0
X.mehrdad Posted 21 years ago
Grammar

MODERATORsHELP,PLEASE

Hello,
It is the closing paragraph of a chapter (in free indirct speech),I am out of my depth, and can't do any better;I have doubts about the concordance of the tense, punctuatitions, and some pronouns; please take a look at it and let me know how it sounds:
' those gloomy,god-forsaken images of desolation and despair were prennially present in his mind, and while he was looking at that old yelloing picture-the only souvenir of his quiecent endearing reveries of his halcyon childhood-in a bitter awakening, in a sudden rush of consciousness,discovered that he would never be freed from them,lest(before, until?)senility,and death take their tolls on him; lost were his cherished dreams of glory in combat, and the hands on the clock were not going to run back. he knew the reason for the teardrops waiting on his lower eyelids; they were neither of pain nor of despair; they were tears for a funeral'
  

Top answer

Rather florid language, X, but consistently rendered. I presume you are translating; otherwise, I recommend that your first novel be written in a plainer style. Most of the errors are of spelling/typing: 'Those gloomy, ***-forsaken images of desolation and despair were perennially present in his mind, and while he was looking at that old yellowing picture-- the only souvenir of his quiescent, endearing reveries of halcyon childhood-- in a bitter awakening, in a sudden rush of consciousness, he discovered that he would never be freed from them until senility and death took their tolls on him; lost were his cherished dreams of glory in combat, and the hands on the clock were not going to run back.

— Mister Micawber

  • Rather florid language, X, but consistently rendered.
  • I presume you are translating; otherwise, I recommend that your first novel be written in a plainer style.
  • Most of the errors are of spelling/typing: 'Those gloomy, ***-forsaken images of desolation and despair were perennially present in his mind, and while he was looking at that old yellowing picture-- the only souvenir of his quiescent, endearing reveries of halcyon childhood-- in a bitter awakening, in a sudden rush of consciousness, he discovered that he would never be freed from them until senility and death took their tolls on him; lost were his cherished dreams of glory in combat, and the hands on the clock were not going to run back.
  • ' ('Lest' is the right register but the wrong meaning-- it means 'unless'.
  • )
Free · every Monday

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

New words, one handy idiom, and a 2-minute quiz — delivered to your inbox to keep your streak alive.

2 Answers
0
Rather florid language, X, but consistently rendered. I presume you are translating; otherwise, I recommend that your first novel be written in a plainer style. Most of the errors are of spelling/typing:

'Those gloomy, ***-forsaken images of desolation and despair were perennially present in his mind, and while he was looking at that old yellowing picture-- the only souvenir of his qui
0
0
Thank you for your generosity,
Actualy, there is a sort of changing "point of view", and 'narrator' in this work, and the language should follow, this is the style of the third person narrator, where as in first person it comes closer to some sort of 'skaz'.



Thanks a million time
0

Related Questions