Motivation Letter

Question

Hi!I need help with my letter of motivation. English is not my first language so I would be glad if you can tell me if I used words incorrect or if my sentences sounds wrong. I also need help with how to write the letter.Here is a first draft:StartFragment&gt;    Dear  Sir, I’m  writing to apply to the Master’s Degree Program of Architecture at KTH,  Stockholm.  I  have a Bachelor’s Degree from Lund, 2010, in Architecture. During my Bachelor  project I participated in the studio Architectural Mutations held by ... It’s an experimental studio that emphasizes process and concept. The  focus was on the design process and form finding and the finished product as a  result of this. In this studio my interest for new ways of finding form grew  and gave me a wider range of how to look at design and forms.  At  the moment I have an internship at ....Architects, Stockholm, which started  in August 2010 and will continue until June 2011. I’ve learned during this  internship how to combine what thought in school with real-life situations.  I’ve been part of a number of projects and have in some of them had some  responsibility, which have made me good at combining the clients needs with  what’s technical possible.  During  the studies and before I started studying in Lund I worked at Svenska  Handelsbanken as a support agent. I’ve worked with helping customers with  technical and economical questions. I’ve also worked with finding transactions  on behalf of the .... and the ... among others. This has increased my strive for precision since it is important  that nothing gets wrong. Combining studies with work has made me a good planner  something and always pushed me to have my projects finished before deadline. As  a person I’m ambitious and targeted. I’ve been a member of the national team in  athletics, throwing javelin, which have given me a will to reach as far as  possible and break boundaries others see as impossible. When I quit the  athletics due to an injury I decided to continue my studies with the same  ambition. To me nothing is impossible and I’m striving to make the best of each  situation I’m in.  I’ve  learned much through the program of architecture, both about myself but I’ve  also found new ways of how to perceive the surroundings. I find things now that  I didn’t see before. I think that completing my studies at KTH would lead to a  change of environment that would make me grow more as a person. Ultimately,  this would lead to that I could improve my studies in several ways, for example  my way of looking at form, social patterns and the design process. The program  of Architecture has made me realize that I’ve found what I’m looking for and I  want to keep observing and understanding new things. This is what I want to  continue at KTH. I’m  applying to the Master’s Degree Program at KTH for several reasons. The primary  reason is that I find your studios interesting and inspiring, they are in line  with what I’m looking for. The foundation that the Master’s Degree Program can  give me makes me confident that I will achieve the knowledge and skills that I  need and endeavor when I’m later on am working as a professional architect.  Having spoken to other students at KTH, I’m excited to pursue my education with  you.  Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward  to your positive response. Yours  truly, EndFragment&gt;

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Dear Sir:,

~~I’m~~ I am (no contractions in formal writing) writing to apply to the Master’s Degree Program of Architecture at KTH, Stockholm.

I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Lund, 2010, in Architecture. During my Bachelor project I participated in the studio Architectural Mutations held by ... It’s an experimental studio that emphasizes process and concept. The focus was on the design process and form finding ( and the finished product as a result of this -- rest of this sentence is superfluous? Waste?). In this studio my interest for new ways of finding form grew and gave me a wider range of how to look at design and forms. (My project taught me how to search for news ways of finding form and combining form with function. I am not an achitect, so my technical language is poor.)

At ~~the moment~~ present, I have an internship at ....Architects, Stockholm, which started in August 2010 and will continue until June 2011. I’ve learned during this internship how to combine ~~what thought in school~~ academic theory with pragmatic, real-life situations. I’ve been part of a number of projects and have in some of them had some responsibility, which have made me good at combining the clients needs with what’s technically possible.(It would be better if you started your sentences with something other than "I have". Also, you should describe your responsibilities and what you learned from them.)

During the studies and before I started studying in Lund I worked at Svenska Handelsbanken as a support agent. I’ve worked with helping customers with technical and economical questions. (Working with our customers, I helped solve their technical and economic questions.) I’ve also worked with finding transactions on behalf of the .... and the ... among others. (Not sure what you mean...vague) This has increased my strive for precision since it is important that we strive for excellence (stay positive). ~~nothing gets wrong~~. (Combining studies with work has made me a good planner something and always pushed me to have my projects finished before deadline. I would drop this sentence, as it suggests that you are tardy or lazy.)

As a person I’m ambitious and focused ~~targeted~~. I’ve been a member of the national team in athletics, throwing javelin, which have given me a will to reach as far as possible and break boundaries others see as impossible. After I left athletics because of an injury, I decided to pursue my studies with the same passion and intensity. (When I quit the athletics due to an injury I decided to continue my studies with the same ambition.) ~~To me n~~Nothing is impossible and I’m striving to make the best of each situation I’m in.

I’ve learned much through the program of architecture, both about myself but I’ve also found new ways of how to perceive the surroundings. I find things now that I didn’t see before. I think that completing my studies at KTH would lead to a change of environment that would make me grow more as a person. Ultimately, this would lead to that I could improve my studies in several ways, for example my way of looking at form, social patterns and the design process. (Not sure what you are saying here in the previous sentence.) The program of Architecture has made me realize that I’ve found what I’m looking for and I want to keep observing and understanding new things. This is what I want to continue at KTH.

I’m applying to the Master’s Degree Program at KTH for several reasons. The primary reason is that I find your studios interesting and inspiring, they are in line with what I’m looking for. (Prior sentece is vague and weak.) The foundation that the Master’s Degree Program can give me makes me confident that I will achieve the knowledge and skills that I need and endeavor when I’m later on am working as a professional architect. Having spoken to other students at KTH, I’m excited to pursue my education with you. (Weak paragraph.)

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours truly,

Your English skills are reasonable. However, you need to clean up your letter. Go through each paragraph and describe the main point(s).

Para 1: blah blah blah

Para 2: blah blah blah

Keep going until you are done. Then, step back and look at the organization of your letter. As an architect, you should have an appreciation for structure, order, and eloquence. Make sure that one topic leads effortlessly into the next.

Also, try to reveal more about you. If someone asked me to describe you, I would say the following:

Young person, former athlete that is now studying achitecture. Beyond that, I have no clue.

Your comments about form and function can be applied to every student. Tell me more about your what you find fascinating. Or what hurdles you overcame. Or how you plan to use your knowledge to make a big difference.

Let's see your next revision.

Holger · Answer

Hi!

Thank you very much for your answers!

I've been trying to change the text to make it more fluent but there are still paragraphs that I don't think lead to the next one. For example the one about when I was an athlete. That's a big part of who I am but it's something that I don't know how to link to my studies in more ways.

My problem is that I have done so many different things and if I would bring all of them up it's easy to get lost. A short summary is 1,5 year of economic studies, 15 years of athletics, 5 years of working at a bank, re-built 3 apartments, 4 years of architecture studies. Most of these things I've done simultaneously. I have tried to choose the things that are important for the education but tell me if you think I should do it in a different way.

Besides this letter I have a portfolio that I'm handing in which enhances the picture of me. I'm usually better at communicating with pictures than with words.

I need help to take this letter further.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to apply to the Master's Degree Program of Architecture at KTH, Stockholm.

I have always been interested in form and function and began changing things in my surroundings as a little kid. It started with building objects and painting and has now grown into rebuilding apartments. The organization of things around me has always fascinated me and I have always changed things into an order that I thought were better in combination with the context. When I started study architecture these things became more evident to me and I found that architecture is the way to learn more about this.

My interest in the organization of objects reached a new level when earning the Bachelor's Degree from Lund, 2010, in Architecture. During my Bachelor project I participated in the studio Architectural Mutations held by ... It is an experimental studio that emphasizes process and concept. The focus was on the design process and form finding with Maya, a 3d application. The studio provoked my interest in new ways of finding form and how to combine and assemble objects and ideas. I am interested in how free forms generated by 3d applications, such as Maya, could be controlled and if parametric architecture could be the method to control them.

At present, I have an internship at ....Architects, Stockholm, which started in August 2010 and will continue until June 2011. I have learned during this internship how to combine academic theory with pragmatic, real-life situations. Projects that I have participated in are among others... and an office building, ..., in Kungsträdgården where I had a big part of the contact with the client and the constructors, making drawings for different tenants. The internship has meant much to me and to my coming studies since I have learned what I was missing earlier; how the process works from an idea to finished building. Knowing and understanding this, I am confident in my further studies.

As a person I am ambitious and focused. I have been a member of the national team in athletics, throwing javelin, which have given me a will to reach as far as possible and break boundaries others see as impossible. After I left athletics because of an injury, I decided to pursue my studies with the same passion and intensity. Nothing is impossible and I'm striving to make the best of each situation I am in.

The program of architecture has not just has made me learn more about myself but also how I perceive the surroundings. I apprehend and search for things now that I didn't take notice of before. I'm applying to the Master's Degree Program to be able to continue doing this. The foundation that the Master's Degree Program can give me makes me confident that I will achieve the knowledge and skills that I need and endeavor when I'm later on am working as a professional architect. Having spoken to other students at KTH, I'm excited to pursue my education with you.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive

MountainHiker · Answer

Thank you for allowing spaces between your paragraphs.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to apply to the Master's Degree Program of Architecture at KTH, Stockholm.

I have an usual and eclectic background, one that is not traditionally associated with a Master's Degree. However, my varied background is a strength in that I have developed different skills in each of my endeavors that has strengthened my overall design philosophy.

Now, go on to describe how each your different backgrounds contributes to your knowledge, passion, design aesthetic and so on. (By the way, I hate etc, and "and so on." When used, it means the writer doesn't know any more. And in my case, that's true. I want you to describe your background contributes to the present.

With regard to being an athlete, if performed correctly, most athletic endeavors are poetic. There is beauty and symmetry in their movements. Javelin is no exception. You can discuss the beauty and symmetry of your training as well as the sport itself.

This approach is somewhat high risk. It's non-traditional, so that means some will love it and some will hate it. The challenge, though, is that you have a non-traditional background. So, in my view, there's no point becoming traditional now. Rather than treating your background as a weakness, make it a strength. Discuss how you have learned and grown through your past experiences.

I will make some fast passing comments in the rest of your text. Because I think you will be starting over, I won't put much effort into marking up your text.

~~I have always been interested in form and function and began changing things in my surroundings as a little kid.~~ Ever since I can recall, I have been interested in form and function. (I dislike the "kid" part. As a reader, I am not likely interested in your four year old endeavors. However, I am interested that you have been long interested.) It started with building objects and painting and has now grown into rebuilding apartments. The organization of things around me has always fascinated me and I have always changed things into an order that I thought were better in combination with the context. When I started study architecture these things became more evident to me and I found that architecture is the way to learn more about this. (I expect this paragraph to be rewritten...there's not much information contained in this paragraph.)

My interest in the organization of objects reached a new level when earning the Bachelor's Degree from Lund, 2010, in Architecture. During my Bachelor project I participated in the studio Architectural Mutations held by (just put in some dummy names so that it is easier to read and markup) ... It is an experimental studio that emphasizes process and concept. The focus was on the design process and form finding with Maya, a 3d application. The studio ~~provoked~~ piqued my interest in new ways of finding form and how to combine and assemble objects and ideas. I am interested in how free forms generated by 3d applications, such as Maya, could be controlled and if parametric architecture could be the method to control them. (Stay away from general statements and always give examples. I like racing cars. Big deal. I race a 280 horsepower car at speeds of 220 km/h on the weekends where we compete for a ten thousand grand prize for fastest time. Now, you have my attention.)

At present, I have an internship at (just put a dummy name EnglishForwardStudio) ....Architects, Stockholm, which started in August 2010 and will continue until June 2011. I have learned during this internship how to combine academic theory with pragmatic, real-life situations. Projects that I have participated in are among others dummy names (dn) and an office building, dn, in Kungsträdgården where I had a big part of the contact with the client and the constructors, making drawings for different tenants. The internship has meant much to me and to my coming studies since I have learned what I was missing earlier; how the process works from an idea to finished building. Knowing and understanding this, I am confident in my further studies. (all general statements. I would prefer one good statement where you support by a historical example that a million general statements.)

As a person I am ambitious and focused. I have been a member of the national team in athletics, throwing javelin, which have given me a will to reach as far as possible and break boundaries others see as impossible. After I left athletics because of an injury, I decided to pursue my studies with the same passion and intensity. Nothing is impossible and I'm striving to make the best of each situation I am in. (Again, too general. You can talk about goal setting, excellence, training, sacrifice, time management, planning and so many others. Take one, two, or three of those and tell me a story about how you implemented those attributes to make you successful.)

The program of architecture has not just has made me learn more about myself but also how I perceive the surroundings. I apprehend and search for things now that I didn't take notice of before. I'm applying to the Master's Degree Program to be able to continue doing this. The foundation that the Master's Degree Program can give me makes me confident that I will achieve the knowledge and skills that I need and endeavor when I'm later on am working as a professional architect. Having spoken to other students at KTH, I'm excited to pursue my education with you.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive reply/confirmation/whatever.

Imagine you walking into an interview. The interviewer says to you:

Give me an example where you overcome an impossible hurdle?
Give me an example of where you convinced a fellow worker, employee, or other to change their course of action?
Give me an example of where you took leadership and created a win?
Give me an example of where failure seemed the likely outcome, but you managed to create a victory?
Give me an example of where there was initial chaos and confusion and where you contributed to creating harmony and alignment?
Give me an example of someone of who you admire and why?
Give me an example of where you had to learn something really difficult in a short period of time?
Tell me about your proudest accomplishment?
Give me an example of where you had to make a split second intuitive decision? Upon reflection, why did you decide the way you did?

If you Google "Behavioral Interview Questions" this is the type of stuff you'll see.

When you are writing your letter, they are looking for much the same thing. What they want, more than anything else, is examples of things you talk about. Talk is cheap. Experience is not. And most view experience as the best indicator of future performance. So your challenge, then, is to demonstrate that you have a proven history of performing.

I have given you a lot to think about. I look forward to your next letter.

Motivation Letter

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