Motivation Letter

Question

This is my motivation letter for university programme. I have read a lot of materials and advices here, but I'm not a native English and it's also my first motivation letter. So, please, look through my letter and check any grammar mistakes or some things that don't sound good in English. I'll be thankfull for all your comments. Thank you very much.

Dear Sir or Madam:
I am applying to your Master program of "Transcultural Studies" with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion (KBR). My career ambition is to become a professional who is highly aware of the transcultural flows in Central Asia in pre-Mongol era and how it affected the correspondence of the West to East throughout history. In high school I already became really interested in world history and how it is interlinked. I then completed my Bachelor program in "Oriental Languages and Cultures" and minored in "Religious Studies" at ------------------ in July 2011. I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with the grade good (4,5) and the professional qualification of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies).
My first interest in the flow of cultural devices started in my junior year of university when I became particularly interested in Manichaeism in Central Asia. I became fascinated that how a particular set of ideas traveled from one end of the archipelago to the other and how it changed, dissolved or assimilated in different cultural areas. This pushed me further to discover cultural and religious flows with which I became acquainted even more in such courses as "Comparative Religion Studies" and "Inner Asian Cultural History". I want to study at your university to investigate and develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary subject to the highest level.
Complementing my academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and modern graphical technologies. I had the opportunity to work in 2011 in the compellation of the series of Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism which was published by the Institute of Ethnology of -------------. This helped to understand how to work with first hand sources and further develop my organization skills.
After graduation I've decided that for me to really understand transcultural flows I must experience it and see the relics of the pre-Mongolian Central Asia. This is why I moved to Xinjiang Province of China two years ago. Where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me such as the mural painting of Xinjiang, in between learning the Uyghur language. This experience gave me a good base to build further my understanding of the importance of Central Asia's role as a catalyst in East to West trade and exchange of culture.
I want to study at Heidelberg University because of your outstanding educational system, the interdisciplinary opportunities which are very important in this area of study, and your excellent facilities. From researching and consulting professionals, I am confident in my decision. With many distinguished professors with a broad spectrum of specialization , I know that I will attain expert knowledge and will be updated on modern academic results. The great variety of courses which are given at your university will help me to develop myself in the complex web of understanding the great cultural flow, and to pursue my dreams and ambitions.
Given to my high commitment to development, I am confident that I will bring energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am a person who will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my open nature and hard work. Furthermore, my very diverse international background and interdisciplinary persuasion of understanding the given subject will add a diversity to your program.
Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Blue Jay · Accepted Answer

This is my motivation letter for a university programme. I have read a lot of materials and advices here, but I'm not a native English speaker and it's also my first motivation letter. So, please look through my letter and check for any grammar mistakes or some things that don't anything that doesn't sound good in English. I'll be thankfull for all your comments. Thank you very much.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am applying to your Master ~~program of~~ of Arts in Transcultural Studies program with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion (KBR). (I am afraid I am not clear what you mean here. Do you mean you already specialize in KBR and wish to learn more, or do you mean you wish to specialize in the KBR part of the program at Heidelberg, or do you mean you wish to study KBR at Heidelberg and then specialize in it later (perhaps for your PhD.), or something else I didn't think of ?) My career ambition is to become a professional who is highly aware (I'm not sure exactly what you have in mind here.) of the transcultural flows in Central Asia in the pre-Mongol era and how it affected the correspondence (I'm not sure this is the right word here. Did you have in mind something like relationship?) of the West to the East throughout history. In high school I ~~already~~ became really (or especially, or passionately) interested in world history and how it is (you might want to replace it is with something like events are) interlinked. I then completed my Bachelor program in "Oriental Languages and Cultures" and minored in "Religious Studies" at ------------------ in July 2011. (This sentence does not flow smoothly from the previous one. You could say something like I went on to study Oriental Languages and Cultures with a minor in Religious Studies at ----------------- University. In July 2011...) I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with the grade good (4,5) and the professional qualification of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies).
My first interest in the flow of cultural devices (I'm not sure about devices, unless it is used here as a technical term) started in my junior year of university when I became particularly interested in Manichaeism in Central Asia. I became fascinated ~~that how~~ by the way that a particular set of ideas traveled from one end of the ~~archipelago~~ (archipelago means group of islands, did you mean continent?) to the other and how it changed, dissolved or assimilated in different cultural areas. This pushed me ~~further~~ to discover (perhaps explore or investigate or research) cultural and religious flows with which I became further acquainted ~~even more~~ in such courses as "Comparative Religion Studies" and "Inner Asian Cultural History". I want to study at your university (in order to continue) to investigate and develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary subject to the highest level.
Complementing my academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and modern graphical technologies. I had the opportunity to work in 2011 in on the ~~compellation~~ compilation of the series of "Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism" which was published by the Institute of Ethnology of -------------. This helped me to understand how to work with first hand sources and to further develop my organization skills.
After graduation ~~I've~~ I decided that for me to really understand transcultural flows I must experience it (Either flow...it or flows...them) and see the relics of ~~the~~ pre-Mongolian Central Asia. This is why I moved to the Xinjiang Province of China (You could also say to Xinjiang Province, China or to China's Xinjiang Province) two years ago, where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang, in ~~between~~ addition to (or you could replace in addition to with while) learning the Uyghur language. This experience ~~gave~~ (Either gives or has given) me a good base (on which) to build further(or to further develop) my understanding of the importance of Central Asia's role as a catalyst in East to West trade and exchange of culture. (I suggest East-West trade and cultural exchange)
I want to study at Heidelberg University because of your outstanding educational system, (or reputation or reputation for academic excellence) the interdisciplinary opportunities which are very important in this area of study, and your excellent facilities. (would it be appropriate to say that this is the pre-eminent academic program in this field?) From researching and consulting professionals, (suggest Based on both my own research and the opinions of knowledgeable advisers,) I am confident in my decision. With (so) many distinguished professors with (such) a broad spectrum of specializations, I know that I will attain expert knowledge and will be updated on modern academic results.(This is not clear to me. Do you mean that you will learn about the very latest research?) The great variety of courses which are given at your university will help me to develop myself in the complex web of understanding the great cultural flow, and to pursue my dreams and ambitions.
Given to my high (could be omitted) commitment to (personal) development, I am confident that I will bring energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am a person who will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my open nature and hard work. Furthermore, my very diverse international background and (my) interdisciplinary ~~persuasio~~n of (perhaps experience in) understanding the given subject will add a diversity to your program.
Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to ~~your acceptance~~.(perhaps hearing from you.)

~~Sincerely yours,~~ Yours faithfully, (or Yours Truly)
Standard British usage Dear Sir......Yours faithfully, or Dear Mr. Smith......Yours sincerely,
Americans often use the forms Dear Sir......Yours Truly, or Dear Mr. Smith......Sincerely yours,
As I expect you know, there are differences between British and US English spelling and punctuation. It is probably best to use one or the other consistently in formal writing. I highlighted a couple of instances of British spelling and punctuation I noticed. (In US usage the comma goes inside the quotation marks, "XYZ," not "XYZ",) If you wish to use British spelling, program (programme) and specialization (specialisation) are different.
I noticed that the Heidelberg website's description of the course requirements mentions a need for a good knowledge of English as well as two other languages. It also says that some electives may be in German. You may wish to include in your letter some more information about which languages you speak.
I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, or if you wish to post a revised version of your letter, we are here to help.
I hope your application is successful.

Demura Tlox · Answer

Thank you Blue Jay for such thorough check and remarks! I would like to ask a question before re-posting the new version. In your opinion where would my language knowledge description fit best in the letter so it would have a nice flow?

Thank you again for you time.

Blue Jay · Answer

I think your knowledge of languages could be introduced in the first paragraph as part of your description of your academic interests and accomplishments.
When I read that paragraph again I noticed that I left untouched the line "I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with the grade good (4,5)..." I think with the grade good should be changed to with a grade of "Good".

Demura Tlox · Answer

This is the corrected version with the added language paragraph. Please feel free to give me any suggestions of any kind. Thank you for your time and help.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying to your Master of Arts in Transcultural Studies program with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion (KBR). My career ambition is to become a professional who is highly aware of the transcultural flows in Central Asia in the pre-Mongol era and how it affected the correspondence of West to the East throughout history.

In high school I became especially interested in world history and how event are interlinked. I went on to study Oriental Languages and Cultures with a minor in Religious Studies at Eötvös Loránd University of Budapest in July 2011. I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with a grade of "Good" (4,5) and the professional qualification of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies). Moreover, I passionately studied English and I have achieved conspicuous results. My ability to understand the English language is of higher level which my IELTS results show. I also speak Hungarian and Russian at mother tongue level and I have passed an oral B2 level German language exam as well. Adding to this I have a good understanding of Altaic languages since I graduated from Mongolian Studies. Completing my language knowledge is my independent study of the Uyghur language which I have been conducting to this day in Xinjiang, China.

My first interest in the flow of cultural devices started in my freshman year of university when I became particularly interested in Manichaeism in Central Asia. I became fascinated by particular set of ideas traveled from one end of the Euro-Asian continent to the other and how it changed, dissolved or assimilated in different cultural areas. This pushed me to explore cultural and religious flows with which I became further acquainted in such courses as "Comparative Religion Studies" and "Inner Asian Cultural History". I want to study at your university in order to continue to investigate and develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary subject to the highest level.

Complementing my academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and modern graphical technologies. I had the opportunity to work in 2011 on the compilation of the series of "Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism" which was published by the Institute of Ethnology of Hungary. This helped me to understand how to work with first hand sources and it further developed my organization skills.

After graduation I decided that to really understand transcultural flow of Central Asia I must experience it from first hand and so I could reflect to my topic of interest the pre-Mongolian Central Asia. This is why I moved to Xinjiang Province, China two years ago, where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang, in while learning the Uyghur language. This experience has given me a good base on which to build further my understanding of the importance of Central Asia's role as a catalyst in East-West trade and cultural exchange.

I want to study at Heidelberg University because of your outstanding reputation of academic excellence, the interdisciplinary opportunities which are very important in this area of study, and your excellent facilities. Based on both my own research and the opinions of knowledgeable advisers, I am confident in my decision. With so many distinguished professors with such a broad spectrum of specializations , I know that I will attain expert knowledge, will be updated on modern academic results and approaches . The great variety of courses which are given at your university will help me to develop myself in the complex web of understanding the great cultural flow, and to pursue my dreams and ambitions.

Given my omitted commitment to personal development, I am confident that I will bring energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am a person who will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my open nature and hard work. Furthermore, my international background and my interdisciplinary experience in understanding the given subject will add a diversity to your program.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.
Sincerely yours,

Blue Jay · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam, (Dear Sir or Madam should be followed by a comma, not a colon.)

I am applying to your Master of Arts in Transcultural Studies program with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion ~~(KBR)~~.(Including the abbreviation is probably unnecessary.) My career ambition is to become a professional who is highly aware of (This is too vague. The word Professional can sometimes be a noun, for example in sports where a professional is paid and an amateur is not. In your sentence, however, the reader would expect professional to be an adjective denoting "earning a living as" and would expect to be told what specific occupation you have in mind. A professional (with no context supplied) can mean a prostitute, which I'm sure is not what you have in mind! You could greatly improve this sentence by saying something like "My career ambition (or My aim) is to become an expert on the transcultural flows in ..." or (if this is what you have in mind) "My career ambition is to become a professor of _ _ _ _ _ specializing in _ _ _ _ _ " If you decide to leave professional in the sentence you should identify the occupation.) the transcultural flows in Central Asia in the pre-Mongol era and how it affected the correspondence of the West to the East throughout history.

In high school I became especially interested in world history and how events are interlinked. I went on to study Oriental Languages and Cultures with a minor in Religious Studies at Eötvös Loránd University of Budapest. In July 2011 I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with a grade of "Good" (4,5) and the professional qualification of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies). (You were awarded your degree in July 2011. I presume that you worked for your degree for much longer than that.) Moreover, I passionately studied English and I have achieved conspicuous results. My ability to understand the English language is of higher level which my IELTS results show. (I suggest something like While at university I also worked hard to become fluent in English. My IELTS results demonstrate my high level of proficiency in the language.) I also speak Hungarian and Russian at mother tongue level and I have passed an oral B2 level German language exam ~~as well~~. ~~Adding~~ (In addition) to this I have a good understanding of Altaic languages since I graduated from Mongolian Studies.(I suggest acquired as part of my course of Mongolian Studies.) Completing my language knowledge is my independent study of the Uyghur language which I have been conducting to this day in Xinjiang, China.

My first interest in the flow of cultural devices started in my freshman year of university when I became particularly interested in Manichaeism in Central Asia. I became fascinated by the way that a particular set of ideas traveled from one end of the Euro-Asian continent to the other and how it changed, dissolved or assimilated in different cultural areas. This pushed me to explore cultural and religious flows with which I became further acquainted in such courses as "Comparative Religion Studies" and "Inner Asian Cultural History". I want to study at your university in order to continue to investigate and develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary subject to the highest level.

Complementing my academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and modern graphical technologies. I had the opportunity to work in 2011 on the compilation of the series of "Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism" which was published by the Institute of Ethnology of Hungary. This helped me to understand how to work with first hand sources and it further developed my organizational skills.

After graduation I decided that to really understand the transcultural flow of Central Asia I must experience it ~~from~~ first hand ~~and so I could reflect to my topic of interest the pre-Mongolian Central Asia~~.(This sentence does not make sense. Can you tell me what you were trying to say?) This is why I moved to Xinjiang Province, China, two years ago, where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang, in while learning the Uyghur language. This experience has given me a good base on which to build further my understanding of the importance of Central Asia's role as a catalyst in East-West trade and cultural exchange.

I want to study at Heidelberg University because of your outstanding reputation of academic excellence, the interdisciplinary opportunities which are very important in this area of study, and your excellent facilities. Based on both my own research and the opinions of knowledgeable advisers, I am confident in my decision. With so many distinguished professors with such a broad spectrum of specializations , I know that I will attain expert knowledge, and will be updated on modern academic results (research) and approaches. (Delete space between word and punctuation) The great variety of courses which are given at your university will help me to develop myself in the complex web of understanding the great cultural flow, and to pursue my dreams and ambitions.

Given my ~~omitted~~ (In my original post I was suggesting you should omit the word high, but I didn't mean you should add the word omitted) commitment to personal development, I am confident that I will bring energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am a person who will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my open nature and hard work. Furthermore, my international background and my interdisciplinary experience in understanding the given subject will add a diversity to your program.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward ~~to your acceptance~~. (This sounds as though you are taking it for granted that they will accept you. It would be better to say something like I look forward to hearing from you.)
~~Sincerely yours,~~ Yours faithfully, (or Yours truly,)
I'm sorry if I didn't explain this clearly before. If you begin the letter with Dear Sir or Madam, you close with Yours faithfully, (Americans often use Yours truly,). If you address the person by name, e.g. Dear Dr. Horvath, you close with Yours sincerely, (Americans often use Sincerely yours,).

Demura Tlox · Answer

Thank you again for you corrections. I'm sorry for neglecting some correction from your first post. It seems I somehow missed them. I would like to ask is it to arrogant to say that I am looking forward for acceptance, I always thought that a motivation letter had to be very confident or is it to much. Also I would like to ask, is it necessary to mention my mother tongue since I do not mention it. Thank you for your help again. Here is a revised version again.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your Master of Arts in Transcultural Studies program with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion. My career ambition is to become an expert on the transcultural flows in Central Asia in the pre-Mongol era and how it affected the correspondence of the West to the East throughout history especially art and religious movements.

In high school I became especially interested in world history and how events are interlinked. I went on to study Oriental Languages and Cultures with a minor in Religious Studies at Eötvös Loránd University of Budapest. In July 2011 I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with a grade of "Good" (4,5) and the professional qualification of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies). Given that I have attended an English speaking high school this helped me to master English to a fluent level. My IELTS results demonstrate my high level of proficiency in the language. I also speak Hungarian and Russian at mother tongue level and I have passed an oral B2 level German language exam. In addition to this I have a good understanding of Altaic languages acquired as part of my course of Mongolian Studies. Completing my language knowledge is my independent study of the Uyghur language which I have been conducting to this day in Xinjiang, China.

My first interest in the flow of cultural devices started in my freshman year of university when I became particularly interested in Manichaeism in Central Asia. I became fascinated by the way that a particular set of ideas traveled from one end of the Euro-Asian continent to the other and how it changed, dissolved or assimilated in different cultural areas. This pushed me to explore cultural and religious flows with which I became further acquainted in such courses as "Comparative Religion Studies" and "Inner Asian Cultural History". I want to study at your university in order to continue to investigate and develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary subject to the highest level.

Complementing my academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and modern graphical technologies. I had the opportunity to work in 2011 on the compilation of the series of "Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism" which was published by the Institute of Ethnology of Hungary. This helped me to understand how to work with first hand sources and it further developed my organizational skills.

After graduation I decided that to really understand Central Asia cultures I must experience it from first hand. This is why I moved to Xinjiang Province, China two years ago, where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang, in while learning the Uyghur language. This experience has given me a good base on which to build further my understanding of the importance of Central Asia's role as a catalyst in East-West trade and cultural exchange.

I want to study at Heidelberg University because of your outstanding reputation of academic excellence, the interdisciplinary opportunities which are very important in this area of study, and your excellent facilities. Based on both my own research and the opinions of knowledgeable advisers, I am confident in my decision. With so many distinguished professors with such a broad spectrum of specializations , I know that I will attain expert knowledge, and will be updated on modern academic research and approaches. The great variety of courses which are given at your university will help me to develop myself in the complex web of understanding the great cultural flow, and to pursue my dreams and ambitions.

Given my commitment to personal development, I am confident that I will bring energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am a person who will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my open nature and hard work. Furthermore, my international background and my interdisciplinary experience in understanding the given subject will add diversity to your program.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Blue Jay · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying to your Master of Arts in Transcultural Studies program with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion. My career ambition is to become an expert on the transcultural flows in Central Asia in the pre-Mongol era and how it they affected the correspondence of the West to the East throughout history, especially in terms of or regarding or in regard to or with a focus on etc. art and religious movements.

In high school I became especially interested in world history and how events are interlinked. I went on to study Oriental Languages and Cultures with a minor in Religious Studies at Eötvös Loránd University of Budapest. In July 2011 I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with a grade of "Good" (4,5) and the professional qualification of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies). ~~Given that~~ I ~~have~~ I attended an English speaking high school this which helped me to master English to a fluent level. My IELTS results demonstrate my high level of proficiency in the language. I also speak Hungarian and Russian at mother tongue level and I have passed an oral B2 level German language exam. In addition to this I have a good understanding of Altaic languages acquired as part of my course of Mongolian Studies. Completing my language knowledge is my independent study of the Uyghur language which I have been conducting to this day in Xinjiang, China.

My first interest in the flow of cultural devices started in my freshman year of university when I became particularly interested in Manichaeism in Central Asia. I became fascinated by the way that a particular set of ideas traveled from one end of the Euro-Asian continent to the other and how it changed, dissolved or assimilated in different cultural areas. This pushed me to explore cultural and religious flows with which I became further acquainted in such courses as "Comparative Religion Studies" and "Inner Asian Cultural History". I want to study at your university in order to continue to investigate and develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary subject to the highest level.

Complementing my academic performance are my advanced skills in communication and modern graphical technologies. I had the opportunity to work in 2011 on the compilation of the series of "Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism" which was published by the Institute of Ethnology of Hungary. This helped me to understand how to work with first hand sources and it further developed my organizational skills.

After graduation I decided that to really understand Central Asia cultures I must experience it from first hand. This is why I moved to Xinjiang Province, China, two years ago, where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang, in while learning the Uyghur language. This experience has given me a good base on which to build further my understanding of the importance of Central Asia's role as a catalyst in East-West trade and cultural exchange.

I want to study at Heidelberg University because of your outstanding reputation of academic excellence, the interdisciplinary opportunities which are very important in this area of study, and your excellent facilities. Based on both my own research and the opinions of knowledgeable advisers, I am confident in my decision. With so many distinguished professors with such a broad spectrum of specializations, I know that I will attain expert knowledge, and will be updated on modern academic research and approaches. The great variety of courses which are given at your university will help me to develop myself in the complex web of understanding the great cultural flow, and to pursue my dreams and ambitions.

Given my commitment to personal development, I am confident that I will bring energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am a person who will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my open nature and hard work. Furthermore, my international background and my interdisciplinary experience in understanding the given subject will add diversity to your program.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

I'm not surprised you missed things, I'm still spotting things I missed the first twenty times I looked over it! I've highlighted changes this time, I hope this makes it easier. I should have done this to start with. Sorry!
If there's another language you speak, yes, I think you should mention it. You referred to Altaic languages. Do you think it would be appropriate to say which ones, and further describe your proficiency level?
As far as the question of acceptance is concerned, it struck me as not so much arrogant, but perhaps a little forward. However, with hindsight I realize that I viewed the matter purely on the basis of my own expectations, which may not be appropriate for your situation. I have no experience of German academics, and their customs may be different to those I am used to. Your own European experience may well give you much better insight on the matter than I possess, and if you are unsure you probably know people (perhaps your university tutor/faculty adviser) who could give you knowledgeable advice. If you do get a second opinion I would be interested to know what you learned. Helping ESL students instead of native speakers is a new experience for me, so I am learning here too.

Demura Tlox · Answer

Thank you for your help again. I do have a little question why do we use in in this sentence?

This is why I moved to Xinjiang Province, China, two years ago, where I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang, in while learning the Uyghur language.

I will try to get second hand help and re-post a final version for you to look at. Thank you very much for your help till now.

Blue Jay · Answer

You are right, it isn't supposed to be there. I don't know what happened. I had in crossed out, as well as every other word I highlighted, when I posted it. I have no idea why it didn't come out the way I wrote it. I intended to suggest you should delete them all.
The commas which are highlighted are supposed to be included.
I'm glad you caught that, because it could cause all sorts of confusion. It seems I'll have to recheck my posts after they appear.

Demura Tlox · Answer

Hi, I have re-written and re-checked with several people. I though a last look from you would be nice. Thank you for all your help till now.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to apply for your M.A. program in Transcultural Studies with the intention of further specialization in Knowledge, Belief and Religion. My career ambition is to become an expert on the transcultural flows in Central Asia in the pre-Mongol era and their influence on the interconnections between the West and the East throughout the history, especially with a focus on art and religious movements.
I completed my undergraduate studies at the faculty of Oriental Languages and Cultures with a specialization in Religious Studies at Eötvös Loránd University of Budapest. In July 2011, I was awarded a Bachelor's Degree with a grade of "Good" (4,5) and the professional qualifications of Philologist in Eastern Languages and Cultures (Mongolian Studies). I have gained good understanding of nomadic cultures and the complex interaction of settled and nomadic societies. Also this helped me gain a good understanding in religious movements between Central and Eastern Asia and the difficulty of this intriguing interdisciplinary subject.
As a freshman, I became particularly fascinated in the flow of cultural devices due to my interest in Manichaeism in Central Asia and the processes accompanying the shift of a particular set of ideas on the Euro-Asian continent. Encouraged to develop my understanding of this interdisciplinary phenomenon, I continued to explore it through such courses as Comparative Religion Studies and Inner Asian Cultural History. This lead me to write my thesis on the topic of "Manichaeism in the Orhon Uyghur Khagante" which included analysis of first hand historical sources on the subject and a comparison and understanding of transcultural influences on the given culture.
I believe that my academic qualifications are complemented with my advanced skills in communication and graphical technologies. In 2011, I had the opportunity to work on the compilation of the series entitled Treasures of Mongolian Culture and Tibeto-Mongolian Buddhism which was published by the Hungarian Institute of Ethnology. I worked as a student researcher were my role was to organize, digitalize and prepare manuscripts for publishing. This assignment proved to be invaluable in my experience as a philologist, giving me a chance to work with first hand sources and to further develop my organizational skills.
After graduation I decided that the best way to gain an insight into the nature of Central Asian cultures would be through a direct contact, which motivated me to move to Xinjiang province, China. During my two-year stay, while learning the Uyghur language, I have visited and accumulated literature on sites which have been of great interest to me, such as the mural paintings of Xinjiang. Consequently, I have been provided with a good base on which to further build my understanding of the significance of the role of Central Asia as a catalyst in East-West trade and cultural exchange.
Furthermore, languages have always been another area of self-development of great significance to me. My mother tongue is Ukrainian but I speak Russian and Hungarian at a level of a native speaker as well. Moreover, attending an English speaking high school helped me to master English to a high level of proficiency, demonstrated by my IELTS results. In addition, in the course of my studies I also passed an oral B2 level German language exam as well as gained a good understanding of Altaic languages, acquired as part of my specialization in Mongolian Studies. My independent study of the Uyghur language conducted in Xinjiang has become another way of satisfying my linguistic aspirations.
I have chosen to apply to study at Heidelberg University because of its outstanding reputation of academic excellence achieved due to many distinguished professors with a broad spectrum of specializations, the interdisciplinary courses crucial in this area of study, not to mention Heidelberg University's exceptional facilities. I am certain that continuing my academic education at your institution will enable me to get acquainted with modern academic research and approaches, constituting the very foundation for expert knowledge I intend to attain, as well as prepare for my independent work as a cultural expert and researcher. I trust that the dedication and professionalism of your staff as well as the great variety of courses offered at your university will aid me in my development of understanding of the cultural flow, which as far as I am concerned is one of the most complex and fascinating phenomena in the field of transcultural studies. My personal commitment and interest make me feel confident about the potentially beneficial effects of me joining your academic body. I believe I could become a real asset to the program due to my international background and experience in interdisciplinary studies, which surely could add diversity to your program. Furthermore, I trust that my educators and follow students would benefit from my enthusiasm, open-mindedness and diligence.
Thank you for considering my application and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,

Motivation Letter

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