Miriam, Taiwandave, Please rewrite this.

Question

This letter is going to go to some indian officials.

So could you please rewrite to make it look a little more office. I am hopeless in drafting letters.

Dear Sir,

Respectfully I should like to bring to your kind notice the illegal ferrying of certain market products. This illegal transportation of commercial, sellable products causes an increasing concern and financial stress amongst us middle class businessmen.

Businessmen like me, who wish to run their business through honest means; usually get their goods transported by train paying proper dues fixed by the railway department. But much to our displeasure we have discovered the fact that some selfish, corrupt businessmen somehow manage to ferry their articles in the pantry car and have to pay next to nothing.

It’s a shame illegal activities of this kind are not rare and we, therefore, feel the necessity of drawing your attention to the matter.

We hope you will consider our situation and take necessary action for the elimination of such illegal activities at the earliest for which act of yours we shall remain ever grateful.

Thanking you

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Bubu,

You might want to consider the letter writing section [url="http://www.EnglishForward.com/ShowForum.aspx?ForumID=5"]here[/url].

As a general comment, you should include as many specifics as possible in your letter as possible to receive meaningful action. If you write in generalities, you are likely going to get only a simple form letter and nothing more.

According to Transparency.org, India suffers badly from corruption as you can see [url="http://www.transparency.org/cpi/2003/cpi2003.en.html"]here[/url]. As your letter indicates, corruption is rampant. You know it, the politicians know it.

The challenge is to identify it, provide specifics, and request specific actions.

You might try identifying how corruption directly affects your specific business. How are others beating the system? When does this happen? Do you have proof? How can this corruption be stopped? What resources are required? How difficult would it be to stop?

In essence, put yourself in the "officials'" shoes. Does this letter merely complain about corruption in general, which is rampant and beyond control? Or does this letter contain sufficient information where I can take positive action to effect positive results with a reasonable amount of resources? And lastly, is this individual's concerns worth spending the resources to assist? In other words, how big is the prize if this case of corruption is stopped?

One last word of caution: Should you provide specifics, you might upset those enjoying the benefits of corruption. Will they take actions against you to settle the score? Life isn't always fair, is it?

I sincerely wish you good luck!

Bubu prasant · Answer

Dear Mountain Hiker,

I read your suggestions and I think you meant to tell me that I must put in relevant things in details and with evidences if I wish to get a response. Did you mean so? If you did, thank you for drawing my attention to proper ways of writting official letters.

However, the point here is not whether or not the letter is going to get a response. What I wish to know is if my letter can be rewritten in better english with the information as little as you find in my letter.

Can you plz let me know if my letters[both this one i am wrting now and the other one you commented upon] sound rude?

Plz don't hesitate to criticise severely and don't spare me in anything. I mean it

Thaks

MountainHiker · Answer

Bubu,

I read your suggestions and I think you meant to tell me that I must put in relevant things in details and with evidences if I wish to get a response. Did you mean so? If you did, thank you for drawing my attention to proper ways of writting official letters.

Yes, that is what I wanted to say.

Your letter did not sound rude. I will rewrite your letter, using as few modifications as possible. Others will do the same. My revision will appear in a few moments.

I am not sure of your two letters, only this one. Please refer me to your other letter.

MountainHiker

MountainHiker · Answer

Please note that there are cultural differences. So what works for me in my country might not work for you in your country. In North America we tend to be very direct and to the point.

Your letter with minor modifications....

#1

Dear Sir:

Respectfully I should like to bring to your kind notice the illegal ferrying of certain market products. This illegal transportation of commercial products causes severe financial stress amongst us middle class businessmen.

Businessmen like me, who wish to run our businesses by honest means, usually get our goods transported by train by paying proper dues fixed by the railway department. But much to our displeasure, we have discovered the fact that some selfish and corrupt businessmen somehow manage to ferry their goods in the pantry car by paying extremely little if anything.

It’s a shame illegal activities of this kind are not rare and we, therefore, feel the necessity of drawing your attention to this matter.

We hope you will consider our situation and take necessary actions to eliminate such illegal activities at the earliest convenience, for which we shall remain ever grateful.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
Bubu

Major Modifications (this is how I would begin to write your letter)

Dear Sir:

The purpose of this is letter is to request that you immediately stop the illegal transportation of commercial products on Railroad RR1. I am a businessman who must compete against those who use illegal means to transport their goods at near zero cost. As a consequence, other honest businessmen and myself are at a grave disadvantage. [Set out why you are writing to him...]

I have learned the following facts and details. Several of my competitors....[here you explain what you know, how you know it, how it can be verified...and anything else you think is pertinent....effectively provide your case of the illegal activities....]

Because of this illegal transportation, several other businessmen and I are unable to compete in a fair manner. This unfair competition to my business results in an approximate loss of profits of X rupees per annum. With less profits I am unable to expand my business and hire more workers. Our industry in aggregate suffers approximately X rupees per years because of this illegal transportation. [discuss what the negative effects are....you might want to mention your inability to expand your business, inability to hire more workers etc.]

According to our industry's research, we believe the following measures would halt illegal transportation. [Describe what needs to be done here.....]

We believe that fair and honest trade is in everyone's best interests.

Thank you for considering our request. Should you have any questions or want to discuss this matter further, please contact me at blah blah blah. I will contact you in X days time. [effectively, I am taking control by saying I am going to contact you in a X days time, so I expect you to have given my situation some consideration.]

Yours truly,
Bubu

Maj · Answer

I think this is a great letter but don't you think it might be a good idea to clarify the kind of illegal transportations they are referring to?. It would be a lot easier for us to undertand.

Miriam · Answer

Hello, Bubu.

I've just read your post and also the responses to it. I'd use MountainHiker's second letter, it covers most, if not all, the possible aspects of your problem. It looks very serious but it isn't rude at all, and it shows determination on your part.

I have nothing to add in this case, but I wanted to let you know that I've read your post and that I'm always here (although perhaps a bit too late sometimes) if you need me.

I wish you the best of luck!

Miriam

MountainHiker · Answer

I think this is a great letter but don't you think it might be a good idea to clarify the kind of illegal transportations they are referring to?. It would be a lot easier for us to undertand.

Yes I agree, the more specifics the better.

Bubu prasant · Answer

Dear Mountain hiker,

You know, I envy you people since you can write such good English. You said the same thing ... but what a change! you wrote the real letter and with the suggestions. Great.

I feel indated to all the forum friends who take the pain to answer my question. A mere "thanks giving" is not the enough to show my gratitude you and them.

Many many thanks to you anyway.

Miriam, thank you for being available for the forum.

MountainHiker · Answer

Many many thanks to you anyway.

My pleasure. We all learn something, even by helping others.

When you've had a chance to revise your letter with the correct facts and figures and details, you might want to come back and let us review your letter again.

Again, I want to stress that writing letters such as the one you proposed do carry risk, often grave risk. Often those "evil people" have friends in high places. Once your letter is delivered, other people are sure to read it and they might become extremely angry. That anger can often take dangerous forms. So before you send your letter, please make sure you have properly thought through all the consequences, both positive and negative.

As I said in a prior post, life isn't always fair. Once we recognize that and accept it, we can better plan our next moves.

Good luck!

MountainHiker · Answer

Bubu,

Just another thought. If you are looking for an excellent book on writing, may I suggest the following two books:

1) Style: Toward Clarity and Grace by Joseph M. Williams. You can find it on Amazon [url="http://tinyurl.com/62rn6"]here[/url]. ()

2) Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace by Joseph M. Williams. You can find it on Amazon [url="http://tinyurl.com/6qzyd"]here[/url]. ()

As you can see, these books are highly rated on Amazon.

I need to reread these books myself.

The books are NOT grammar books. Instead, they teach you to write more effective sentences. They provide guidance on how to structure the sentences so that they flow better from one sentence to the next.

I just thought this might be of interest to you.

Miriam, Taiwandave, Please rewrite this.

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