcome - my pleasure.

My only suggestion is that you NOT say ".....as the perfect setting for such goal". A Master programme is a degree programme. It consists of a series of courses. It is not a setting. The unversity where you will take these courses is the setting. The degree programme is a means to an end ( and completing it is your goal).

The other style and grammar errors you chose to reinstate are minor, and I am certain that the admissions officers reading your letter will not hold them against you.

Best of luck,

John

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks again. I have changed the setting part according to your comment.

I didn't realise that your suggestions that I didn't use were in fact meant to fix errors! I thought they were style suggestions, alternatives to be considered. Could you please explain why my options are wrong?

Mister Micawber · Answer

JohnParisThe other style and grammar errors you chose to reinstate are minor, and I am certain that the admissions officers reading your letter will not hold them against you.

(It can be frustrating, though, can't it, John?)

Anonymous · Answer

Just to be clear, John: in your first reply, you said "Please write a new draft of the letter using any or all of the suggestions I have proposed".

This led me to believe exactly that: they were suggestions, not objective mistakes. I still accepted most of them; and the ones I didn't were not a purposeful reinstating of an error, obviously. I see no reason for that kind of comment.

Anyway, thanks again for the help, and congratulations on this site.

JohnParis · Answer

Dear Anonymous:

I am not the sort of person who intentionally makes comments that, apparently, you deem to have been unreasonable. I cannot tell you how much it disturbs me to think that I may given offence. I am truly sorry if I affronted you.

Over the years, it has been my habit to use the word “suggest" rather than "correct" because it tends to narrow the gap between those seeking knowledge and those who are willing to give of their time to share it freely. When I was studying French I once had a teacher that said something to the effect of "you don't know my language, I do, I'm here to teach it to you, so do as I say". That stayed with me for more than 30 years and I never once wanted to come across as someone like that. It didn't matter that every single one of her corrections was correct, I thought that attitude counterproductive to the learning process.

Perhaps I should not have used the word "reinstating", but it was the best one I could think of to describe the declining of a suggestion coming from a native speaker with over 56 years experience in reading and writing English literature and who is a working specialist in the field of medical publishing. I also thought that since my version had been verified by another expert of the Forum you might have been inclined to follow my suggestions.

After I used the word "reinstating" in my response above, I said that admissions officers reading your letter would probably not hold any minor errors against you. What I sincerely thought you would understand is that minor errors in such a well-written letter are not only human, but also quite endearing. They often give the candidate en edge when a group is deciding who does and who does not get a place.

I hope I have explained myself and that you can accept this sincere statement of regret.

John

Anonymous · Answer

Dear John,

I am so happy to have read that. I'm the one who has to apologise - I think my own experience of dealing with all sorts of not-so-polite and often impatient users in different fora has made me read your comment in a way you did not, I'm now sure, intend to convey. Please forgive me for that.

Once again thank you for kind help with my letter, and congratulations on your attitude and contribution to this forum.

All the best,

Carlos

Anonymous · Answer

And by the way, thank you for taking the trouble to write such a long, honest and meaningful post because of a misunderstanding. I really appreciate that, and not many would have done that even if they were in your exact position.

Motivation letter brush up

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