MONEY OR SOCIAL INTERESTS?

Question

Hi, this is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 2. I would be grateful if I could get some feedback from teachers here. Thank you very much for reading my essay

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As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is believed that companies, apart from generating profits, also hold certain responsibilities to society. I totally agree that businesses should do more to contribute to our society instead of deeming money as their sole priority.

On the one hand, it is true that money is indispensable to companies as it is the basic survival means to them. They need to make profits to keep the business running and to pay salaries to the employees. If a company cannot maintain its financial situation, or worse, goes bankrupt, it will be unreasonable to require any form of social contributions from it. Therefore, it is arguably sense to conclude that making money is the first and foremost condition for businesses to survive, and to follow any social obligations

On the other hand, it is equally important for companies to pay attention to their social roles besides monetary interests. As a member of society, they can have influential actions to improve the living quality of their employees as well as those living in their vicinity. They could, for example, promote positive codes of conduct within the organization to eliminate gender discrimination and to facilitate a more comfortable working environment. Furthermore, they can also give out their support to local residents by, say, taking part in local charity events or sponsoring educational programs in the neighborhood. That way, businesses do not only benefit for themselves solely but also for society as a whole as its positive and influential member.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that while money is essential to the running of businesses, social responsibilities should also be an important position in their forefront agenda.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is believed that companies, apart from generating profits, also hold certain responsibilities to society. I totally agree that businesses should do more to contribute to our society instead of deeming profits ~~money~~ as their sole priority.

Delete the next paragraph. It is the wrong essay type.

This is the task that you answered:

Some people believe that companies should exclusively focus on making profits, but others believe that their social responsibilities are just as important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The outline for the answer to this task is:

Introduction.

Body Paragraph 1: On the one hand, ....(the first view.)
Body paragraph 2: On the other hand ... (the second view.)

Conclusion

But that is not the task you are given. If you answer a different question, you will not get a good score.

The outline you have to use for agree/disagree is:

Introduction. State your view. Answer the prompt.

Body Paragraph 1: The first reason for your answer.
Body paragraph 2: The second reason for your answer

Conclusion - Summarize you view and reasons.

~~On the one hand~~, (Wrong transition phrase. Use this phrase when you are discussing both views or advantages/disadvantages. It is not appropriate for a "agree/disagree" type of essay. You must support your opinion in each body paragraph.) ~~it is true that~~ (Avoid these dummy-it filler clauses. They have zero meaning. They are distracting.) money is indispensable to companies as it is the basic survival means to them. (That does not support your position. ) They need to make profits to keep the business running and to pay salaries to the employees. If a company cannot maintain its financial situation, or worse, goes bankrupt, it will be unreasonable to require any form of social contributions from it. (This is not a good point.) Therefore, it is arguably sense (ungrammatical) to conclude that making money is the first and foremost condition for businesses to survive, and to follow any social obligations.

~~On the other hand,~~

~~it is equally important for companies to pay attention to their social roles besides monetary interests.~~

Here are the two body paragraphs that you need to further develop with examples.

The primary reason that companies have to fulfill social responsibilities is that their employees will benefit other than just getting a paycheck. As a member of society, they can have influential actions to improve the living quality of their employees as well as those living in their vicinity. They could, for example, promote positive codes of conduct within the organization to eliminate gender discrimination and to facilitate a more comfortable working environment.

An equally important reason is that the company itself is a member of society. Furthermore, they can also give out their support to local residents by, say, taking part in local charity events or sponsoring educational programs in the neighborhood. That way, businesses do not only benefit for themselves solely but also for society as a whole as its positive and influential member.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that while money is essential to the running of businesses, social responsibilities should also be an important position in their list of priorities. ~~forefront agenda~~. (Unnatural.)

MONEY OR SOCIAL INTERESTS?

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