Motivation Letter

Question

Hello,Here's my motivation letter written for a university in Europe. Can someone please check it and tell me if I'm on the right track? Am I a bit off-topic or are there any problems? Is it an impressive letter at all?P.S: The university I'm applying for has a very strict policy for plagiarism and they check every motivation letter with a software to ensure that it has been written by the person himself and not copied from anywhere, if they find the letter anywhere my application will be immediately rejected. Therefore, I have uploaded my Motivation Letter to my Google Drive. You can view it here:https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxscQfdHNHOyY2FuVlZIRHpObHc/view?usp=sharing

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

BewilderedYou can view it here:

It shows up as an image. The image text is quite small and hard to read. It is impossible to edit or comment on.
Paragraph 1 seems to say: "Computer science is important and interesting and I really like it." Try to make it more personal by including a specific personal experience. Paragraph 3 is better, but a career covering oceanography, music and designing yet another programming language seems a bit unfocused.

Anonymous · Answer

Thank you very much for the help.

I really wrote everything with absolute honesty; there is no amount of exaggeration involved. But I totally understand why it sounds very unfocused.
I really want to have a very strong motivation letter, since the program I'm applying for is extremely competitive and among 3000 students only 20 will be chosen, so criticism is exactly what I'm looking for. I do not want the letter to sound boring, selfish and full of purposeless statements...

I've edited my Motivation Letter, and I'm terribly sorry that I have to post it as an image but you already know the reason:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxscQfdHNHOyVTFvQlVmRzR4am8/view?usp=sharing

I really appreciate your feedback.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Strong claims without proof or examples make a really weak letter.

None of these lend themselves to strength:
"I have a feeling"
"I've been innovative and creative every day"
"I extol dealing with complexities"
"I can create theories"

These are just overly general statements or claims with no evidence or substantiation.

Anonymous · Answer

I believe I have to rewrite everything in Paragraph 1. I really love this field of study, but I believe I'm just unable to put my exact feelings into words... Can you give me a specific example of how I can have a strong structure for Paragraph 1? Or is there any good source I can learn from, that you know of?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

BewilderedCan you give me a specific example of how I can have a strong structure for Paragraph 1?

You have to give a real and specific and interesting illustration. There is no source except for your own life and experience. That is what makes YOU unique, and separates YOU from all the hundreds of other applicants who use only general, banal statements. After a while all the superlatives in these thousands of statements just get so boring that none of them stand out.

Here is a made-up illustration:

As a teenager, I joined the robotics club, and spent hundreds of hours programming our team's robot to lift up an egg, transport it, and set it down as fast as possible without breaking it. I did many experiments breaking a couple of dozen eggs to determine the maximum force an egg could sustain on both its long and short axes without breaking. Then I used the equations of motion from my Physics class to determine the limit of acceleration given the design of the robot arm. In my program, I put in a safety factor of 20% according to standard engineering principles. That is how I was able to contribute to the winning robot design. But more important than winning was the knowledge that perseverance, experimentation and applied physics can solve the most challenging engineering problems.

Motivation Letter

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