Motivation letter - after some years I don't speak in English

Question

Hallo! I have to write motivation letter to send with my curriculum. I am living abroad, in Germany so, as I tried to write the letter I hesitated all the time if I was writing german of english. Any kind of help will be very usefull, not only about the grammar, but also about the content. I cannot write all the names of the things I mention (***) because it is a quite official paper... sorry. I want to protect my identity.
Thank you in advance for all who help me!
Here is the letter:

My name
Address

*** Research *** Co-ordinators

***, 30th October 2004

Subject: Application for the Project ***.

Dear Sir or Madam,

with this letter I would like to apply for the Project *** as a *** Researcher.

I graduated in Law at the University of *** (Spain) in July 1999. From the beginning I decided to focus on the research in the area of criminal law. My research work has been supported financially by various research fellowships of the University of *** (Spain), *** (Spain), Government of *** (Spain), *** (Germany), and at the moment by *** (Spain). I have been scientifically working at the Universities of *** (Spain), *** (Argentine) and *** (Germany) and I belong to a wide Spanish research group headed by professors in different Universities in Spain and promoted by several institutions (see next document). This group maintains intensive relations with other professors and researchers all over Europe; that is why I keep doing my research at the moment at the University of *** (Germany) aimed at obtaining my doctorate in Criminal Law under the direction of Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***) and Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***).

Since I finished my studies, I realized that I really wanted to keep researching and working focusing on international aspects and trying to overcome the limits of the national law, so I decided to write my thesis about the comparison of damages on situations of necessity, which would not be restricted to the Spanish criminal law. I also wanted to gain more international experience. That is why I entered in the *** as researcher and in the *** organization. Thanks to the last one, I have taken part in an International College about European Rights which finality was mainly the legal discussion about the possibility of a Rights Charter in Europe. I also followed with interest the process and the aprobal of the Spanish organic law ***/2003 about the cooperation of Spain with the *** till it came into force. As I read about this Project, I saw here the possibility to get deeply involved with these subjects.

It would be a great pleasure to participate in this project representing my country as a *** for the *** national implementation legislation and to contribute to a constructive debating atmosphere.

Yours faithfully,

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

My name
Address

*** Research *** Co-ordinators

***, 30th October 2004

Subject: Application for the Project ***.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Project *** as a *** Researcher.

I graduated in Law at the University of *** (Spain) in July 1999. From the beginning I decided to focus on the research in the area of criminal law.[1] My research work has been supported financially by various research fellowships of the University of *** (Spain), *** (Spain), Government of *** (Spain), *** (Germany), and at the moment by *** (Spain). I have been [scientifically] working at the Universities of *** (Spain), *** (Argentine) and *** (Germany) and I belong to a wide Spanish research group headed by professors in different Universities in Spain and promoted by several institutions (see next document).[2] This group maintains intensive[or EXtensive? - I think so] relations[HIPS] with other professors and researchers all over Europe; that is why I keep doing my research at the moment at the University of *** (Germany) aimed at obtaining my doctorate in Criminal Law under the direction of Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***) and Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***). [3]

Since I finished my studies, I realized that I really wanted to keep researching and working focusing on international aspects and trying to overcome the limits of the national law, so I decided to write my thesis about the comparison of damages on situations of necessity, which would not be restricted to the Spanish criminal law.[4] I also wanted to gain more international experience. That is why I entered in the *** as researcher and in the *** organization. Thanks to the last one[this is awkward], I have taken part in an International College about European Rights which final[ly?] was mainly the legal discussion about the possibility of a Rights Charter in Europe.[5] I also followed with interest the process and the aprobal of the Spanish organic law ***/2003 about the cooperation of Spain with the *** till it came into force.[6] As I read about this Project, I saw here the possibility to get deeply involved with these subjects. [5]

It would be a great pleasure to participate in this project representing my country as a *** for the *** national implementation legislation and to contribute to a constructive debating atmosphere.

How about....

I would greatly appreciate being considered as a key participant in Project Top Secret. Being a *** and representing my country would allow me to fulfill my personal objectives of blah blah blah. [And - keep or delete "and"] more importantly, with my education, experience and skills, I am confident that I would make a substantial and meaningful contribution to the project/team/effort (choose one).

Yours faithfully,

1) From the beginning.... OR At the outset.... I prefer the latter though I don't know why.

2) "scientifically working" sounds odd. I would just drop the "scientifically"

3) That sentence sounds odd...

A group keeps extensive relationship, and that is the reason why you keep doing research at blah blah? Doesn't make sense to me. In any event, try rewriting your sentence so that you don't have the semicolon followed by "that is why..."

4) That's a whopper of a sentence. Try breaking it down so that it is easier to digest. Technically there is nothing ungrammatical about it, but it is a monster. Business people like smaller, shorter sentences.

Also, rather than "Since I finished my studies..." try "After I finished my studies..."

5) Awkward sentence...try rewriting it.

6) I don't understand it, so I have difficulty. "aprobal of the Spanish organic law" completely looses me. This whole paragraph seems a little chaotic. I get the sense you want to write a thesis and gain international experience, and then you followed some stuff and now you want to get deeply involved in some other stuff. I am not sure what the main point of the paragraph is. It seems to skip from point to point. Maybe make 2 or 3 paragraphs with your themes clearly delineated?

Your English seems pretty good. It is hard to make sense of your essay because of the *** throughout. I trust you know what you are doing, so I have just given you some food for thought.

MountainHiker

Guest · Answer

Hallo!
It's me again.
First of all, thanks a lot for the "food". I've been digesting it and now I would like to show you agian the result.
Just a little comment: An organic law is a law about the way to work of the organs of the State. The aproval is the moment when the law is acepted in the Parliament to have gultiness. With this sentence I was wanted to show that I really now what's going on in the public sfere of my country on this subject (those are the kind of things you can not put in the curriculum but you have to show them...). I don't know if I did it correctly.
Ok, here is again my corrected and sorry again for the ***... I hope I can do it now more comprenhensible.

Mara

Dear Sir or Madam,

with this letter I would like to apply for the Project on *** National Implementation Legislation as a National Researcher.

I graduated in Law at the University of *** (Spain) in July 1999. At the outset I decided to focus on the research in the area of criminal law. My research work has been supported financially by various research fellowships of the University of *** (Spain), *** (Spain), Government of *** (Spain), DAAD (Germany), and at the moment by *** (Spain). I have been working as a researcher at the Universities of *** (Spain), Buenos Aires (Argentine) and *** (Germany) and I belong to a wide Spanish research group headed by professors in different Universities in Spain and promoted by several institutions (see next document). This group maintains extensive relationships with other professors and researchers all over Europe. Due to my membership in this group, I had the opportunity to I keep doing my research at the moment at the University of *** (Germany) aimed at obtaining my doctorate in Criminal Law under the direction of Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***) and Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***).

My reasons to apply for this Project are very diverse. After I finished my studies, I realized that I really wanted to keep researching and working focusing on international aspects and trying to overcome the limits of the national law. I decided to write my thesis about the comparison of damages on situations of necessity, which would not be restricted to the Spanish criminal law. I also wanted to gain more international experience. That is why I entered in the *** as researcher and in the *** organization. I have recently taken part in an International College about European Rights which purpose was mainly the legal discussion about the possibility of a Rights Charter in Europe. I also followed with interest the process and approval of the Spanish organic law ***/2003 about the cooperation of Spain with the *** till it came into force. As I read about this Project, I saw here the possibility to get deeply involved with these subjects.

I would greatly appreciate being considered as a key participant in the Project ***. Being a national researcher and representing my country would allow me to fulfill my personal objectives of working in criminal law outside the frontier of the national legislation and, more importantly, with my education, experience and skills, I am confident that I would make a substantial and meaningful contribution to the project.

Yours faithfully,

MountainHiker · Answer

Mara,

Is organs of the state meant to imply "corporations" of the state. I am still lost. But let's see if we can understadn your letter.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Project on *** National Implementation Legislation as a National Researcher.

I graduated in Law at the University of *** (Spain) in July 1999. At the outset I decided to focus on crimainal law research. My research work has been supported financially by research fellowships of the University of *** (Spain), *** (Spain), Government of *** (Spain), DAAD (Germany), and at the moment by *** (Spain). I have been working as a researcher at the Universities of *** (Spain), Buenos Aires (Argentine) and *** (Germany) and I belong to a wide Spanish research group headed by professors in different Universities in Spain and promoted by several institutions (see next document). This group maintains extensive relationships with other professors and researchers all over Europe. Due to my membership in this group, I had the opportunity to I keep doing my research at the University of *** (Germany) aimed at obtaining my doctorate in Criminal Law under the direction of Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***) and Prof. Dr. Mr. *** (University of ***).

My reasons for applying to this Project are very diverse. After I finished my studies, I realized that I wanted to keep researching and working on international aspects of law, especially discovering way of overcoming the limits of the national law. I decided to write my thesis about the comparison of damages of situations of necessity, which would not be restricted to the Spanish criminal law. I also wanted to gain more international experience. That is why I entered in the *** as researcher and in the *** organization. I have recently taken part in an International College about European Rights which purpose was mainly the legal discussion about the possibility of a Rights Charter in Europe. I also followed with interest the process and approval of the Spanish organic law ***/2003 about the cooperation of Spain with the *** till it came into force. As I read about this Project, I recognized that I have an opportunity to become deeply involved and become key contributor to its successs.

I would greatly appreciate being considered as a key participant in the Project ***. Being a national researcher and representing my country would allow me to fulfill my personal objectives of working in criminal law outside the frontier of the national legislation. More importantly, with my education, experience and skills, I am confident that I would make a substantial and meaningful contribution to the project. [You got to watch those monster sentences!]

Yours faithfully,

I hope this helps. I still don't understand it, so I am not sure that my comments are hitting the mark. Also, I am not sure if you want to capitalize "Project" throughout. I might be inclined NOT to. Where you name it specifically, yes. Notice you are not entirely consisttent, so you need to check this.

Let me know if this works for you.

MountainHiker

Guest · Answer

Hallo again!
It was a great help because I felt free to write my letter and I got many ideas to improve it. Thanks a lot!!! If they take me for this project I promise I will write again to tell you about it.
THANKSSSSS!!!

MountainHiker · Answer

Good luck Mara. I hope you get your desired position.

MountainHiker

Guest · Answer

Hi!
I just wanted to tell you that my application arrived too late and the place was already covered.

But they were very interested on me so they have offered me other possibilities to cooperate. The Proyect belongs to the International Criminal Court.
Thanks again for your help.
Mara

Motivation letter - after some years I don't speak in English

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